So you're trying to see if you can apply the same coping strategies people use for sex, if they have a normal sex life, to conflict?
It's called exposure therapy.
And, yes. It works for sex, conflict, crowds... triggers & stressors of all kinds :)
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Not retraumatization. Not repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results. But learning to respond a different way by by very slowly acclimatizing yourself, and chipping away at aspects of triggers and stressors. There are a whole lot of different ways to do it, but basically, you pick an aspect that bothers you and move up to it very slowly. Not so fast that you kick into the triggered response. But just
barely have a bit of a response. And then back away. Come at it again. Back away. And again. And back away. Over time, you push the boundaries of a thing, until that aspect no longer triggers you. As you hit each aspect? The boundaries of the whole thing start shifting. Chip away at it piece by piece, until the whole is achieved.
To very roughly use sex as an example, since that's where your head is at, you wouldn't do exposure therapy for rape by being raped again. That's just new trauma. And, you wouldn't -typically- start exposure therapy for sex, by simply having sex. Or even by holding someone's hand. But even further back. Touch, for example. 1,000 different ways to experience touch. Find the ways touch feels wrong/bad/weird/yikes and come at those. Your own self. Completely in your own control. Not even talking about sexual touch. But things like normal touch & sensory experiences that still get a bit of a reaction, and going after those.
How To Stop Sickness Caused By Memory Of Oral Rape?']Here[/URL] is where I talked about doing exposure therapy for oral sex. You'll note I
started by doing things like brushing my teeth and talking with my mouth full. I
didn't start by having oral sex. And oral sex? Is just a small piece of sex overall. Work on the small things that are components of bigger things.
Conflict? Is a really big, complicated thing. Break it down into smaller pieces. Then break those down into smaller pieces. Say, for example, sound as a part of conflict. Yelling. What can you do to do exposure therapy on yelling? 2 big pieces there; your own and someone else. For yourself, things like singing. Learning breath control, pitch, modulation. Being in control of yourself, 100% whether you're using the barest whisper or loudest projection. Okay where else can you learn control in yelling? Distance. Needing to shout to someone to be heard, discussing completely normal things, just very far apart... Hits 2 aspects. You yelling at someone, and someone yelling at you, so might want to save that one for a bit. Ditto cheering with others. People being loud because they're happy :) LOL Or because it's culturally okay to shout when cheering regardless of their emotional state ;) Meanwhile, other people yelling, is the other component. Find the places where other people yelling bothers you, but not enough to provoke a full on reaction. Whether it's kids playing at a playground, or people cheering. Start acclimatizing yourself there. Finding ways to play with your own responses. Until your responses start shifting.
Then keep doing that. If you lose your head during disagreements? Find places where disagreeing is okay, and practice those. Whether it's a debate club, or saying "no" when asked if you'd like sauce for your food. ((Actually, since a debate club involves other people? Back step that one.
Watch other people debating. So that you can choose to watch the people doing it well, and shut it off if it descends into nonsense, or gets too triggery. Ditto, learn the
styles of discourse & debate. Do all the stuff that is
around a topic, that eases you into normalizing what you want to normalize. THEN add wild cards, like jointing a debate club, and practice arguing with others in a calm reasoned way.)) If tall men upset you more in conflict? Start spending time around tall men. Go to a basketball court and just watch them. If short women do? Spend time around ballet. If children arguing upsets you? Start spending time around kids who are well parented (they will still argue!). If you find you cannot move from debate & reasoned discourse & disagreement into "real" conflict? Try an acting class, where people's conflicts are scripted, and the conflict itself is just a scene to play. Ditto, if body language sets you off, learning how to use it to your advantage, like standing straight/relaxed/easy in the presence of real or scripted conflict, instead of retreating into a defensive or swelling into an aggressive stance.
If, if, if, if. Literally
thousands of ways to start slowly chipping away at your triggers and stressors surrounding conflict, until you can wade cheerfully into just about any kind of conflict and wade back out, entirely at your own will.
This post is a must-read for Exposure Therapy.
Link Removed It's mainly focused on trauma diaries, but the exact same principles are used for real life exposure therapy, also. In particular, MOOD management, & DARES, the art of a successful recovery.
