I Was Raped By My Brother

[anonymous101]

I'm 21. I moved to Florida when I was 19. A month ago I went out with a friend to a bar and ran into my oldest brother that I haven't seen in a few weeks. I was excited and happy to see him because after all I've always been very close with my siblings. My parents werent always around so my entire life I relied on my 4 older siblings to take care of me. I'm not sure if I was drugged that night or not, I don't remember anything except for being at the bar. My friend told me that I was fine and then all of a sudden I was acting extremely f*cked up, falling down, etc. Next thing I know I was at my brothers house and we were talking and he asked me a sexual question which I can't remember what it was, we ended up in a room and it started. All I can remember is being so confused and not knowing who was on top of me, I had no idea who it was. The next morning it sunk in what had happened and I lost it. I started crying and freaking out and feeling like this was my fault. I talked to my brother the next day to tell him how upset I was and that I had no idea it was him. His reaction was more that he was afraid to get in trouble and told me that if I tell someone he will be in trouble. The only person I felt I could talk to was my sister. I felt guilty because I felt like something is wrong with me for letting that happen. She then told me that she was molested by our brother for 7 years and that he has a problem. The word rape never crossed my mind until I had this talk with my sister. It was then that I realized that he knew exactly what was going on, he was coherent and sober enough to stop, I was not. I don't know what to think or where to go from here. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that I was raped by my protector. I hope that if anyone has gone through this, please know you are not alone. You are never alone.

 

[Anarchy]

Anon 101
Really sorry at what was done to you
especially that it was done by someone who you had thought you could trust.
Welcome to the forum
I'm sorry that anyone has reason to come here - but we do.
People here really "get it"
Do you have a rape counsellor / therapist or a trauma therapist who you can see? someone who can teach you coping skills and help you to work through what has happened?

 

[void]

I'm 21. I moved to Florida when I was 19. A month ago I went out with a friend to a bar and ran in...

If he has done this to you and your sister he has prolly done it to others as well.
A predator.
Don't bury this inside....talk it through:hug:

 

[claire east]

It's more harder when the person who you trusted the most Raped you I knew the person who raped me but I have a good counselor you might find it helpful to talk to your doctor you don't Have to disclose only what you want to

 

[anonymous101]

Thank you for your support guys. Means a lot to me

 

[Anon1212]

I'm 21. I moved to Florida when I was 19. A month ago I went out with a friend to a bar and ran in...

I know it's been almost a year since you wrote this but I can only imagine the mental hell you have possibly went through since. My story is so similar to yours. My brother gave me anxiety medicine after I had been drinking and said it wouldn't do anything to me. He gave me this medicine because my drunkard sperm donor choked me and my brother came in when it was happening. I basically felt my heart slowing because I was not breathing anymore. Florescent lights were in my eyes and I just knew my so called father was literally choking the life out of me. Well needless to say my boyfriend had broken up with me the night before my father tried to drunkenly kill me. I was all sorts of lost and alone. I felt like I had nowhere to go.

My brother gave me kalotapin* to calm my nerves and swore to me that the alcohol I had consumed wouldn't cause any reaction. Yeah I didn't do drugs so I had no clue what was in store for me and I trusted my brother. I always had his back so I figured he would always have mine. For 2 days off and on he fed me more pills and did what he wanted with me. I have shards of memories, not even sure if they're real or not. I only can go off of what my brother told me. He told me because he told his fiancee he showered with me. I asked about it bc I dreamed it or so I thought. It was fuzzy then and no matter how hard I try to remember I only have shards. I say shards because it cuts you mentally every time you force yourself to remember or even try to figure if you caused it. However, something I learned in therapy that I say to myself when my head tries to play the blame game with me is this: " No matter if I stripped naked and asked for it, my own flesh and blood my supposed keeper, role model should have never touched much less shove drugs in my body." I'm angry at him. He f*cked up. It's him not me. But I have to find a way to live with it.

After almost 6 years I still struggle to keep my wits when those memories try to surface. My PTSD comes and goes but loves to show her viscous self in moments that should be glorious. But you know what I damn him when that happens. My head is all sorts of screwed but I fight and live to stay strong and be happy. He took 2 days of my life I'll be damned if I let him have anymore. Even when it seems to others those memories are taking over I'm fighting a war between light and dark in my pretty little brunette head and I'm winning every day. I'm sorry for what you went through and it's not on you. It's on him and his vile ways. I pray you are holding your head high.

My sister years after it happened when I was married and pregnant with second baby finally fessed up and said he stole her virtue. Like I said I story is very similar just different circumstances and people. Keep pushing forward. Even on bad days just move one foot in front of the other if that's all you can muster up.