UnKnown-Self
Diamond Member
I have decided to take a break from therapy. I really don't feel like its helping me. I want to keep working on myself but I don't want to spend so much time focusing on a past that can't be changed at the expense of living in the now.
That doesn't mean I'll quit this site or keep learning. I have work to do, no doubt about that but I need to walk my own path for a while.
I accept that I am one person but that doesn't mean I'm whole. My "parts" are all me.
Different aspects of who I am that I have not accepted for whatever reason. My anger, my self compassion, the fact that I can both love and hate myself. It's a lack of self trust and self acceptance. I am so confused about what it means to "me" or what it means to be a "good" person. There have been too many mixed messages over the years. Be this but not that. Do this and definitely don't do other things. So when I end up doing the "other things" and don't measure up to what I think defines a good person, I judge myself harshly. which then makes me feel undeserving and incapable of being "good".
That I was robbed of the opportunity to develop as a child should was not my fault. The fact is, I can still develop and grow and I am the only one who can do it for me.
Being aware of triggers, learning new ways to react to situations, mostly by keeping my mouth shut until I am sure what it actually is I am reacting to.
Coveting relationships that usually are unhealthy. Approval seeking from those who are least likely to approve. Feeling the need to explain or apologize for myself.
I don't think I'm in therapy for the right reasons. I think I'm looking for validation and for someone to "fix" me.
Yes, I've been through some terrible shit and there is probably more waiting up ahead. My cognition is screwy and I don't know what is acceptable because I don't know me. I have to stop listening to the opinions of others from the past and present and decide for myself what is right for me.
Instead of spending that hour each week and following a thread of pain, I think I should take that time and walk my dog along the beach. Breathe in the energy from the water and breeze. Find things I enjoy and pursue them. If that means trying something and losing interest, so what. Isn't that part of growing up? At least I'll be trying and not accepting I can't before even starting. I'll make myself that dollhouse I always wanted. Fix up my apartment so its pleasing to me and it is a reflection of my likes and personality, regardless of how eclectic that is.
I just want to take some time and just be.
That doesn't mean I'll quit this site or keep learning. I have work to do, no doubt about that but I need to walk my own path for a while.
I accept that I am one person but that doesn't mean I'm whole. My "parts" are all me.
Different aspects of who I am that I have not accepted for whatever reason. My anger, my self compassion, the fact that I can both love and hate myself. It's a lack of self trust and self acceptance. I am so confused about what it means to "me" or what it means to be a "good" person. There have been too many mixed messages over the years. Be this but not that. Do this and definitely don't do other things. So when I end up doing the "other things" and don't measure up to what I think defines a good person, I judge myself harshly. which then makes me feel undeserving and incapable of being "good".
That I was robbed of the opportunity to develop as a child should was not my fault. The fact is, I can still develop and grow and I am the only one who can do it for me.
Being aware of triggers, learning new ways to react to situations, mostly by keeping my mouth shut until I am sure what it actually is I am reacting to.
Coveting relationships that usually are unhealthy. Approval seeking from those who are least likely to approve. Feeling the need to explain or apologize for myself.
I don't think I'm in therapy for the right reasons. I think I'm looking for validation and for someone to "fix" me.
Yes, I've been through some terrible shit and there is probably more waiting up ahead. My cognition is screwy and I don't know what is acceptable because I don't know me. I have to stop listening to the opinions of others from the past and present and decide for myself what is right for me.
Instead of spending that hour each week and following a thread of pain, I think I should take that time and walk my dog along the beach. Breathe in the energy from the water and breeze. Find things I enjoy and pursue them. If that means trying something and losing interest, so what. Isn't that part of growing up? At least I'll be trying and not accepting I can't before even starting. I'll make myself that dollhouse I always wanted. Fix up my apartment so its pleasing to me and it is a reflection of my likes and personality, regardless of how eclectic that is.
I just want to take some time and just be.
