Dom Violence My Husband Is The Boss

[Gs172003]

@BuckarooBanzai Well, that was my experience. I was told I must not be a very good...

That is a gross misrepresentation of the bible whoever told you that forgot to tell you the part about how the husband is to love the wife as Christ loves the church. I don't remember Christ destroying or ridiculing it...he loved and cherished it with all It's heart. It also says that the husband is also subject to his wife and not just the other way around. I love how some people pick and choose the parts that suit them to get what they want. Grrrr.

People drive me nuts sometimes

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

. I was told I must not be a very good wife, because it was my job to make my husband happy, or I wasn't trusting in God and praying hard enough. I got quoted scripture that says if I woman leaves her husband she must never marry again or she would become an adulteress.

As a person of faith, I am always sad when I hear people take scripture out of context, use it to bash or judge others, or to physically abuse people.

Regarding your situation: The Master of the Universe gave us the feelings of 'fear' and 'anxiety' to protect us, to help us keep ourselves safe. Those feelings are like little burglar alarms planted within us. Listen to your 'alarms'!

he would change

They always promise to change but they never do.

I'm sorry but he won't get better. He will get worse. You need to get out before he does.

I agree. It will only get worse from this point on.

Also, every time he abuses you without justice stepping in, he will get braver and move on to a more serious form of abuse.

. I love how some people pick and choose the parts that suit them to get what they want. Grrrr.

Abusers are particularly good at this game.

I had a neighbor, a man of rage, who beat his children with a belt while verbally abusing them. When I confronted him, he quoted the "spare the rod, spoil the child" bit from Proverbs, and said he was a G-d fearing man who was following the Bible. This was his excuse for acting out his rage on the little kids. Two weeks later, he tried to kill his wife; I wonder which verse he found to justify THAT act?

Ben

 

[RussH]

I got quoted scripture that says if I woman leaves her husband

When someone quotes scripture here is one they never seem to mention. It is found in Ephesians 5:25 Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Then ask them if an abusive husband is loving his wife he way Christ loves the church?

 

[hodge]

Amen, Russ.

 

[Sandi]

I re-read everything you all have said. I'm trying to get it through my head to leave. I really am. I was thinking of all the bad things he's done, but I can't remember a few things he did when I was pregnant for example (I just remember crying all the time and getting into fights), or even a few months ago I had work and I came home and drank a lot of wine and then went out to do my job because I was so sad and so depressed-- I just needed a drink. I know it was something he did, but I can't remember what it was. I know he's put his hands on my necks, but he didn't choke me. I know he's threatened me to not leave when I'm angry and he'll say something like, "don't you dare leave or I'll go crazy on your ass." He'll finger me while I breastfeed and I'll tell him to stop and after a bit he will (it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know if it's necessarily abuse). He's never called me names because my ex used to do that and it made me really sad. I think he genuinely cares. I just think he's so sacred of either losing me or something that he acts very protective. I just can't justify leaving him. The only thing that really scared me to the point that I stayed up all night was when he grabbed me by my hair, but I'll bring it up something and to his defense I was talking to other guys who were flirting with me. Even though I told them I was married and said we could just be friends-- I don't think I should've even replied. I honestly don't know if I should leave. He seems to really love my daughter and he's brought up a good point before. I don't make a lot of money. He works two jobs to keep us afloat. I think my past trauma is really the one I need to take care of.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

"don't you dare leave or I'll go crazy on your ass."

That was a THREAT!!!!!

Can you acknowledge that fact?

This guy is scary.

I think he genuinely cares.

Sorry, he doesn't care. He OWNS YOU - or so he believes.

he acts very protective

He said, "don't you dare leave or I'll go crazy on your ass." Was that PROTECTIVE? No, that was a THREAT.

he grabbed me by my hair

It doesn't matter whether you were flirting or not. There is NO excuse for violence - none at all - unless a life is in danger.

This guy is so scary, I'm telling you, I am all worked up now.

I have watched so many women go through this EXACT SAME SCENARIO with their abusive spouses. They always deny the abuse. They always say, "He really loves me. He would never hurt me." Yet, in the end, their husbands ALWAYS hurt them - even try to kill them. In one instance, the damn husband tried to kill in wife IN FRONT OF THEIR SMALL CHILDREN, who then had to testify to the responding police officer that "Daddy tried to kill mommy!!!!"

What will it take for abused women to learn to recognize abuse for what it is?!

Ben

 

[Freedomfighter]

My husband has made it very clear that he is the boss of our marriage. I met him shortly after breaking u...

Whoa, that is a picture perfect example of an abuser, in a personal relationship there is no excuse to act like a boss. Your life is in danger. Any which way you can you need to get away from that snake.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Sorry, Sandi. I need to take a break from this thread. I feel remarkably frustrated.

Ben

 

[Casey_03]

I honestly don't know if I should leave. He seems to really love my daughter and he's brought up a good point before. I don't make a lot of money. He works two jobs to keep us afloat.

If he's brought up the point of you not making enough money to support yourself, that is yet another standard tactic of an abuser -- making the abused think he/she NEEDS to stay because they can't make it on their own, or they can't do any better, or no one else cares, etc. He may very well love you and your daughter, or think he does, but he's still clearly being abusive.

 

[mamachick]

All of what others are saying is very true. I know that you don't realize it but you are in a DV relationship and deserve so much better. It will not get better. It is also true that the violence escalates and more women are killed after leaving their abuser (most women are not killed when they leave) as his behavior escalates when he feels threatened of loosing you.

Often, if they can keep you in line without violence, they will not use violence but verbal abuse and control. But when they want what you are not giving or their way, they will not refrain from physical violence. Very classic description you are giving. That said, I think it is wise to talk to someone from a shelter and get your ducks in order. Even if you don't want to leave him right now, it is so important that you have a safety plan in the event that you decide that you do need to go.

I hear you and understand that you have a child, a dog, a home, and it seems like the dream.....Its not... There is life after this and you can find that dream without being controlled. Take it from an old grandma, there is much more to life than material...even the security that it sounds like you feel in a way, as that is not real security, and you can make it on your own. Everyone needs friends and family.

 

[Sandi]

Thanks guys. I'll figure it out. I know this sounds like a dumb thing to say, but I really think my marriage is salvable. I only mentioned the bad things here because I was really upset over something. He's done a lot of good, too. I don't know of many guys who would put up with my panic attacks, anxiety, bouts of depression and listen to all the abuse I've endured and still stay. Much love to you all.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Sandi, the bad he's done far outweighs any good. From what you've told us, it's not going to get better. Please take on board our outside perspectives, as I think you cannot see just what a horrific man he is. Please don't stay with him.

I'm begging you.