Self Hate Is A Tricky Little Beast
Damn straight. It sure as hell, is.
What do you all do when you slowly feel things getting out of hand?
1.
Humor. Always. Nothing is as hard as it was when it's being laughed at. If I can't find the funny? I'm reeeeeally doing badly, because I've only ever found 2 things in life that can't be laughed at, if I really put my mind to it. So sometimes I have to work, really really hard, to find and scrap of a thing I can laugh over, smile at, Ha! gotcha you sonuvabitch! / be grateful for in a f*cked up, exhaustipating (too tired to give a shit), just flat out bad situation. But if I can find the funny? I've got an edge. And when I'm doing badly, or getting worse, I need every damn edge I can find.
2.
Remind myself. One of the first things that goes when I'm doing badly is my memory. I can't
think. I can't remember what works, and what doesn't work. So I need to both start compiling lists of what
does work, and start setting reminders for myself (both of what they are, AND to do them!)... So I don't look up 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years later...and realize...well shit. <grin> One of my best tricks in that area? Is exactly what you're doing now; ask others. Doesn't matter how well I know something, or how fundamental something is in my life / aka I always always always do "that"... If I've gone & forgotten (or disassociated) it :facepalm:
3.
Back to basics. For me, one of the biggest parts of PTSD is having to relearn just about
everything. I have a poll around here somewhere that lists off Round 1 of those items / when I was wondering how common that was / if it was as common as I thought it might be. Anything I can avoid having to relearn it, as well as all the secondary symptoms from not doing it whether I have to relearn it or not, are HUGE. Avoiding secondary problems is huge huge huge (like sleep dep? Only increases already existing anxiety, paranoia, depression, not thinking clearly, not exercising, volatile moods, short temper, appetite issues, etc. ). A lot of the items on the list can she shorthand' days "self care". Aha. Found it! :)
Back To Basics If I've still got those things going on in my life? I cement them, make sure I'm doing them -on purpose, even if they're still mostly rote- to keep the skill set up, but go onto Round 2; the more complicated tasks, as well. Like not just simple hygeine, but making myself pretty. Not just talking to people but deliberately maintaining connection with people. Especially if I don't want to.
4.
Ignore Myself. I have to ignore myself a LOT when I'm doing badly. Ranging from the extremes of my "better ideas" (like eating my gun) to the very childish "I don't wanna!" that starts cropping up like keeeeerazy. It's super challenging on a number of fronts, especially because listening to myself (my needs and wants, not my bullshit) is super hard to do when I'm doing badly. At any point, but especially when I should. So it becomes a very 180 degrees of opposite practice, holding 2 equal and opposite truths, in the palm of my hand. I need to listen to the things I'm automatically ignoring (like hunger, tiredness, stress rising, etc.), and NOT listen to all the outstanding (aka bullshit) my brain is cranking out. The summation of those 2 things? Means I ignore myself. I do things I don't want to, and don't do things I do want to.
5.
Take Breaks. Both deliberately taking breaks between activities, even if I don't need them; and mini-isolating BEFORE I'm tired/overwhelmed/I want off this damn planet/
kaboom! So I might isolate for a few hours, preemptively, instead of days to WTF knows how long because I have just exceeded my limits. Ditto, I may only get 5 things done in a day, because I'm taking a solid hour between things I don't need, instead of 10 things... But 5 is waaaaaay better than 0 for a week/month/longer because I was
just fine...until I wasn't, and now I can't even get out of bed.
6.
Need/Wants. Mentioned this briefly above, but it rates it's own category as it goes a couple different ways. First off, as I said, I lose the ability to want anything in survival mode (and I start living in survival mode more and more when I start doing badly), and my needs get the back burner, and my
priorities get f*cked six ways from Sunday. It is reeeeeeally important that I both determine what my need/wants
are to the best of my ability, and also to make sure that I'm doing something -at least 1 thing!- that I want to be doing, on purpose, each and every single damn day. // The other piece to this, is that when I'm doing badly I stop being able to parse what's a need & what's a want... Accurately. Wants become needs in my heart&mind, while needs become wants. Snort. An example of this is never feeling hungry until I'm starving. Literally starving. All of these things in this list actually tie into each other, but this one, especially. It's possibly the most important, for me, although it may seem the least important.
7.
Blow off stress. With. A. Vengeance. For true, early, & often. In as many different ways as I can think of. And, like the rest, before I actually need to.
8.
Touch Base with people I trust // AKA Sanity Checks. Alright... Just how damn far off the Rez AM I right now??? And then also take them at their word, and act accordingly. ((This doesn't mean the thing of presenting well when actually about to spin the f*ck out. This means being completely up front and honest with people, and trusting them to be honest with me in return. The "trust" word just got used here, a lot. I don't often have ANYONE I trust in my life, and when that's the case, things need to be adjusted around a bit. This forum is one of those ways; getting diverse input to a situation at hand. It also means listening to shit I don't wanna hear ;) Like I'm doing worse -or wildly differently- than I think I am. Just had that happen as a matter of fact :facepalm: That's a very, very good thing. It really gives me something to work with when Inrealize my perception is off. But I also have to be open to hearing it. ))
