Changing Plans Is So Hard

[sun seeker]

When really bad, my best approach is to go to bed, lights on low, hot water bottle....then do absolutely nothing until bored, specifically "bored". If your reaction to reading this is "I can't" that's a good indicator that it will help.

No, you're right, that's exactly what I do when I am like this. Only I also add some benzoids to the mix.

 

[sun seeker]

@joeylittle, unfortunately EFT doesn't help me a whole lot. Wish I could say it did.

 

[sun seeker]

I have a sense of utter hopelessness and just not wanting to try anymore because there is no point, my life doesn't get better and I keep getting hurt in the same ways over and over.

There is maybe 1% of my brain left over telling me this might possibly not be based on current reality, but it's getting drowned out by overwhelming early trauma that has hijacked the rest of my brain.

 

[ghotiff]

Somewhere inside you, you know this will pass. Try to hold onto that knowledge.

When I was at my worst, I tracked my bouts of crap and worked out that my cycle was typically five days. Knowing that the current crap would end eg Sunday, really helped me get through.

 

[sun seeker]

It will end when I establish connection and feel at least some measure of security. It's not time specific for me.

 

[Heather]

@sun seeker I don't know if this will be of any help but for me I often repeat to myself: this too shall pass.....Eventually it does. No matter how distressed I feel.

And lately that's all I seem to feel.

 

[ghotiff]

establish connection and feel at least some measure of security

Interesting. Mine were time based. (Now I'm much better I can resolve them more easily and quickly.)

What does connection and security look like to you. How can I help you obtain it. (Assuming you're comfortable sharing).

 

[sun seeker]

@ghotiff, it's very clear to me that my biggest triggers come from very early childhood, and they are all about attachment and survival. When I get like this, it takes connection to bring me back.

What does connection and security look like to you.

It doesn't. It's a feeling. My heart opens up and feels warm, the world stops spinning, I can feel my feet on the ground, my heart rate slows down, my eyes and ears clear and I can see and hear clearly, and I can feel connection with others and be open to possibilities, without fear.

How can I help you obtain it.

That's lovely of you to ask. Um... from a distance you can't do very much, but being willing to hear what it's like helps.

 

[sun seeker]

Spent several hours talking to my therapist - it was supposed to be a short talk, but I went into as deeply triggered a place as I've ever been with him and it took a long time to talk me down. Lots of tears and heartfelt sharing on both sides.

I still feel like shit. I feel like there is a deep, deep hole in me that can never be filled. But with some company.

I'm a challenging client, I know that. He doesn't hold it against me because it's not my fault. But it hurts nonetheless. I wish I didn't have this big gaping empty place inside me, or this much suffering that I carry around like an unwelcome guest, or a lifelong history of people messing up normal therapeutic opportunities because innocent things like telling me I'm not alone now and have support send me through the roof because in my experience they mean "I will leave you as soon as I find out you're not as easy as I thought you were." I'm reacting less to that all the time, but God... I could get so mad. I did get mad. I am full of rage at so many people all my life long who have put me down, claimed I was too much, I wasn't trying hard enough, when I was trying with every ounce of strength I had. (My therapist doesn't do this, just to be clear. He was just listening to me talk about it.) I'd like to see them live my life for just one f*cking day and see how they deal.

I'm mad. Darn right I'm mad. I'm mad about having to hide so much of who I am to be socially acceptable. I'm mad that I've been let down so many times that I expect it. I'm mad about all the idiotic assumptions people make when they haven't got a f*cking clue.

My life has not been fair. I know most people reading this haven't had fair lives either. And right now, I am furious at all the people who put us down and make us feel like less. If only they had any clue at all.

I want to die from the pain I am in. I won't. I just feel that much pain. I'm sick and tired of all this. I just want the pain to be over. Enough is enough.

 

[ghotiff]

idiotic assumptions people make when they haven't got a f*cking clue.

I saw a phrase I loved the other day.
"Don't judge me by the chapter you walked in on".

Did your T help you find connection. Do you know of examples of what caused you to feel connection. I'm probing in case it might help, but as always there is no pressure to respond.

 

[sun seeker]

Did your T help you find connection.

Absolutely. That's one of his specialties, working on attachment trauma. We've made some good headway, but it's very slow. And very hard to work on over the phone when I am this triggered!

 

[sun seeker]

Do you know of examples of what caused you to feel connection.

Being really listened to, heard and believed. Met where I am instead of being told I should be somewhere else. Interactions where I feel safe to be all of who I am and don't have to hide. It's all about attachment, which was very very messed up even before I was born.