Is Your Abuser Still In Your Life?

[Lotis]

First let me just say im mortified for posting this and feel completely stupid!

I'm wondering how many still have their abusers in their lives? By "in your lives" I mean maybe they still speak to family or friends within your circle or maybe occasionally you'll see them at a gathering or hear someone talking about them or maybe you see them consistently or see them on social media or on holidays etc.

I think I'm losing it because recently an abuser has popped back up into my world and I'm not sure how to deal with it other than do my best to block them out. Without a therapeutic support system my dissociation and flashbacks have run amuck.

Am I crazy to even be posting this? Is it just unheard of? I feel like I'm really losing it.

Am I the only one? How do others cope?

L

 

[Snowflake]

Hi -first of all I always feel stupid for posting anything. I think that's out PTSD and being afraid to share or getting punished.

I only see my mom 1x per week-difficult but she is my mom and her health is failing. My father died, brothers -no contact except at a gathering (1x per year) cousins-only a gathering again 1x per year. It triggers a lot-makes me nauseous.

Your not stupid!!!!! Glad you posted

 

[Michelle Shields]

My abuser is still in my life as he is married to my Mom and I am very close to my family except him of course, and I do have issues with my mom because she is still with him. How I deal with it most of the time is I only go to their home for birthdays and holidays and since I put him in jail I have this power over him that he no longer has on me, which means I am in control of what happens now and he will never be able to get to me again.

I am a strong person and sometimes its hard as hell to live this reality, I just have to remember that my life was horrific for a long time but I have gotten to a place where my life couldn't be better and no matter what happens I have my own life to go on with.

I have complex ptsd as I will for the rest of my life, everyday I exist there is a fight inside me that will go on, I never give up, I keep fighting because I have no choice. And every time a I get a piece of myself back I know that its worth this fight. I have beaten a lot of things in my life, anger, drug and alcohol issues, abusive boyfriends and I also have to live with chronic pain and illness, but with all this I have managed to overcome, on my own.

I have always been alone so I know that I am the only person I will always be able to depend on, I am in my early 40s and I have no children, because of disease. Every single thing that happens to me just makes me fight all the more, I will never give up trying to get the life that I know I deserve and no one or anything that happens to me will stop me! And I hope that you can find a way to take your power back, it has saved me.

 

[Crow]

My brother was my primary abusers. I've cut myself out of my family's lives because they still think he can do no wrong. It got to a point I realized I was being harmed by being around him pretending everything was fine. It wasn't and it isn't. When i was 20, my parents made me take the man who raped me at age 12 around the city when he was visiting. He tried the same thing. I kicked him in the crotch and dropped him back at his hotel.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

No all of my abusers are dead or long gone.I do not think you are stupid.

 

[Friday]

My exHusband is in my life by court order. He has 50% custody of my child.

And... Yes. He was found guilty of child abuse, neglect, assault, & assault with intent at the time of our divorce, as well as admitted to marital rape, and several other super cheerful things; and has been found guilty multiple times since then of child abuse, neglect, stalking, breaking and entering, a few different kinds of stalking, etc. Because it's all DV related, however, it all funnels through family court, instead of criminal court. Which means no jail time. He'd have to actually kill -not just attempt to kill- one of us for it to change courts. Really f*cking lovely system we've get here. :wtf:

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Am I crazy to even be posting this? Is it just unheard of? I feel like I'm really losing it.
Am I the only one? How do others cope?

Nope, you're not crazy. You might feel a little crazy because having an abuser even on the periphery of your life is crazy-making but, no, you're not crazy.

My grandfather, father, and mother abused me. My grandmother allowed my grandfather to abuse me, so I consider her an abuser as well. My brother emotionally abused me.

When I was 27 y/o, I cut off my family. However, when I was 43, my father became deathly ill; I returned because he and my mother sincerely apologized, and I wanted closure with my father prior to his passing.

Unfortunately, my other familial abusers were still around to hurt me. Trying to stay in contact with 'good' family while holding tight to barriers against 'bad' family was nearly impossible.

Now that Dad is gone, things are a real mess, family-wise. Even though I refuse contact with those who are currently hurting me, they get to me through extended family.

Like I said, it's crazy-making.

Ben

 

[Klo]

My parents were my abusers in childhood, and I am currently living with my mother. So yes, an abuser is still very much a part of my life.

It is definitely far from unheard of. It is probably actually somewhat common. First because if you're not capable of actually physically moving yourself many miles away, and the abuser(s) don't leave the area, either, well chances are you are going to bump into them sometimes. Secondly because some types of abusers will deliberately try to manipulate and control you in ways to keep you from escaping. So it's really not surprising that many survivors might still have an abuser in their lives in some way or another. I mean just consider the very common situation of joint child custody after a divorce from an abusive spouse, as just one example.

I completely understand how destabilizing it can be to have contact with an abuser, ANY contact, and also how there are circumstances where a person might be subjected to contact with an abuser and be presently unable to avoid it. My advice would be to practice the "grey rock" method as much as possible when it comes to any interactions, and then make sure you have your more powerful coping methods in your arsenal at the ready.

 

[sedna]

My exHusband is in my life by court order. He has 50% custody of my child.

And... Yes. He was found gui...

@Friday is your child under the age of 14?

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

well chances are you are going to bump into them sometimes.

...or one of them will manipulate you into meeting, as my father did to me. They don't give up easily.

practice the "grey rock" method

Also known as playing Mr. Spock. :)

Ben

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

The best ,hardest and sometimes the most isolating and most freeing thing I ever did was cut my c*nt if a brother out of my life. He still gains ground in a roundabout way through my other family members. And it sucks that I can't just speak openly to my other family members without fear or information getting back to him.

Saying that technically one of my parents is another abuser and I still speak to them. It's all gray area and really shit to have to deal with

 

[Panda Bear]

My father abused me untill he died when I was 8. My sexual abuser left my life a few years after it happened, gone.

My mom pops back in and out, now via my sister trying to help her worm her way back in. But no, she isn't allowed in my life.

Guess they're all gone....