Relationship Please Please Help On Disassociation

[Vicki2107]

I am new here and I'm really hoping some of you lovely people with help me.
I met my ptsd sufferer 10mths ago. He was open from the start about his ptsd and to be honest, all I noticed of it was that he'd go distant for a day. I know he used to get into lots of fights and drink alot...whilst he was me I never saw him angry and he hardly drank.
He was my knight in shinning armour, he treated me like a queen and he was wonderful with my children...we often spoke about the future and I thought he was the man I'd marry. He made me feel safe and secure...something I'd never experienced before. He even spoke of wanted guardianship over my son.
You can imagine my shock when he left me 4wks ago...we had an argument (nothing you'd throw away a relationship over) and then he told me he couldn't pretend anymore...that he felt suffocated, lost etc and then through research, I realised just how bad his combat ptsd is...he also confided in me of abuse when he was a child.
I'm so hurt, the pain I'm in for myself and my children is absolutely unbearable...however I remain strong to him and promised him I'd support him through treatment. I saw him at the weekend and he said seeing me had messed with his head...he said he thought he should come back to me, then today he said he felt more positive and that he didn't need any confusion. He wants me to support him, but he said he feels like I'm just supporting him to keep him. I told him no and that I was well aware he could meet someone else and that I was supporting him because I care.
One minute he tells me we should be together.. the next he says he needs to focus on him and I'm to have no expectations...that he could go on to have a family of his own in the future. This is not the man I was with....he would never have said things like this.
His head is a mess and like a washing machine...and he can get very low...other times he's out chatting with the neighbours and he's always going to the gym and can hold down a job....you'd think there was nothing wrong with him sometimes.
I just do not know what to do. You hear all the time how ptsd sufferers need support and to never leave them etc....yet all he seems to do is push me away. Talking about going onto have his own family...then saying he should come back to me....then 10hrs later saying he doesn't need distraction. He says he's numb and has no emotion...so he doesn't know how he feels about me....this hurts when the same person was telling you they loved you everyday. He then said seeing me gave him mixed emotions...so then surely he does feel emotion.
Please can anyone make some sense of this for me please....I'm literally going out of my mind with confusion

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi,
I think what you're describing is emotional numbing and not dissociation. The concepts can be related but don't always go hand in hand.

Dissociation is along the lines of daydreaming, zoning out in the car, then further along the spectrum it is not feeling like you're actually a part of this world or that you're a real person, with the severe end of the spectrum being multiple personalities or selves.

Have you read up on the stress cup concept? I think it would help to explain why he goes numb and pushes you away. When my stress cup overflows I isolate and numb out because my system is in overload state.

I think he really does care about you. I know it's not easy to understand or to cope with.

I see it like this. We All desire to be close to someone and be loved. PTSD comes along and throws a wrench in it all by making relationships stressful. When the stress is too much to handle, we shut down.

But, remember-----your feelings and needs are just as important in this relationship. Since he's started treatment maybe a relationship is too much for him to handle. He may not be able to meet your needs.

 

[Vicki2107]

Thank you for your reply. I will certainly look into that.
I'm worried he won't ring the therapist he's going to see for a while, as he is buying a new motorbike....he says bikes are his saviour. So he's currently in a high mood...as he always is when he's buying something new...it's like he's always seeking the next thing.
Whilst I was with him I did notice how he couldn't make decisions and would change his opinion on something three times within an hour...very much like he's doing with our relationship.
I feel he will just drift away from me and I'll never hear from him again to be honest. I feel as though he faked our whole relationship.

 

[Deleted member 34191]

Hi i was with someone that had been sexually abused and has episodes where her eyes are open and still mouning when she said she was having in an episode but we was in the middle of experamenting and i carried on and now i feel like i had sexually asulited her as she was in an episode anyone know what i should do

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi @denver1982

It would be a good idea if you started your own thread so that you can get more responses.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Vicki2107

I'm not familiar with that sort of behavior. Maybe other sufferers can give you some good feedback. :hug:

 

[anthony]

@Vicki2107 you pretty much described normal PTSD in a nutshell. If you think he's messing with your head, I doubt that is true... most likely he is messed up in the head that he doesn't know what he wants one day to the next. It will take him years of hard self work to recover from this. If he has gotten past the anger and drinking... that is excellent and well on his way towards better days -- but those better days are years away yet.

 

[Vicki2107]

I'm just not sure what I'm meant to do. I keep seeing people saying not to give up on those with ptsd....yet how are you meant to support them, when they push you away and disappear on you. He said he suffers guilt for leaving us....yet says he is dead to emotion, guilt is emotion, so surely he feels something. All this is consuming my life, yet he seems to be getting on with things. Are people able to hide their ptsd to other people?

 

[anthony]

Are people able to hide their ptsd to other people?

When severe, yes... they can do exactly this for a short period of time, then things will begin to appear. A person can only wear a mask so long before everything underneath surfaces, screaming for action.

I don't know who says to keep supporting them, but it certainly would not be me. You have to support yourself, first and foremost, then, and only then, if you have the capacity, love, inclination, whatever word you choose to use, then you support them to the level you choose, not the level the sufferer demands, chooses or such.

You have to control you within a PTSD relationship, otherwise you too will be consumed by PTSD.

 

[Vicki2107]

Yes that's true....when he says he feels scared, hurt and confused, I can relate because that's how I'm feeling right now.
I was in a mentally abusive relationship prior to meeting him....I spent 6yrs on my own to find myself and heal....I feel he's now put me back to square one again. I feel so hurt that he promised he'd never leave me and was there until the end, just to do exactly the opposite.
It seems many of his relationships have ended at around the 1yr point. It's as though the high of a new relationship makes him normal and then once it becomes reality he can't cope. I just wish he hadn't have made all the promises.
I don't understand why he would prefer to be on his own, than in a relationship where he'd be supported.....but then to be honest, he seems happier on his own.

 

[anthony]

It seems many of his relationships have ended at around the 1yr point.

Very standard for PTSD. The honeymoon period. When reality begins to set in... exit time. Been there, done it, as have many of my friends with PTSD.

Sorry to hear you feel back at square one. To be honest, if you have recovered from this before, you will do it far quicker and better this time round.

Honestly, anyone who says they won't leave, is lying. Maybe that is something to look for next time.

There are many different ways to say something similar to that, but to say you won't leave a person, ever, is a blatant lie and a tell tail sign to some degree that a person isn't honest with themselves about their maturity level and stability of self.

I don't want to leave my wife, but nothing is certain in life other than death. I know some things about myself, such as I have zero desire to cheat on her, lie to her, so forth... but if she did something that I couldn't forgive, then I would leave her, regardless what she wants.

I said similar things in the worst of my PTSD, making promises to appease others, not really knowing or understanding how I felt. It took time, recovery and experience to know what I know now... but you can't tell a person those things, they have to come to the conclusion themselves to be a better person when they're capable of doing so... especially when PTSD has caused the screwup to begin with.

 

[Vicki2107]

Yes that all makes perfect sense.
I asked him if he'd prefer me not to be in his life, since he said seeing me messes with his head...but he said no and that my support is highly valued. He appears normal to the outside world, but he'll open upto me. Well he opens up and then pushes me away....I don't know when/if I'll hear from him again, but I guess it's best to let him come to me?