Rejection

[Bloomy]

Most dificult topic for me to talk about is the feeling of loneliness and feeling of rejection from other human beings.
It never felt like I belong.
Probably cause family wasnt a unity.

Even here I feel like that. I thought I wouldnt talk about it. Just call it my usual paranoia and fear of rejection and deal with it. But then again maybe this is a good place to explore what this is all about?
Cause I figure I cant go on living life and to heal having this constant feeling that sooner or later Ill be abandoned? That Ill never be good enough even among "peers"?

I have the feeling I lost something very important growing up in dysfuntionality and thats the ability to connect with others. Cant remember any one connected to me before I was in my twenties. Have no clue to whats that all about. Yeah I know - life change circumstances change and sometimes in relationship its time to move on. But I cant even get to the inital part of any relationship neither with friends nor guys.

Disconnected?

On this sight it seems people connect. And sure Ive felt and feel the love and care of many of you. But still its like Im not the person that people ask for. That people connect to.

Its my deepest longing. I think with my adopt daughter it must be the first time I can get a glimpse of what it means.

To write this is hard and I think Im writing a mess. Subject like this cuts deep and it becomes blurry. Do I need to find out.

Maybe Im one of those that are born true loners? But what does it implicate to be a loner?

I know sometimes I cant feel the care of another person. Must be some lack from childhood cause it wasnt any love to get.

Im disconnceted now I think, but Ill just push send and see what comes out of this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Bloomy .

I know sometimes I cant feel the care of another person. Must be some lack from childhood cause it wasnt any love to get.

Yes, my experience is when a person's family (in my mind who knows us 'best') rejects or abuses them, it's hard to overcome.

Low grade anxiety causes feelings of not belonging, too.

Abandonment I find hard to figure out. Though I expect it, of people, or God.

Not very helpful I'm afraid but you do belong, here & otherwise. Hugs to you. :hug: Xox.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Cause I figure I cant go on living life and to heal having this constant feeling that sooner or later Ill be abandoned? That Ill never be good enough even among "peers"?

I, too, suffer with the thought/fear that I will be abandoned sooner or later. That I will never be good enough for anyone to really love and that sooner or later everyone will leave me because that is the pattern in the past. I wasn't supported enough as a child and I feel that whenever there is a complication or something doesn't go right it's because I am not good enough and no one would ever want to be with me.

It's an interesting thought process to look into because for me I am happily married with a loving husband who has stuck with me through many difficult times and still loves me. However, I spend a lot of time waiting for him to leave and abandon me. I feel that way even with my children. I feel like I am going to ruin them and they will never love me.

It's such a hard thing to unravel and to remind yourself that these are messages from the past and that we were programmed to think we could never be enough. Challenging cognitive distortions comes into play with me here and trying to give myself reassurance. But it's hard.

I think it was great that you started this thread. I hope that you will receive helpful responses and know that you are not alone in your feelings.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Hi Bloomy.
I commend you for sharing your feelings. I suppose I'll try to share my thoughts and situation to you since it's the only way I can relate-
I always connected very well with friends and family.
Now, after my trauma has unfolded, I am completely unable to connect with them all, yet I still want to retain them as friends, but I'm unable to explain my situation to them due to the nature of my abuse. It just wouldn't make any sense, and I know they wouldn't understand.
My hopes is to let time pass and for my mind and body to heal- but I'm afraid by then my interests will have significantly changed, and they will be left to wonder what happened to their dear friend.
This thought alone taunts me every moment of every day.

 

[ladee]

@Bloomy, so glad you started this thread. I feel so many of us will relate to this.. So you are most certainly not alone in this thinking and feeling.
Abandonment is a huge one for me. When my world is spinning out of control, that is my 'go to' thinking... all the old messages start speaking louder than my progress. I don't know why it works that way, and really don't care. I just know sometimes I have to just 'be' with the feelings. I just have to let the noise play itself out...it's not comfortable, and it is crazymaking... and my feelings are running rampant.
Our past isnt going anywhere. It will always be here. I think somewhere along the line in my journey, I decided to see if I could 'fit inside my own skin'. I don't know if that makes sense to you or not... I had to decide that what others thought of me, or the actions they chose had nothing to do with me. Not saying I am not responsible for people leaving me because they simply did not understand what was going on with me, I could not explain it to them. I didn't have words even for myself much less them.
I still have days of feeling worthLESS... not worth the time from my son ,especially... guess I will work on this one until the day I am not longer here on this earth... Doesn't mean I'm a failure, it means this one does not have an answer... at least none I have found so far.
I like what @JEKBreatheandBelieve said about challenging our cognitive distortions... possibly it is that simple. Not easy, but doable.
My brain is scattered today... don't know if I made sense or not , but wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel...
It takes courage to put our self out here for others to see.... and I respect you for that. Hopefully you will see how many of us feel just like you do... And that it's ok... and that we can do this together... sending gentle hugs for you to someday realize that you are one special and awesome woman. And ya know what Bloomy, if you connect to no one else but your adopted daughter... what an awesome accomplishment that is... she so needs you... and you are there for her , no matter what.... that is very important.. maybe it's about quality not quantity.... she is very blessed to have you in her life....Hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

I really like & agree with @ladee 's post.

Dear @Bloomy , there is something to think about, that some times time reveals: for those occassions where people have abandoned us, we sometimes see (over time), that they abandon others also. That we were not the cause, it is something more prone to what they do to others.

:hug:

 

[Seasounds]

Dear @Bloomy , your are in good company with me. Working towards belonging is a lifetime work in progress for me.

On my journey, this is what has been helpful.

• Forgiving myself and my family-we all did the best we could.
• Stopped blaming myself; eventually I felt a 'chip on my shoulder' release.
• Giving myself space to express sadness and anger about my lack of belonging, and about my family. (This helped release the anger that kept me from enjoying and valuing myself and others.)
• Also continue to take time, whenever needed along the way, to express anger and sadness about my loneliness.

• Daily practicing acts of self-love, to build a new meaning that I AM LOVABLE and VALUABLE. (I look myself in the mirror, after I brush myself and say, "I love you." "I value you." "You are important to me."
• This is the seed to belonging; safe to belong to yourself.
• The above exercise is very powerful. It was helpful for me to write out a list of my positive traits (important to do) so that I had words to say to myself-during the mirror exercise. Positive traits-those good qualities that I am, some of the time (e.g. kind, funny, helpful, etc.)
• Taking a perspective of enjoying, appreciating, and being interested in myself and others. An example, laughing at myself, instead of getting angry at myself, when I say the wrong thing, drop a glass, etc.
• Decreasing judgement of myself and others

• Developing skills to set boundaries in socially acceptable ways; depending on the situation, saying, "Stop", when noticing that I feel disrespected or saying,"I don't like this", or quietly leaving the room. This helped me decrease anxiety in letting others close, and give a sense of creating protection for myself.
• Other small things I did to decrease my anxiety also helped: relaxation techniques, even medication that helped (SSRIs help me)
• Developing social skills to make small talk, being able to laugh with others.
• Developing an inner self-esteem (through therapy, and learning how to see that even though people say some things that can be triggering, I reminded myself that their hurtful comments were about their own frustrations.
• Asking good friends and therapists to reassure me of my good qualities-when I can't do it myself.

• Slowly cultivating social acquaintances that could turn into friendships.
• Joining groups, related to my interests, where by the mere joining I don't have to work so hard to be accepted: for me, an Alanon group, a meditation group, a book club, a church, etc.
• Reminding myself that I do belong, to the human race, to this forum, to my other groups.
• In the small moments of my day, l let myself notice/experience a second or two of the shared experience with another person, even with a grocery clerk, a person on a bus, a friend, etc. These are the threads that eventually create a sense of belonging.

• Helping myself tolerate the 'feeling of belonging', to anything. I needed to develop safety in groups and in one to one situations.
• (Through practicing all of the above) I am creating a new meaning of and for myself, of what it means to belong (that is healthy-where I feel respected and where I alway can have choice to create the boundaries that I need.

Be patient and kind to yourself. People will naturally come closer. "If you cultivate a garden, it will grow." :hug::hug:

 

[NatBird]

Dear @Bloomy , your are in good company with me. Working towards belonging is a lifet...

@Vandya really appreciating the list. Thanks for your generosity.

 

[NatBird]

@Bloomy thanks for starting this thread. I struggle with this too.
I've found that in abandoning myself less I experience (in brief moments) belonging more.
I hope the responses to the thread assist in creating a sense of belonging, here at least.

 

[Friday]

Maybe Im one of those that are born true loners? But what does it implicate to be a loner?

Doesn't sound like it. Sounds like the opposite; you're lonely, you want connection, you feel rejected both when it's really there and not. This would speak very strongly to your not being a loner. Quite possibly at all.

I'm not a true loner, either, but I'm close. I do prefer people, but if they're not the right people? I'm not interested. I would far rather be on my own. Alone doesn't equal lonely to me.

 

[Bloomy]

Thanks for supporting replys guys.

Today is my birthday. As usual no one congrat me and its just a day to forget.

 

[Bloomy]

I will do my best to get through some rough storm here and the re read what you all wrote and get back to it