Flashback Affecting My Son

[Malaenis]

Hope this is in the right place...

So lately I've been doing great physically. Exercising, eating healthier, etc. But noticed after a week of this I'm in flight trigger mode. Upside it helped me exercise more! Lol! But now it's affecting me negatively, in a more noticeable way. My son is 5, and talks so much. I'd taught him to instead say "excuse me" when he needs to tell me something. Because I get very tense if he tries talking to me while I'm busy with something else, and keeps on talking. Saying excuse me gives me a chance to finish up my task, or stop for a minute to focus on him. It was perfect. Lately though he hasn't been saying excuse me. He's been incredibly talkative. And it seemed to trigger me further. I was incredibly short with him Monday and ended up needing to hide in bed for awhile. Even then he didn't leave me alone. Tuesday I went for a jog after therapy, and felt much better. I've been running away since I was a kid, and as an adult I need it. Then he came home from school and it was the same behavior all over again. I handled it better, sat and talked with him explaining why mommy gets so upset when he doesn't say excuse me, in 5 yr old terms. I thought after the talk things would be better.

There were, for that night. Next day at school he was super emotional. My child gets the most horrible bumps and falls and barely cries. He's incredibly tough for a 5 yr old. But lately he cries over everything. I feel guilty that this is because of me being so tense and triggered. Last night we talked about it, but still had a rough night.

Then it dawned on me that because I'm a flight trigger, I need to keep moving, and to do things with him I need to slow down. So I've been unintentionally avoiding him. I don't even know how to help this. I've been doing yoga, meditating, exercising harder, and nothing helps enough. And I'm not entirely sure what triggered me in the first place. Or maybe I'm just in an emotional place right now. I feel so mixed. It's great being healthy and getting physically stronger, but that "high" isn't reaching my mind.

On top of all this, the apartment below mine is being renovated. They just came in as I started typing this and the bang was so loud I thought someone was trying to break in. So that's adding to everything else. I want to scream and sob and run away.

If anyone has been through this and found a way to cope, I'd greatly appreciate any help.

 

[Lotis]

Hi,
I am a mom of a 3 year old. I can offer some personal advice and my opinion for what that is worth :)
It could be that your son is picking up on your anxiety. Children are little sponges and can sense when something is not quite right with mommy or daddy. My daughter is a talker and we are working on using "excuse me" but I do not expect her to remember and she doesn't so it is a battle. I try very hard to be patient with her and I find myself counting to 10 and taking a deep breath so I do not overreact. For me, when I am struggling with a memory or being grounded, what helps is not avoiding her but engaging with her. Sitting and playing with her toys or coloring or reading a story or even just talking. Children need reassurance that mommy is ok even when you aren't. My daughter knows when I am not at my best and it kills me. I see a change in her if I am being absent and the more I avoid the worse it gets.
I am guessing from the title of this thread that you are being bombarded with flashbacks which are making you very anxious. If you are in therapy maybe you can explore more what is going on and what is triggering you so intensely. Also, maybe you are doing too much exercise? Just a thought...take it down a notch.
L

 

[Malaenis]

Hi,
I am a mom of a 3 year old. I can offer some personal advice and my opinion for what that is worth :...

The problem is sitting with him to play, it's something I struggle with on a normal day. Because I was never ever a kid, I don't know how to be. It's something my therapist is trying to help me with on the side of everything else. The other issue is I don't see my therapist again till a week from Friday. And I'm not sure what triggered me, if it was multiple things that kept adding up, I just know I'm triggered or in flashback mode because of my behavior. Slowing down enough to figure it out is very difficult for me right now. When I say slowing down, I'm jumping from one activity to the next lately, be it exercise, cleaning, etc. But it has to be active. I haven't worked on my art for a few days because it means slowing down and when I try to I feel more anxious. Which is why I'm not sure how to slow down right now. Forcing it makes me more tense. What I'd normally do isn't helping enough. For example, Tuesday I was good, great, but then my Gods, his talking when he got home. Lol. Then last night he needed a bath and that's always a fight. Afterwards, I talked with him again. I'd taken some deep breaths and he adorably copied me. Even after the deep breaths, I didn't feel better, I forced myself to stay calm and talk to him. After talking he seemed to be better, but had another bad morning at school. I'm, impatiently, waiting for them to call me to discuss how to help him there.

Lol! I almost wish it was too much. It's really not though. It's just more than I was doing before. My body itself feels good, despite the tension from the anxiety. My therapist knows how much I have been doing as well and thinks it's a good amount for me.

Side note: Not sure how you're trying to teach your daughter, but for my son his teacher told me completely ignore him when he doesn't say excuse me. Then afterwards remind him he needs to say it, and when he does respond instantly for awhile. Then increase the "wait" time slowly. It did work amazingly well. I'm not sure why lately he's not doing it.

Thanks for the reply. :)

 

[Lotis]

Slowing down enough to figure it out is very difficult for me right now.

I can understand this. Slowing down also means sitting with the flashback and that is not something I am good with either. I am not too helpful in this area since I struggle with it myself. I dissociate so "going someplace else" is my coping.
You really mention your son's talking allot....could that be a trigger for you? Just pointing it out since you mentioned it so much.
Sounds like you have a long wait until you see your therapist again which sucks but there has to be something you can do to ease the anxiety. You mentioned art, which means slowing down but what about if you didn't slow down? Not sure what kind of art you do but I was thinking if it were painting you could just let loose on the canvas doesn't matter how fast you move.
I have read that ignoring them when they do not say excuse me works BUT she just doesn't stop talking until I do pay attention to her. So I stop talking to whomever and tell her you need to say excuse me and she does at that moment and continues to talk LOL. It is a work in progress!

 

[Malaenis]

I can understand this. Slowing down also means sitting with the flashback and that is not something I am...

This is my dissociation, the constant busyness to keep my mind from stopping. It used to be zoning out completely, but since I'm a mom I can't do that.

Yes, in a way it is. Sound triggers me. Certain frequencies that are constant, or loud bangs. His talking does because he doesn't stop, and it's while I'm trying to focus on something else. Splitting my focus, I can't do that. Or it's that, I've noticed I need to finish something once I start it. I don't like taking breaks between work, if I start a movie or show I will force myself to stay awake or not get up to eat, etc, instead of stopping it. I'm not sure if it has to do with my not being able to slow down or what. I've only noticed recently that I do this.

That's a good idea. I usually sketch, but paint occasionally, and that's something I can do with my son.

LOL! My son does that lately! Though he keeps talking to say what he wants to say, then walks away when he's said it. Kids. Every parent that knows I'm doing this laughs because they say no matter what they won't always do it, and as soon as you get on the phone, everything is important! Lol!

Went for a jog again today and he's home now. We had a nice moment. Hopefully I can keep it up. The walk/jog/runs I do help so much, I just don't have time for one everyday. It seems like I need to get out all my anxious energy. The painting idea I'll try this weekend.

Thanks again. :)

 

[Malaenis]

To update, not sure what I did, but I'm feeling much better. Today and yesterday, I was busy, but was able to slow down when I was finished with what I needed to do those days. My meds did change, so maybe that made a difference. Thanks for all your help. I'm gonna write down some of the things you suggested for future reference. I'm sure this will happen again.

 

[mary1979]

@Malaenis go easy on yourself too in all this.

Mummy guilt is the WORST guilt known to humankind, and 9/10 its unfounded.

I agree with the comment above in so far as our kids are little sponges, feeding off our energy.

Its ok to take time for you.
Walking away when it becomes too much is reasonable.

I have a chatterbox as well.
She's 10. I always make sure I keep a clear head at school pick up so i can just hear about her day and catch up and then I take my '15 mins' as we call it once we arrive home.
Working full time means my head space is in about 75 places when we both arrive home, so she knows by now that when I say I need my 15, it means she wont get far if she tries anyway haha.

And play with them?
Ugh. I've ALWAYS sucked at that.
I'll start an art project or something with her and then within 20 minutes I've always wandered off and gotten distracted. Without fail.
I wasn't played with as a child either, so struggle with that connection myself.
I try to compensate that with reading at bed time, or failing that, at least snuggles and a chat.

You cant be everything all the time, and its not unreasonable to expect space for you, so dont beat yourself up too hard.
Set a boundary for yourself, then enforce it. And don't feel bad for taking that time.
Getting enough for YOU is just as important as being there for your child and it teaches them valuable lessons about respecting others needs and dealing with some things by themself.

I know most this will filter through your mumma guilt and disperse, but just wanted to put it out there

 

[Malaenis]

@mary1979

No, this is a great reminder. Thank you so much.

I have a bad habit of diminishing my efforts, and "obviously everyone else on the planet does more than me and works harder and has it worse and what I do is nothing in comparison", which comes from years and years of my mother drilling that into my head. Which in turn makes me feel worthless if something does stress me out. I've gotten a little better about it, but still have a long way to go. lol. My therapist has been helping me reach a more balanced point of view.

And yes, I feel like parents, good parents, do this a lot. Constantly question themselves. My mom once told me I'm making the same mistakes she made with me, which thinking about now is funny because she's never acted like she realized she made a mistake. It was always "I did the best I could in a horrible situation, you should be thankful." But the comment occasionally haunts me, because my biggest fear is that I will be as bad a mother as she is. I have to constantly remind myself of all the ways, and situations, I've done differently, and approached them better than she did.

It's also comforting to know someone else struggles with playtime. I feel like such an awful parent for that alone. I made a family game night, because I love board and card games. And that I can do. There are set rules and ways to progress the game. And it's great to teach an only child how to take turns. Also the snuggles and chat, that I can do, and try to at least do that. Especially if I've been having a rough week.

Thanks again. :)