Attachment Difficulties From Early Years Trauma Or Developmental Trauma

[Deleted member 33880]

Cj77. thanks for that understanding. I have a glimmer of hope in that he is going to let me keep in touch with him. He is being openly vague about that as he doesn't really know what he can offer or what it will mean. It could just mean that in an emergency I can phone him at home. That is going to feel very very insufficient from my end.

 

[Lorriedlc]

So many similar thought/feelings. When I do venture out and engage I either fake it cuz I feel like I'm on outside looking in or that everyone else got the memo on how to feel and behave but me. OR I drink to ovrtcome my fear that everyone will figure out I'm a fraud while I'm trying to interact.
Find peace, safety and extreme aloneness by disengaging. Wishing all the while that ONE person would get me and accept me. Now is that the a definition of attachment issues?

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Now is that the a definition of attachment issues?

Attachment issues take some understanding! I could write for several hours on this, but in a nutshell, attachment issues usually stem from early years when the child didn't feel secure and protected and loved, for some reason. That child grows up and keeps trying to 'attach' or keeps shutting down or keeps avoiding people (following which ever pattern worked in childhood to feel a bit more okay inside). I do a bit of all three. But I also have a history of falling for father figures who are not necessarily safe - not 'falling in love with' but feeling like a daughter to them and being completely attached and they can be oblivious. So several times I have been abused because of this as they did not understand that I was attaching as a child to a safe parent. And they were not safe.
It leaks out into my other friendships too as I find it difficult to believe that people will like me as I am. I also tend to hide behind a persona that works quite well but isn't really me.

 

[NatBird]

Hi All,

I'm new to the site and very grateful that you're here sharing your experiences. This evening it is really helping me to feel less isolated and I'd go as far as saying, connected. I first came across the idea of getting meaningful support through forums in a book by Pete Walker titled Complex PTSD from: From Surviving to Thriving. Does anyone else know it?
This book has been a great gift to me and I'd highly recommend it. The author is a therapist as well as someone who has transformed the damage done at key stages in ones's development that can cause CPTSD.

Anyway, think I got a bit heady!

I've joined because I'm just starting to get an innerstanding of the developmental and relational trauma I've experienced and its impact - i'm DEVASTATED.

In the last few years I've gone from uber healthy, serious mindfulness and meditation practioner, running 10k per week, cycling everywhere, martial artist to near enough constant affective flashback, unable to work at present, unable to look after myself (food often decomposing, cat litter stinking the place out, tripping over things left on the floor) unable to create satisfying relationships. I can tell there are people who like and appreciate me but it is as though I live in an ever decreasing glass sphere where no one can get in and I can't get out.
I want the closeness but there's too much shame and fear of abandonment.
Can anyone relate to this feeling and the absolute shutdown?

Does anyone ever feel that they are re experiencing earlier abandonment consistantly because they are so isolated? And trapped by this because in part the fear of abandonment is leading to isolation?
I'm not feeling so articulate but I hope that made sense.

Good news:

I've found this forum
I'm due to start therapy at a specialist PTSD unit
I've started doing TRE (trauma release work)
I've made a list of my values and good qualuties in an attempt to start at some self esteem, appeciation...Love feels a bit too much.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting here. Just wanted to express gratitude, relate, get involved. Please say hi.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Hi Natbird
I am so glad you found here and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Yes, I get retraumatised by the abandonment I feel when left now in pain on my own. I am on my own because I am in too much pain to go out and be with people.
It is a grim place to be.
I like that you are able to notice what it is and articulate it.
I think you have a tremendous line up of therapeutic help. I live in the UK - in a rural area - and it feels like even therapy is considered a bit racy here! As for trauma specialist, we have tried for nine years to find one but apparently they don't exist in this part of the world.
So I want to hear all about how you get on and how you are coping.
I have bought the book you mentioned but haven't read it yet. I have a habit of buying books that should help and then not getting round to reading them. I have a whole shelf of them.
I shall hunt it out now and try to start reading it.

 

[NatBird]

Hi Kaluki,

Thanks for connecting and your encouraging words.

I actually purchased the Pete Walker book last year but my reading of it was quite heady - I simply didn't get it! Now that I'm in the core of it and devastated I feel like I can 'hear' the book and find it soothing, although heartbreaking at times too. I share this as an elaborate way of encouraging you to be gentle re buying books and not reading them. I'm sure you will when/if it's right. (Hope that doesn't come across as patronising)

Sorry to hear you don't have much access to support where you're at. I imagine that must be challenging. How do you manage things?

Have you heard of TRE - if of interest maybe there's someone who can support.
I don't imagine it's everyone's cup of tea but like Van de Kolk - leading trauma specialist, in the West at least - I believe my healing will mostly occur through releasing 'stuff' from the body.
I've only just started but I can feel it is helping.

I hope you can have a decent day. I look forward to connecting more in the future.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I keep abreast of all the latest modalities in therapy - like EMDR and Brain spotting and Bessel's work etc. I have a bog standard behind the times psychologist who is taking very early retirement soon (that is how much he likes his job and is committed to helping people) and I just muddle along. I am going to have a bath now as I have awful bronchitis at the moment and am hoping the steam will help. Will start looking at that book in the bath. I have had about 2000 hours of therapy over the years, so you'd think I would be neared the end of the healing process. I guess I am nearer than I was. But bad therapy is a slow path. I feel pretty fed up just now, being ill doesn't help. but thanks for replying.

 

[Rani G2]

Hey Kaluki,

this feeling of being fundamentally shattered is something I have experienced all through my life. I Guess many here can imagine what I mean. Small incidents that can trigger and the feeling of futility that comes with it causes depression. After being in a psychiatric hospital, doing therapys, I have been able to reduce depression but my docs have told me that due to years of severe Traumatic experiences that I probably have to live with some affects for the rest of my life. This doesnt mean I am giving up, as I have made progress, and will. This might sound strange or come across somewhat palliating but if one goes through hell you also “might“ find certain ressources. During therapy one realises that there is this basic emotion of “wanting to survive“ this has a lot of potential, even if we might not recognise this. It takes time and always always raising the consiousness. Today I struggle a bit too

Shankara

 

[Deleted member 33880]

I guess we have to be kind to ourselves whilst acknowledging that we might never be fully healed. It is a salutary thought. I wish you luck. May we both find a way to live with greater well being

 

[Rani G2]

Yes absolutely!I wish you well on your life journey!

 

[Rani G2]

I dont know how you guys see it, but the most difficult thing to do (This doesnt mean one is blaming society!!!No!) Is to make others grasp what it means to be affected by psychological peoblems. It is never a choice, a decision one makes to have depression or CPTSD. I have never been very open about CPTSD with friends/colleagues because I knew many are not able to differentiate due to many reasons. Either they fear their own abysses, so they stick to their own value-moral system which also could mean never to show ones weaknesses, and if you do have any, keep your facade so solid as possible.
Its this stereotypical expression “try hard and you will get anywhere“. I wonder where one gets by telling these phrases to others and to oneself.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

Actually Shankara, I have recently realised that I was shamed from early on for having emotional/psychological needs due to trauma. So if I was taught that as a small child, I have been enacting the same thing all my life. Hiding my hurt, hiding my abyss. It is quite awful when society reinforces this