Replaced Pills And Booze With Anger And Depression.

[SMR90]

I am 25 almost 26, 7 year firefighter paramedic. Suffered physicial and sexual abuse as a kid from a caretaker / nanny. Dad was gone most of my life have a wonderful supportive mother. Was engaged at 21 had my fiancé leave me for her boss. I had supported her through school working 2 other jobs aside from the fire service. Started taking 10-15 hydrocodone per day along with a lot of whiskey. Clean for 2 years. Have now been having problems with anger and depression. Its affecting my relationships. I try and be superman for everyone in my life and hold in all of my feelings until I blow up.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Welcome to the forum. :)

Are you currently seeking professional help?

Congrats on being clean.

 

[BlueOrange]

It's good that you're not using the pills or the drink now. I notice that you didn't mention a therapist - in this place, we are very keen on finding a good therapist.

Sounds like you have some good reasons to be angry. I find that if I can act on my angry feelings sooner than later, I'm less likely to do something that I regret - therapists and counsellors can be really good for helping with that.

 

[SMR90]

Previously have dealt with counselors. Nothing currently.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think it took me 8 tries before I found one that worked for me. And sometimes, I rejected them for reasons that weren't really their fault - I used to be quite difficult to help.

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us. I hope you look around both forums, suffer and supporters. I hope you feel proud, being clean for 2 years.
I think if you read about the stress cup, it may help you understand some of what your feeling. I understand, being the superman for everyone and your job is part of that. But the truth is. Your human, just like the rest of us. Don't be so hard on yourself. Are you in therapy at all? Sending:hug:'s if you accept.
Just know your not alone.

 

[SMR90]

Thank you all for your support. I am not currently seeking any professional help, I didn't feel as if it did much good initially. I have tried to handle things on my own. I didn't want people close to me finding out and thinking that I was weak or that something was wrong with me

 

[Celtic]

I am 25 almost 26, 7 year firefighter paramedic. Suffered physical and sexual abuse as a kid from a care...

Welcome SMR90 you are in the right place for support now.. I am sorry to hear that some adults in your young life did not get how amazing and precious you were/ are, and did not protect you. I am sorry for all of the betrayals and lies you were told. The unfair thing now, is, it you who must put in the time and effort to heal from the things that have been done to you. I find this one a bit tough myself actually. Clean and sober is a huge accomplishment and signing on here is a major win for you. Do not be afraid to take all of the time you need for yourself, you deserve it. The anger piece is a common thread we all share in PTSD My rage has been so bad at times it takes me days to come back from it and days more to recover from it. I hope everything I have said is clearer than mud. I am new here myself. Remember only a select few deserve your superman power.. Hugs if you accept.

Celtic

 

[SMR90]

Welcome SMR90 you are in the right place for support now.. I am sorry to hear that some adults in your y...

Thank you for the support celtic I appreciate it

 

[BlueOrange]

I didn't want people close to me finding out and thinking that I was weak or that something was wrong with me

Very very understandable. And yet... I'd encourage you to think about whether your concern is based on the people close to you now, or the people who have been close to you in the past. As I've matured and made better relationships, there has been more space where I can afford to show weakness.

 

[Mytime]

You mentioned, looking weak. Did you feel that way from your brother at the hall or family too?

 

[SMR90]

Well some of the guys at work say that I have nothing to be sad or depressed about. From the outside it looks like I have the perfect life. A lot of it has to do with old relationships for sure. I just think that my anger and outbursts are going to cost me my current relationships