Setbacks For Sexual Assault Victim: Friends Touching Me, Unlucky Dating

[LanaD]

Things have been going OK, and I know all won't change overnight, so I'm trying to deal with setbacks as best I can. One thing that keeps happening over and over is some male friends/acquaintances (seldom strangers) keep touching me and it makes me feel horrible, also because I still freeze out of shame. I've had 2 such instances lately and was only able to tell one to stop (he did for a bit then started again). This makes me so angry!!! Why the F do these men think it's ok to do this?!?!

My therapist says I need to identify my "role" in this: if it's recurring then I must somehow be inviting it, though somehow that doesn't mean it's my fault. Yeah, great.

Meanwhile I'm trying to date, which may not be the best idea at the moment but in some ways it helps me practice setting boundaries (it's easier with strangers). However, I just had a setback (the guy I've been seeing for a few months suddenly is too busy to see me and coincidentally his online dating profile has been recently updated). Now I'm back down feeling sad. I feel really exposed and alone.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

That pisses me off. Other people crossing boundaries is not because you invited it, it is because they are people who don't understand boundaries. The only choice you can make is to avoid them in the future; if they don't understand the word no that is not on you.
I'm sorry you feel alone but know that others can relate, especially here.

 

[EveHarrington]

What are the consequences when your boundaries are crossed?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Maybe you can consider putting more space between you and them and put up your hands in front of you and say no touching allowed.

 

[LanaD]

Thanks for the support, Broken Dahlia. I'm in fact trying to meet new people. What's tough is it was work to believe that being assaulted was not my fault so to have my therapist put it the way he did made me feel pretty darn confused.

When I confronted the man who assaulted me he said that he couldn't help touching me because he's attracted to me. WTF! He never apologized. I wish I had someone to hug but the last friend who I went to for a hug is one of the two who felt me up o.O

 

[LanaD]

What are the consequences when your boundaries are crossed?

Normally I freeze, so I guess none. In my head I know I don't want it but I stand there feeling ashamed most of the time. A few times I have managed to tell the guy to stop. Otherwise I have cut off some people from my life because of it.

 

[LanaD]

Maybe you can consider putting more space between you and them and put up your hands in front of you and...

Thanks! I know to some people this seems obvious but it's something I have to learn to turn into a reaction instead of freezing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I totally understand because I used to freeze so many years of my life, until I took Model Mugging and learned how to defend myself. I hope that the way opens up for you. I wish you the best.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Thanks for the support, Broken Dahlia. I'm in fact trying to meet new people. What's tough is it was work...

Ugh, I hate that I can relate so much. My ex told me that I was raped so many times because I was so pretty. My mother blamed me for being raped in high school because I drank alcohol. I understand blaming yourself, it can be a twisted way to feel some kind of control over the situation. Others blaming you is just victim blaming, though. I would ask your therapist to clarify, I hope she isn't placing responsibility for others behavior on you, but I have had that happen before. He was a highly regarded doctor and told me that someday I wouldn't wear a sign telling others to take advantage of me, I didn't feel safe leaving the house after that! Take care and don't blame yourself! Shop around for help if you can, you should feel like at least your therapist is on your side.

 

[LanaD]

I totally understand because I used to freeze so many years of my life, until I took Model Mugging and le...

I'd never heard of that but seems like a great idea! It only exists in the US and Germany, though, but I'll look for something similar in my area. Thanks :)

 

[Broken Dahlia]

I totally understand because I used to freeze so many years of my life, until I took Model Mugging and le...

Thanks @gizmo for this, had never heard of Model Mugging before.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You could probably google Model Mugging and find out who they are if you are interested. It totally changed my life.