Sufferer "it's Not True; It's Just How You Feel."

[Vexed]

"It's not true; it's just how you feel. It's your perception, but it's not the way it is." In other words, it's all in my mind. I'm imagining my reality to be true, but it's not real because it's just how I feel. This is my husband's way of telling me that he is not invalidating me. Instead, he is allowing me to have my own feeling and reality, as long as I don't think it means that I'm right and he's wrong. To argue this is to invalidate him! Such a paradox! This is the way most civil disagreements are between us since I began trying to discuss what emotional abuse is.

I'm Vexed. I have PTSD from childhood, my first marriage and from things that have happened in my current marriage. I have no idea if I imagine my family to be the way they are or if I have a legitimate problem that can be attended to. I feel as if negativity and aggression are habitual for my husband and children but cannot say if it is all in my head. Maybe I am being over-sensitive and hyper-vigilant. I do know that I don't like being told that I am the only one that feels this way or that (by my husband) and that I have nightmares about some of the things he has put me through. I also know that what I crave is something I'll never have.

All of my PTSD, as you might guess, is of an interpersonal nature and is ongoing, in my mind anyway. I'm here to do what I can with what I know for sure. I practice mindfulness, meekness, and gratitude so I do not add to the negativity I am sure exists within my household. I hope that this attitude is as contagious as its opposite attitudes.

 

[Snowflake]

I have no idea if I imagine my family to be the way they are or if I have a legitimate problem that can be attended to. I feel as if negativity and aggression are habitual for my husband and children but cannot say if it is all in my head. Maybe I am being over-sensitive and hyper-vigilant.

Welcome! I totally understand this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

"It's not true; it's just how you feel.

First, welcome to the forum. Second, I want to say that I disagree with that statement. Your feelings are yours and no one else's. That makes them true no matter what. Now, do your feelings fit the situation is an entirely different questions altogether and so perhaps that's where you and your husband might start a discussion. His feelings are true and yours are true even though they may be different. It's what to do about the situations or responding to one another's feelings that needs to be addressed.

 

[Enaila]

First of all I want to welcome you to the site. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude often help improve outlook on life, but I'm not sure where meekness comes in. I had a case of emotional abuse acknowledged by the court when I was in a bad place in my marriage. What helped me most was attending a woman's empowerment group held where I saw a therapist. I learned how to be assertive and protect myself from more emotional abuse. Assertive isn't the same as being aggressive. I'm afraid if I had continued to be meek, I would have continued to be abused.

Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best in becoming stronger and healthier.

 

[Vexed]

Meekness comes in because it's the only way to avoid a fight. Every time I speak my mind, I regret it.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Mindfulness and gratitude are wonderfully healthy practices.

I am concerned, however, that you are practicing meekness in the midst of an apparently abusive relationship. Abusers feed off of meekness.

If meekness is the only way to avoid a fight - if you regret every time you speak your mind - I am pretty sure there is some sort of abuse going on.

Are you in therapy? You need someone to bounce all of this off of.

Ben

 

[joeylittle]

I have PTSD from childhood, my first marriage and from things that have happened in my current marriage. I have no idea if I imagine my family to be the way they are or if I have a legitimate problem that can be attended to.

Hi, @Vexed - and welcome.

Do you feel comfortable disclosing the nature of your trauma, here? I'm not totally sure I understand this:

All of my PTSD, as you might guess, is of an interpersonal nature and is ongoing, in my mind anyway.

It does sound like things are not very good between your husband and yourself, and your children and yourself. If individual therapy isn't an option, is family therapy an option?

 

[Fadeaway]

"It's not true; it's just how you feel. It's your perception, but it's not the way it is."

I said the same exact thing to my husband today but let me put it into context. Bear with me, my story will make sense.

Today is my husbands birthday and he was feeling hurt because his family didn't contact him. Who wouldn't be right?

So we were at the office for our internet provider today and I was trying to negotiate a cheaper rate by getting rid of our land line. Key word here CHEAPER <----- The guy at the desk was trying hard to upsell us and my husband kept saying "Well, I do think we need faster internet." we have 75Mbp's already. I said to my husband "Do you mind if we talk privately for a moment?" That started an argument.

My husband told me 1. He felt like I was treating him like a child 2. That I was ordering him around. 3. That I was mad at him for having an opinion. 4. I made him feel embarrassed.

The first 3 are his perception. They aren't feelings, they are beliefs he had based on his perception. Only the 4th is an actual feeling i.e. emotion. The fact that he said he felt embarrassed is not something I could argue with. However, him saying I was ordering him around was solely based on his perception and the fact that he was feeling extra sensitive today. Knowing my own emotions, I can assert that I was not mad at him and certainly not for having an opinion, but he saw it differently.

I am going to assume you are using statements like my husbands. Try using statements with your husband that solely reflect the emotion. I.E. "I felt scared when you raised your voice" "I was hurt when you said that" instead of things like "I feel like you were yelling at me" or "I feel like you were being mean by saying that" It totally changes the dynamics.

When my husband said, "I felt like you were ordering me around." I immediately felt like I had to go on the defensive. However, when he said, "I felt embarrassed when you pulled me aside like that." My whole attitude changed because it was no longer about defending myself but his emotions and because I don't want to make him feel that way, I was more open to what he was saying. I was then able to ask him what I could have done differently so that I didn't embarrass him.

I don't know if you will find it helpful at all, but the only way I know how to get my point across was through my own experience today.

 

[Nevermore]

Hello @Vexed and welcome
I read the title of your introduction - that was enough! "It's not true, it's just how you feel". )-:
Those kind of statements arr so damaging. How you feel is how you feel! Nobody can tell you it's wrong to feel how you do or wrong to see things the way you do. No one is right either!
It's a case of people respecting each other's feelings and insights.
I grew up on statements like that and it only served to make me extremely unconfident snd confused.
It is invalidating - whether your husband realises that of not!
I wish you much healing.

 

[Vexed]

Hi, @Vexed - and welcome.

Do you feel comfortable disclosing the nature of your...

He actually asked me, yesterday, to start going to therapy due to my ongoing nightmares but I haven't had much luck in that regard. Talking to someone who agrees with me on everything is no more helpful than talking to someone who disagrees with me. I wouldn't mind a support group for processing if I get real feedback because I don't know my head from my butt at the moment.

As for disclosure, I'm fine talking. I'm trying to figure it out. The last good counselor I had described me as a contortionist, always bending to the desires of my parents and husband. I think I've been this way because I fear conflict (although I seem to always step in it) and I've never trusted my own mind and feelings.

 

[Vexed]

I said the same exact thing to my husband today but let me put it into context. Bear with me, my story...

I'll try a bit harder on the 'I' messages. Lord knows I'm no expert at it. Thanks.

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :)

I don't know if a healthy relationship is possible when someone throws up a wall at any sort of constructive conversation.