I Jumped Yesterday

[Joseph King]

I have a pattern of major depression every six months. Normally I am mildly depressed. I no longer enjoy cooking, going out, or anything that I used to enjoy doing.

Normally around the sixth month, I go through a bad week. I jump on an airplane fly somewhere with no intention of what I am going to do when I get there. I drink heavily then come home. I normally don't drink at all. Only during these episodes.

Yesterday, I told my wife I needed some space and went to the hotel 1 block away. She knew where I was. I started drinking for about 2 hours.

I calmly walked outside to the construction site next door. I climbed to the second story, spread my arms and jumped face first. My face looks like I was in a fight, not too bad. My ribs did their job, but the hurt a lot.

2 men found me blacked out and took me home. This is my first attempt at suicide. However, I do have the ideality of going to sleep and never waking up. Everyday. I didn't tell my wife until yesterday.

I don't know why, but I just jumped. I wasn't thinking about family, consequences, or anything. Seems selfish, but at the time it didn't enter me thought process.

This is the second week of transition from 60mg of fluoxetine to 60mg of duloxetine. 6 day ramp down and ramp up of both meds.

I feel like my depression is getting worse, and I don't like it. I try to be so positive and help others. However, I haven't been able to shake this one. I wonder if the therapists are not taking me seriously because I don't make a scene in the office and become dramatic.

Thanks in advance,
Joseph :)

 

[sedna]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I did the same sort of thing for a few years and its a miracle I'm alive. I was particularly bad about reckless driving. I used to take my jeep off road and drive the hell out of when I was *drunk and generally engaged in behavior most people die or get seriously injured from.

I can remember how I felt just before I would do it, and during it. I dont think its possible to put in words for me yet. I can say that in a strange way, maybe you'll understand this, these episodes were keeping me alive in some way. Compulsive passive suicide attempts let off steam, and keep you from just putting the gun to your head all at once.

Drugs for bi-polar people help. Eventually I took seraquel which made me feel too drugged, which it will do if you're not really bi-polar but it evened out the cycles and stopped the alcohol binges.

You wouldn't believe some of the shit I did Joseph, I'm seriously lucky Im not dead or in jail. A doctor somewhere finally told me that the mania involved in ptsd needs serious brain calming with meds until a more stable pattern is established in your chemistry. Talk to a doctor about it. The side effects of those meds can suck, but the get better and you wont need to be on that type of drug forever, just until you've normalized a little.

Be careful.

 

[scout86]

I'm glad you didn't get hurt any worse than you did! If your therapists weren't taking you seriously before, I sure hope they do now. And I hope you check in and tell them about this ASAP. (And be careful out there!)

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @Joseph King - I'm glad you are OK.

It would be good to disclose this to your doctors. The meds will be at a low ebb in your system right now; duloxetine took a full 2 weeks to start to work on my depression.

While you are getting through the next few weeks and arriving at a working dose - can you increase your support systems? More frequent therapy, or perhaps an intensive outpatient program.

Try and remember that alcohol is going to make it worse. You also don't know well enough yet how your body is going to respond to the duloxetine - I know it's lecture-y to say you shouldn't be drinking while on an anti-depressant...but you really, really need to take it seriously.

Reduced impulse control is the single most dangerous phenomenon for depressives, in my opinion. And the SNRI can interact with alcohol in very strong ways. However you can, you need to make a deal with yourself that you will support your med change by getting more therapeutic contact and not drinking. If it's helpful, put energy into monitoring your daily mood, responses, things that tell you whether or not the medication is affecting you and how (positive and negative).

Thinking of you.

 

[Joseph King]

Hey, @Joseph King - I'm glad you are OK.

It would be good to disclose this to y...

Hi,
Thank you very much. I am going to talk to my therapist about this Monday. Also, I agree, and am aware that alcohol does not help with antidepressants. I stopped drinking 3 years ago. I have had 5 relapses of short periods of time. 3-4 days. Its like I get to this point where I want to feel good for a moment. I don't wish to drink and normally don't even miss it. It just the really bad lows. I tried tramadol instead of alcohol to increase mood on a temporary basis, but found, it was messing with my serotonin levels. I was on 60mg of fluoxetine at the time. Not taking tramadol anymore. And not hooked either. I do have a supportive wife, mother, and aunt, but they are all very busy. I am home alone frequently with my dogs studying college online using my GI Bill. Ironically I am pursuing a Bachelor of Science in Psychology. lol
Thank you,
Joseph :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@Joseph King Joseph, I'm so sorry to hear this. That's such a departure from the man in the videos!

Switching meds is uncomfortable at the best of times, and it sounds like this wasn't the best of times. If your extreme depression generally only lasts for a week, maybe you could ask your doctor to prescribe an anti-anxiety med to help you through it. I'm not familiar with the meds you mentioned - maybe you've already done the anti-anxiety meds.

Please, Joseph, take good care of yourself. The world needs you in it, as do your wife, Paco, and your fellow members here.

 

[Joseph King]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I did the same sort of thing for a few years and its a miracle...

Hi coco9,
Thank very much. I am glad you can sympathize. Before I quit drinking, I used to wake up at 7:30am, M-F and help my favorite liquor store open up. I knew his name, I always hung up the American flag for him outside. I would buy my fifth for the day, and some pints to hide around the house. Ironically, when she got sick of it and move out, she found pints that I had forgot about. Damn. Of well. Its for the better.

On the bipolar thing, I was researching that online and noticed that there seem to be 3 types, or more. I don't know if my cyclic nature fits the bill, I will certainly ask on Monday. I don't spend money normally, or have grandiose ideas like they mention. But maybe I have a minor case. Either way, I would really like to stop this cycle since it has become predictable over 3 years.

I now keep a daily journal of meds, appetite, mood, etc.. My short term memory is getting worse so I do this for the doctor and myself.

Thank you,
Joseph :)

 

[Joseph King]

@Joseph King Joseph, I'm so sorry to hear this. That's such a departure from th...

Hi Mal,
Yes it is quite different. I try to make videos on the good days, and I even watch them for myself when I feeling low. I stop drinking 3 years ago, but every 6 months or so, I go down the dumpster. I drink for a few days to feel better temporarily, then back to life. My goal is to not have the cycles anymore. They are so reliable over the last 3 years that my wife knows they are coming. Of course she doesn't say anything until later. She pays more attention to my mood.
Thank you,
Joseph :)

 

[sedna]

Hi coco9,
Thank very much. I am glad you can sympathize. Before I quit drinking, I used to wake up...

Joseph I'm glad that was helpful.

The thing that my doctors told me was that it doesn't matter if you aren't a naturally bi-polar person. Severe PTSD can create the same chemical process and behavior / sleep patterns as bi-polar. When your brain is operating that way, take the drugs that stabilize it.

I actually felt like I was going to cry the first week on the meds because all I could think about was how much different things could've been if someone had given them to me sooner. Instead I got a toxic mix of SSRI's Klonopin Adderal and Ambien that probably made me feel even more out of control.

One bi-polar drug was the turning point for me and I was on it for two years and then tapered off. The real issue I still have is really just reactivity to triggers and episodes of insomnia. I dont have that self destructive mania and reckless behavior anymore.

Yeah, I was the early bird alcohol shopper too. Sometimes I'd go to Safeway at 6 am and buy a roast chicken and stuff with my bottle of vodka and make a point of telling the cashier that I was shopping for dinner before work to save time , at least you were honest with your liquor man!

Hang in there Joseph, ask your doctor about Zyprexa and Seraquel. Zyprexa is the better of the two.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I have a pattern of major depression every six months. Normally I am mildly depressed. I no longer...

I don't know what to say to you other than to echo people like @joeylittle about the drinking and to say you need to tell your caregivers about this. I'm sort of at an all time low myself so haven't much more to give I'm afraid.

 

[Joseph King]

Joseph I'm glad that was helpful.

The thing that my doctors told me was that it doesn't matter if you a...

Hi coco9,
Thank you for the response. The Safeway bit gave me a chuckle. My wife is going to call my doctor this morning and explain all. He is very accessible. I don't think I did mention it, but I have been taking clonazepam (Klonopin) for over 2 years. Normally, 1mg for the day, and 2mg at night. I am told that is a lot. But I started with .5, and 1mg. No help from that. The doctor is aware of all my med changes. I don't BS him about anything, and I take my wife to all of my visits. My doctor said no to Ambien because long term is not good. It does work though. I love it. The Klonopin helps me sleep a little, but I take it at 7pm and it takes until about 11pm to work. Strange but true.
Have a good day,
Joseph :)

 

[The Albatross]

Joseph, in responses you are saying you quit drinking, but your lapses are with alcohol. I think I'd seriously reassess your increased risks with alcohol... and shoot for abstinence. I'm glad you weren't more seriously injured than you were but man oh man that's one heck of a wake up call.