Nebulustrix
Silver Member
I am making a list here of everything triggering and/or stressing me, contributing to my anxiety levels becoming unmanageable, and I'm hoping a written acknowledgment of these triggers/stressors will be helpful:
My son calling me "beautiful" at least once a day - It is very sweet of him, and I don't want to discourage him, but every time I hear it, it sends me back to him.
My son telling me he has nightmares or sees monsters with "angry eyes" - brings brief flashbacks of his angry visage, and makes me wonder just how much my son actually remembers.
My grandfather passed away last month.
My church-friend just had a family member pass away this week.
Tension between co-workers - We got a new person in the office and the individual training her is doing a terrible job. She assumes areas of the job are understood/common-sense without explaining them. Over-explains things that are simple. Expects something said once to be instantly remembered/easy for the new person. Explains "tasks" that are to be performed without explaining the "process" that makes it a whole, and then balks at poor performance. Keeps saying things like "that's what I was trying to say" or "I thought I already explained that" or "If you had written this down..." etc.
I believe this situation and the building tension is my biggest issue right now, as it reminds me of the build up to all the fights and abuse with my ex. Disconnection, miscommunication, unrealistic expectations, etc all stewing in a pot set to boil. And to top it off, I can see the issues in the poor training but can't bring myself to articulate how they could do better or step into that tension and try to dissolve it. The person doing the training senses there is a problem and has asked for my input, but she can't seem to comprehend that she is doing a poor job training and when I try to explain she doesn't understand.
My mother's stress - she has a social anxiety disorder and everything stresses her out. When she talks to me about her stress and constantly beats herself up and second guesses herself it feeds into my own stress.
My mother's failing health - in combination with the recent deaths of my grandfather and church-friend's relative, it has me sub-consciously worried about losing her.
My weight - I'm more overweight than I've ever been despite exercise and healthy eating.
My son's panic attacks, tantrums, and utter-refusal to go to his Sunday-school class because, as he says, it is "too loud" and he's afraid of people "staring" at him. He has not yet been diagnosed with anything but has either a sensory processing disorder or an anxiety disorder and I've been attempting to provide him with the tools/structure to help with both. He's doing infinitely better in all areas except this Sunday-school class and sleeping at night.
My parents helping one of the poor members of our church out by allowing him to come to our house to do laundry once a week - If I'm here when he is, I feel very stressed as he is schizophrenic and reminds me of my ex. He's never done anything wrong or dangerous, but makes off comments about violence in his past and/or family or mentions not wanting to be around knives, for example, and this makes me extra skittish. I try to just not be home when he's here.
Applying for new jobs - There's almost always a question on the application asking if one has ever been discharged from a job and why. If I'm to answer honestly I have to say "yes, had poor attendance due to an abusive relationship". Usually I lie and put "no" or put "yes, had poor attendance due to poor health during pregnancy". These applications also inevitably remind me of my incomplete education, a degree which I was one semester away from completing when I entered that relationship and which I have been unable to finish - I stressed out when trying to complete the degree online and couldn't finish my last two classes.
Dating or attempted dating - I balk as soon as I'm asked for my phone number.
Washing or rinsing dishes at the sink - many of the times my ex hurt or approached me angrily were while my back was turned and exposed as I did dishes. I feel especially nervous if someone walks past/behind me while I'm at the sink.
Going to church - There is little support for singles and even less for single parents. I often feel the pressure to be finding someone to date/marry when I am at church.
Shopping - stores in general cause me to feel nervous as my ex once "abandoned" me in the store. He had the money, my bus pass, etc with him, became angry with me over something (cannot remember what) and left me there with the excuse that I was being unreasonable and he refused to fight with me in public.
Going to the gym - surrounded by muscular men displaying their strength as I try to work-out and regain my weight/health causes me to feel vulnerable.
My son calling me "beautiful" at least once a day - It is very sweet of him, and I don't want to discourage him, but every time I hear it, it sends me back to him.
My son telling me he has nightmares or sees monsters with "angry eyes" - brings brief flashbacks of his angry visage, and makes me wonder just how much my son actually remembers.
My grandfather passed away last month.
My church-friend just had a family member pass away this week.
Tension between co-workers - We got a new person in the office and the individual training her is doing a terrible job. She assumes areas of the job are understood/common-sense without explaining them. Over-explains things that are simple. Expects something said once to be instantly remembered/easy for the new person. Explains "tasks" that are to be performed without explaining the "process" that makes it a whole, and then balks at poor performance. Keeps saying things like "that's what I was trying to say" or "I thought I already explained that" or "If you had written this down..." etc.
I believe this situation and the building tension is my biggest issue right now, as it reminds me of the build up to all the fights and abuse with my ex. Disconnection, miscommunication, unrealistic expectations, etc all stewing in a pot set to boil. And to top it off, I can see the issues in the poor training but can't bring myself to articulate how they could do better or step into that tension and try to dissolve it. The person doing the training senses there is a problem and has asked for my input, but she can't seem to comprehend that she is doing a poor job training and when I try to explain she doesn't understand.
My mother's stress - she has a social anxiety disorder and everything stresses her out. When she talks to me about her stress and constantly beats herself up and second guesses herself it feeds into my own stress.
My mother's failing health - in combination with the recent deaths of my grandfather and church-friend's relative, it has me sub-consciously worried about losing her.
My weight - I'm more overweight than I've ever been despite exercise and healthy eating.
My son's panic attacks, tantrums, and utter-refusal to go to his Sunday-school class because, as he says, it is "too loud" and he's afraid of people "staring" at him. He has not yet been diagnosed with anything but has either a sensory processing disorder or an anxiety disorder and I've been attempting to provide him with the tools/structure to help with both. He's doing infinitely better in all areas except this Sunday-school class and sleeping at night.
My parents helping one of the poor members of our church out by allowing him to come to our house to do laundry once a week - If I'm here when he is, I feel very stressed as he is schizophrenic and reminds me of my ex. He's never done anything wrong or dangerous, but makes off comments about violence in his past and/or family or mentions not wanting to be around knives, for example, and this makes me extra skittish. I try to just not be home when he's here.
Applying for new jobs - There's almost always a question on the application asking if one has ever been discharged from a job and why. If I'm to answer honestly I have to say "yes, had poor attendance due to an abusive relationship". Usually I lie and put "no" or put "yes, had poor attendance due to poor health during pregnancy". These applications also inevitably remind me of my incomplete education, a degree which I was one semester away from completing when I entered that relationship and which I have been unable to finish - I stressed out when trying to complete the degree online and couldn't finish my last two classes.
Dating or attempted dating - I balk as soon as I'm asked for my phone number.
Washing or rinsing dishes at the sink - many of the times my ex hurt or approached me angrily were while my back was turned and exposed as I did dishes. I feel especially nervous if someone walks past/behind me while I'm at the sink.
Going to church - There is little support for singles and even less for single parents. I often feel the pressure to be finding someone to date/marry when I am at church.
Shopping - stores in general cause me to feel nervous as my ex once "abandoned" me in the store. He had the money, my bus pass, etc with him, became angry with me over something (cannot remember what) and left me there with the excuse that I was being unreasonable and he refused to fight with me in public.
Going to the gym - surrounded by muscular men displaying their strength as I try to work-out and regain my weight/health causes me to feel vulnerable.
