Sudden Triggers And Stressors

[Deleted member 31998]

For years I was fine with certain things, but lately whenever men try to get near me or seem interested, it sends me into literal panic attacks. If my boundaries feel even *remotely* crossed, I get so snappy and I try to be the most insufferable person imaginable(which is hard on myself to do). I feel like people overstep my wishes all the time so I become quite a different person.

Although a few have said, "Oh you can't deal with anything" or "well, that's all in your head, I'm not doing anything wrong!" It seems as if that is false to me. I make it very clear that I am uninterested but people are so persistent...AND I am engaged too. I can't stand conflict. It strikes me as selfish for people to feel like they have rights to me when I am 1. Unavailable and 2. Uninterested and never give off any hints that I was interested in the first place.

What do I do? I'm starting to become more antisocial. I'm starting to feel myself become easily enraged and anxious about things all the time.

 

[LilSam]

For years I was fine with certain things, but lately whenever men try to get near me or seem...

You have every right to choose whether or not you want to be with someone or not. Though they do have a point, as most trauma victims are very defensive, they probably don't understand the level of mental scarring that PTSD requires. I'm not sure how to deal with the panic attacks, as I often get them too when I see something or someone that triggers me. It's like a blurry memory from a past life. So far all I've learned to do is take calm breaths and carry on. Yes, the typical UK 'Keep calm and carry on'. It works though..Don't know if this helps you at all but hopefully it does a bit

 

[Deleted member 31998]

You have every right to choose whether or not you want to be with someone or not. Though they do have a...

Thank you LilSam! I'm not a very defensive person by nature, but you are right. I try to move forward and it is not a matter of disliking a gender, just certain qualities or overstepping that I feel is there. I don't feel that there are things I can give to people and I am only for my fiance in an intimate way.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I think you are just experiencing what is happening in today's society. To me there is nothing more disgusting than a human being whom I have clearly told that I want nothing to do with him or her and such a nut case is persistent anyways.
There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with people who do not respect your boundaries. I even work with people who will drop the dumbest most crass sexual comments you have ever heard. All major loosers of course. Heck, that is not anything that is wrong with me, that is clearly the fault of such loosers.

You have to be careful, because typically victims will blame themselves for such outlandish behavior, do not do that to yourself. You describe yourself as antisocial, but I don't think that is correct. You are merely letting people know what you accept and what not. If they interfere with you than they are criminals, plain and simple, no, that does not ever ever make you antisocial.
I have had so many who tried to intervene in my life, the more someone tries the more I make a fool out of them. Their fault if they can not learn from their own mistakes.
I lost my mother to cancer only two weeks ago, she is getting buried any hour now. My mentally abusive father is trying to intervene now in my life as well and I am so sick I can not ever talk to this person, because he is the one that always made my mom sick.
You see, we can not allow anyone to do that to us.
I am still in shock about my moms sudden death and now this father wants to use me as his psychiatrist, even though I have PTSD and even though I have to protect myself from the most miserable dirty stalkers one has ever seen.
We have to understand that we and only we have the choice to whom we talk or not, that only we have the choice to pay any attention to whom we want. That is no one else's right, not ever.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry about your mom @Freedomfighter . :(

It's good to be assertive s@outsideperception .

 

[Deleted member 31998]

I think you are just experiencing what is happening in today's society. To me there is nothing m...

Thank you for the unconditional support. I have always been a fighter, just like everyone here. This has helped empower me a little further and to remember this is not on me. Screw victim blaming and letting myself be the scapegoat!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Sigh. This is very difficult.

Every society has an unstated 'rule' as to what are acceptable boundaries. Problem is, those boundaries are set for so-called 'normals', those without PTSD. So, when a 'normal' person acts within socially accepted boundaries, he does not understand when someone with PTSD, someone with broader boundaries, snaps at him.

(Now, I am assuming we are talking about a socially healthy man with healthy boundaries, mind you. I'm not talking about the fellow who touches you without permission, makes leering comments about your body, etc.. Such an individual is sick - a perp of sorts.)

So, now, here I am a male with PTSD. I sure do understand the broader boundaries of someone with PTSD! However, I am a kind person. Frankly, I find the world so frightening and cruel, I work to make sure I act kindly to as many people as I can. It's my way of trying to fill the world with kindness, to fight against the Darkness we all fear.

But, women with PTSD constantly misunderstand me. And, they act rudely towards me, as if I am doing something wrong. And, please note, all of these negative interactions occur because the woman with PTSD has assumed the worst about me.

Examples:

1. I was walking down the street. I woman walked in the opposite direction, coming towards me, with a service animal. This dog was a beautiful lab - how I wish I could afford a lab service animal, especially one as beautiful and sweet as this one! As she drew near me, I looked at the dog (not her at all), and said, "What a beautiful dog!" She jerked herself away from me, and her dog growled and snarled at me, in response to her fear.

2. I was in our apartment gym the other day, along with a number of men and women. A woman resident tried to gain access to the gym through an exit-only glass door. Her key wouldn't work. I kindly opened the door for her, explained that our keys will only work on the other door (pointing). She was so avoidant of men, she wouldn't answer or acknowledge me, or even say thank you. I left her alone - obviously, for whatever reason, she finds men triggering - but I did have my feelings hurt somewhat.

Now, I would imagine that, in each of these two cases, the women might have told a friend later on that a man had 'acted inappopropriately' or crossed boundaries with them. But that wasn't true. The problem was, I was working within the accepted societal boundaries, while these women had their boundaries set out much further than normal.

So, as someone with PTSD who is sensitive to boundaries, as well, I might say that we sufferers need to remember that we are playing by different boundary 'rules'. If we remember this, we might be able to, after the fact, reorganize our thinking about what happened, and use CBT to help ourselves manage better in the future. That's my personal goal when I have these troubles.

Ben

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

OH, and may I say that I suspect that most women think kind men, like me, are only acting kindly because we are 'interested' in them? So, we are only being nice to manipulate them?

Now, there are, I am sure, men like that, but I am not one, and I am equally sure I am not the only one who is truly kind.

Ben

 

[Enaila]

I have ptsd as a woman. It would depend on what was going on in my day how I might act toward a male. When I am flashing on domestic abuse trauma, I might misinterpret what a man I didn't know was doing. I might even cringe at having him open door. Most the time, I purposely make it a point to look a person in the face and thank them or give a getting. I have made many friends this way, the person doesn't seem as threatening then, and if they do have sinister ideas, they know I would recognize them. A person can't call me anti-social if I have said hello.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

When I am flashing on domestic abuse trauma, I might misinterpret what a man I didn't know was doing. I might even cringe at having him open door.

Most the time, I purposely make it a point to look a person in the face and thank them.... I have made many friends this way, the person doesn't seem as threatening then...

Excellent points, Enaila!

All of us survivors - male and female - are apt to misinterpret the actions of others, especially when triggered. Notice, we males have this problem, too. For instance, I am male and was abused by a male; any male who reminds me of my abuser in any way (appearance, demeanor, attitude, etc.) triggers me, and so I might misinterpret even a benign action on his part.

The trick is to, like Enaila, realize that we are prone to this sort of difficulty. This way, even if we misinterpret, we can discuss the situation later with a safe loved one and analyze what happened. This is how growth comes about. This is informal but very important CBT therapy of the very best sort.

Also, I like the way Enaila "purposefully" looks the person in the face and thanks them. I take this as a positive, purposeful effort to normalize a potentially frigtening situation, and reassess the situation for ACTUAL danger. I note that she said "the person doesn't seem as threatening, then...."

Enaila, I'm going to take your words to heart. This is really fine work, and I'm going to try to emulate you.

Ben

 

[Enaila]

I struggle hugely with police officers and my T has said to try to notice one thing about them other than the uniform or gun. I am now noticing there is sometimes a friendly face wearing the uniform or I might read their name tag. I was proud of myself when I looked at the officer directing traffic at crosswalk and said thank you. He seemed surprised too.
Noticing one thing about the person has helped me focus and stay more grounded rather than go into flight, freeze, or fight (which is not good with an officer) mode.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Noticing one thing about the person has helped me focus and stay more grounded rather than go into flight, freeze, or fight (which is not good with an officer) mode.

Oh, I find this very helpful. I do fear police officers, in particular, due to their obvious authority and waist full of weapons.

Ben