The Cycle Continues...feeling Like A Failure

[Enaila]

I went to look for an important paper in my son's (19yo) room after calling him for the info (voice box full) and texting (no response) for info I needed. As I was working on a program which took me forever to access and didn't want program to time out, I went to look for papers myself.

What I found was not what I expected. One would think after dealing with his father, I wouldn't be so naive again, but no....the cycle is continuing despite my efforts.

The room was trashed...dirty clothes, old food, garbage bags full of garbage, dirty dishes. I decided to look in place I knew he used to put important papers and found cigarette containers, vapor accessories, and vodka bottles. Now I know why he always kept his door closed.

As a single mother for last 17 years, I am feeling like a failure. I don't want to see him throw his life away like his father or worse yet, die like his father did. I don't know how to address these things which really cross my boundaries. He has never caused or been in trouble before.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Friday]

He's 19. He's an adult. At 19 I'd already been serving in the USMC for 2 years.

That you didn't know he smokes or drinks sounds like he's been very respectful of both you & your home & your preferences. That's mature, kind, & reasoned. I'm failing to see the problem?

 

[Enaila]

I think what bothers me most is fact he lied to me about the smoking and fact he is only working part time, and asking for gas money which is going toward his habit instead. He also decided he didn't want to go to college after completing one year. I told him he needs to work full time if not going to school.

My ex was a closet drinker. He hid his habit until he was so addicted and abusive he couldn't hide it anymore. I don't want to see my son throw his life away like his father. I don't want to see him get himself killed if he is drinking and driving. I love him. Yes, he is an adult and that means time for him to act as a responsible adult. I don't want to continue enabling him, but do want to see him be successful.

 

[Friday]

As a single mom of my own teenage son? I reeeeally get the comparison between Kiddo & Ex.

I have to take a step back, rather often, and judge him on his own merits... Instead of :shifty: Just seeing his father in him. He'll DO something, or say something, and I won't be seeing him anymore. I'll be seeing his father.

I kind of get the feeling that's what happened here? You needed something he didn't give you (like your ex?), you had to take care of it yourself since you couldn't reach him (like your ex?), you found things "hidden" from you in your search (like your ex?)... And now your son is doomed (like your ex?).

So instead of seeing a 19yo kid who is just learning his way in the world, you've jumped ahead 10/20 years and he's a man who is neglecting his wife & child, his responsibilities, and drinking/drugging himself into an early grave whilst using and abusing everyone around him?

I could be totally wrong in this. It just what it feels like.

 

[Enaila]

It is triggering major flashbacks from trauma, yes. I'm asking for suggestions for this reason and am appreciating your point of view. I think I will approach it adult to adult and ask that he refrain from any smoking in the house. He can abide by the simple requests or find another place to do it.

I don't need the house burned down and it is not healthy for any of us. I will remind him again that if he is living at home, he had to be working full-time or going to college. The one who just graduated from college was told the same thing.

I guess it it's better he is learning how his actions affect others now and not 10/20 years later.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I went to look for an important paper in my son's (19yo) room after calling him for the info (voice box...

It is very tough when watching kids develop like an abusive parent, very tough indeed.

As long as he acts maturely while drinking, meaning no driving at the same time, one has to gauge if the alcohol consumption is to totally get trashed or if he is drinking occasionally. Sometimes that is tough to gauge.

When they reach that age they also often rebel, wanting to get away from parents, getting independent, but it is very tough for you because single parenting certainly places all of the responsibility on you.
However, he is an adult, and at some point you may have to remind even your own child that he has to comply with basic rules or he may be on his own. That is probably one of the toughest things any parent has to do.

 

[Enaila]

He came home an hour ago and I just calmly stated he is an adult and can make choices he wants to, but I do not want smoking in the house at any time and he needs to clean things up or find a new place to live. He seemed depressed and ashamed. I just left it at that. I told him why I had gone in room in first place (I have always respected their privacy, but was a time sensitive matter and I remembered him telling me where he kept his important papers.)

I am trying hard to remind myself he is not his father. He is a couple years younger than my flashbacks of his father. I have regularly scheduled therapy session tomorrow and am glad. The flashbacks have been awful since I found things. Major triggering.

 

[Enaila]

He has always been a sweet responsible person. He is always respectful to others and me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ok, first, its your home, you make the rules in your home. No smoking inside, no parties, keep your room clean and clear of filth, college full time or pay rent. That's reasonable.

What's not is what he can and cannot do outside of your home. Smoking outside, drinking elsewhere, drugging elsewhere and whatever else he wants to do. You can and should guide him as a parent of an adult son but you must understand that whether he takes your advise is up to him and if he does or doesnt isnt right or wrong, it was his choice he made.

Its is about the most frustrating thing about my dad. Im 35 but he treats me as im 12 and cant make a decision nor does he respect them if they dont align with what he wants. Guess what, deal with it as i made an adult decision and i hear you dont agree with it but its still made.

I get wanting what's best for him but he is now an adult and because of that, your role changes a bit.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you've handled things well so far. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Welcome to the wacky world of having an adult child. He is legally an adult so you are within your rights to make limits and boundaries with him inside of the house, but otherwise he is free to make his own choices even if you do not like them.

When my son turned eighteen I started charging him one hundred dollars a month rent. I did the same with my daughter so she chose to get married so she did not have to pay rent. They were very, very poor and it was hard to watch her adult life unfold. My son was killed many years on a motorcycle and very drunk and died three days later in the hospital and I deeply regretted not being more tolerant of him and just loved him and respected his choices even though I disagree with him. But I am always going to feel bad about not being a better support to him as a young adult. This is just my thoughts and opinions and if it does not work feel free to toss it.:hug:

 

[Flutterbee]

If his behaviour is out of the ordinary it might be an idea to have a chat with him, say you're concerned because he might be having a tough time at the moment. That's just my two cents so feel free to take it or leave it. :)