@NatBird I keep going largely through sheer inertia. It's what I've been doing for 41 years, and I can't stop now. I mean, the only real alternative is death, or being stuck in torment til you come out of it. Also, some of what keeps me going is boredom, believe it or not. I've been through the meat grinder so many times that I've gotten bored with it. "Yes, yes.. I know life is pointless and the world would be better if I died. Also, I want tacos." *drives to taco bell*
It might be hard to believe, depending on your age, but eventually you get used to some of the symptoms. It comes with time and practice, and is certainly a nightmare to achieve, but what else was I doing with my time? Just sitting around hating the world and myself, missing out on fun things that my friends were doing.
And other times the only thing that kept me going was my heart beating, as my body refused to die just because I was devastated by blistering horror. Sometimes your heartbeat is the only thing you've got left.. The only thing that can't be taken from you. And when it's like that.. I just let it beat.
I think there's another side of this, though. I remember searching very hard for the Meaning of Life when I was younger. I thought if I found it that I would be transformed somehow.. that I would Become. Then I found it. Want to know what happened? I was overwhelmed with peace and love for the world, absolutely vibrating with energy. Finally THIS was The Answer.
Then I took a crap and went to work, because though I may have changed, the world didn't. Still had to go to work, put up with stupid people, all that stuff. While this may sound discouraging, it works both ways. No matter how f*cked up you are inside, or how transcendent and happy you are, The World is still out there. If you can't hang on to anything else, hang on to that.
