When Tragedy Strikes Your Therapist

[Lotis]

:cry: I have recently learned that a tragic even has occurred in my therapists life. I do not know all of the details yet...all I have is a message explaining what happened. My therapist is physically ok but a family member is not. I just recently started work with this person after 3 years of no therapy. I had a long term therapist for 10 years prior to this one who also went through a personal tragedy; lost her husband, then finances, then practice. The loss for me was beyond devastating that there are no words I can use to explain how hard it was. Now I find myself in a very familiar situation.

I am very worried about my current therapist and how this will affect her. Will she fall apart? Will she continue to practice? If so, how will she do that? Life changing events are just that, live changing! I can't imagine her being ok because I wouldn't be ok. I know I am projecting but you cannot help but put yourself in someone else's shoes when something bad happens and wonder how you would feel.

I vowed never to go back to therapy after I lost my old one. I just could not place myself in another situation where I would become attached to someone only to lose them in a blink of an eye. But after 3 years of no therapy and finding myself unraveling I took the leap of faith and tested the waters. It took me a long time to find someone who was A) qualified B) I felt comfortable with C)who had an opening D)who had the time slot available for me to attend and E)who "got it". I can't... no I don't want to go through all of that again.

I wonder how long can I continue down this road called life. Why has it always been so hard? I have fought and fought to get well and it just seems like I am running against the tide all-of-the-time. Is this what it is going to be like for the rest of my life? Constantly haunted by and strangled by my past? Taking three steps forward and 5 steps back, gaining some ground but getting pushed back by one obstacle after the other.

I also can't help but think that in some crazy way I caused this to happen. Bad things follow me maybe....
I have had shit luck with therapists for years starting when I was a teen, professionals do not always behave professionally. Just because they have a degree it doesn't mean they should be practicing. It took forever to find someone capable and then tragedy strikes....and then years later another similar tragedy strikes with another therapists. I know I am just being silly but I can't help but think that just by knowing me you place yourself at risk for something bad happening in your life. Kind of like a bad luck charm!

Anyway, enough of my rant. I am uncertain of today and I am uncertain of the future.I do not know what I will do. I feel angry at life right now. I feel sad and worried for my therapist. Today just sucks.:wtf:
L

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I lost my beloved psychiatrist when he died and no one would tell me anything at all. Then I went through a series of them and finally found a even better psch doc.

So go ahead and grieve and mourn. But please when you feel you are ready be prepared not to give up on yourself.

 

[OrganicRobot]

Recently my therapist has been going through some hardship. A few times they had to cancel or started the session late. They just recently moved to the city I am in, in the last year or so, trying to find some places to set up their practice and having to even take more classes despite their qualifications. On top of that car trouble and their spouse was having heart issues.

It frustrated me as things we happening, because I too had prior therapist that weren't that great. But through it all I reminded myself that they are human and they need compassion and understanding. And that I was in the same boat as they. Coming in a bit late to work because of stress and rushing things in the morning because I woke up late from oversleeping. Not being able to properly concentrate. Having to deal with personal situations a lot more then usual and that was affecting my work schedule. And in turn it affected my coworkers and clients.

I was frustrated at first with my therapist because yes... things did affect me negatively and it wasn't the most perfect professional experience. But I also had compassion because I wasn't the most professional and on the ball person either.

I chose to keep tapping into my compassion and not making the situation all about me and my needs. Because if I did I'd just be wallowing in my own self-pity and misery. There are more good therapists out there, and yes even they get affected by life. No one is going have a perfect life 24/7. And that is okay. When things go downhill for a therapist they need time to sort their stuff out. They can't carry the load for everyone and never themselves. And as a therapee when that happens we need to be respectful, understanding and willing to do the work to get where we need to go (finding another good therapist). Life isn't an all or nothing type of deal. Things are very grey, and fluctuate. And yeah, that understanding is hard to swallow when we desperately need some stability.

So my point of view is be respectful and understanding, and begin finding another point of stability if needed. We too have to put in the work towards such, even though it is hard and we are fatigued/jaded. Staying open to finding another person to trust is hard work. But if you put in the hard work you reap good rewards even when it doesn't seem like it at first.

 

[Lotis]

@Link Removed Thanks for the reply. I am compassionate to what is happening. I am very worried about her. There has never been a lack of respect on my part. This situation goes a little beyond being late or rescheduling. This is a life changing event in which could ultimately end the therapy. Although I am compassionate to her situation it is healthy to worry about myself and start to think of next steps or what I would do. Trust me I know therapists are human and not super beings that can wave a wand or are impermeable to life events. I am not frustrated. I am concerned for her. I am also concerned about our therapy.
Putting in the hard work has never been a problem for me. But how many times do you start over with someone else? Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth it. I can function. I can survive. I definitely am not perfect. Am I the best that I can be? No. Am I whole. No. But I am alive and I am surviving....maybe for now that is good enough.
L

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I wonder how long can I continue down this road called life. Why has it always been so hard? I have fought and fought to get well and it just seems like I am running against the tide all-of-the-time. Is this what it is going to be like for the rest of my life? Constantly haunted by and strangled by my past? Taking three steps forward and 5 steps back, gaining some ground but getting pushed back by one obstacle after the other.

Take a breath. Step back from the situation a little. You can keep going because even though it feels like every time you get a little farther forward you go back, you're still working towards forward- towards healing. You're in distress right now thinking about your therapist. For obvious reasons based on your past, you are future-casting and worrying about what will happen this time. If you know any mindfulness techniques (an easy one is to just focus on your breath for a few minutes), this would be a good time to use them. I totally go into the why is it always so hard modes in situations that I can't predict the outcomes of and are throwing me into a downward spiral of thinking. I have find mindfulness helpful.

Also, it is not your fault. I recently learned that my primary care doctor won't be continuing to work as a primary care doctor as of the end of the month. When I found out, I immediately went into negative modes of thinking. Thinking that I know comes as a result of my past abuse. I thought that she must be leaving primary care because I am too much work. Then, I thought that she must be abandoning me because that's what always happens. There's something wrong with me that causes people to leave. But it's not my fault any more than your therapist's situation is your fault. It's just easier to say than to believe.

I think it's horrible that you had the bad experience in the past and are now struggling with something similar with this new therapist. I hope everything works out okay for you and your therapist.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's reasonable that you'd be concerned for your therapy especially given what's happened before. Do you have a sense of when/whether you might be able to talk to her because I do think that's the answer. She may come through the life changing event and still be able to practice and be fine, she may not but only she can answer that.

You didn't cause this though, it's life circumstance and maybe bad timing but definitely not of your making. The universe isn't conspiring against you, though I guess it might feel like that.

I do get it though, it's hard to take yourself in to therapy and be open with someone who then isn't there for you, for whatever reason.

 

[Lotis]

Take a breath. Step back from the situation a little. You can keep going because even th...

Thank you. That is what I need to do. Step back. Take a breath and don't go down the "what if.." road. Logically I know that I didn't cause this...it just feels that way.

@Suzetig I really do not know when I will speak with her. I am waiting for her to give me a call which is what she said she would do when she left the message for me. I hope that everything is ok and that it all works out, it's just from past experiences that never has been the case. I hear that voice in the back of my head telling me I told you so. I hate that.

 

[Lotis]

I spoke with my therapist and she advised I find someone else since she cannot dedicate the time that she feels I need (due to her personal issues) nor be consistent with appointments which she also feels is very important for me. I got a good luck to you at the end of our conversation hung up and then burst into tears. You all do not know me nor what I have gone through and how devastating this is. I do have sympathy for her situation but I am now without a therapist. (again)
I won't be looking for a new one. It took me a very long time to find someone competent and educated in the issues I suffer from. I had already exhausted my list of people I could see. This one was the last on my list to try. I am so done and tired of trying to be whole and be better. I should never have gone back to therapy and opened doors that are better left shut.
I thought I was on a good path until I wasn't.
L

 

[Broken Dahlia]

I spoke with my therapist and she advised I find someone else since she cannot dedicate the time that she...

Lotis, I am really sorry for your loss. When I was referred out by my last therapist I was devastated, even though I knew there were valid reasons. She is the only one, out of so many, who I really connected with. I still miss her. I know that you said you are done with therapy, I get it. I have taken a break for a couple of years too. But I do have hope that with some more work and patience I will find a new "Whitney." I have been working with a physical therapist who has a lot of the same qualities as her, and my response is the same to him. Now I have two people on the planet that I trust completely, it was such a surprise. If there are two there must be more although I understand that it feels like looking for a needle in a haystack. Again, I am really sorry you are going through this and I hope you find the help you need. Take good care of yourself.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You all do not know me nor what I have gone through and how devastating this is.

That is true. However, I sincerely wish that it hadn't turned out this way for you and I do understand the deep loss of a helping professional that I trusted and who helped me. I wish I could help in someway. Please just know that I am thinking of you, feeling compassion for you, and hoping that someday (when you're ready) you will find another helper like her.