I don't get why you're not 'allowed' to take your life if...

[Checkedout]

you've been abused or traumatized. It's like certain people expect you to rise above your odds and be a success story so you can inspire others. To say "yeah I've been through some bad shit, but I've made it." I've seriously considered taking my own life as a result of the abuse that I've faced and am still facing. I've written around three different suicide letters but have yet to follow through with the process of...you know. Like to me it's not worth it to be alive because in the end the onus is on me, the VICTIM, to fix myself so I don't get taken advantage of by other abusers and so I don't hurt other people, supposedly. I don't want to live my life overjoyed one day and the next spiralling because someone gave me a look that reminded me of my abusers. To me, that is a shit life to deal with. I don't want to deal with it all. I don't want to fix myself especially because I'll never be believed over what happened to me anyway. I don't want to fix myself. I just want to make some income so I can hopefully move to another place to be some kind of hermit and kill myself, because it's illegal to commit suicide where I'm from. And isn't that the most ironic thing? Having to move hundreds of miles away so you can take your own life in peace.

I honestly could care less if you were to tell me I'd die tomorrow. In fact, I'd be really happy. That's where I'm at. And I've wholeheartedly accepted the fact that taking my own life is the only thing that'll grant me the happiness I so desire.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's awful being in the headspace you are in. But, it is possible to change that head space.

Posting on here, I take as a sign that you want something different.

I believe what you went through. Who do you need to believe you? Abusers always going to lie and smoke people are incapable of hearing and dealing with the truth. If you put your worth and your truth in the hands of others to validate, you hand your power over to them and you essentially give away your happiness and autonomy. I know I did and had to learn how to be me, validate me. Hard but doable.
Easier than killing yourself, I think. Because I haven't killed myself and I have made peace with the trauma.

 

[arfie]

hello checkedout. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

total empathy on that long list of "don't want" which spins out of the victim experience. my escape from child sex trafficking created a far longer "don't want list" than "want list." before i reached recovery, i had learned how to force solutions to get what i wanted and ended up with some harsh lessons on being careful what i wish for. i might get it and end up with a dung heap which looked much prettier from a safe social distance. sigh. . . girl, howdy, that discovery sent my suicidal ideation escalating like a intercontinental missile. literally. i developed an intercontinental flight pattern of continual running from myself. alas, everywhere i went, there i was, victim herstory and all.

Like to me it's not worth it to be alive because in the end the onus is on me, the VICTIM, to fix myself so I don't get taken advantage of by other abusers and so I don't hurt other people, supposedly.

the haunting sense which stayed my hand on my endless streams of suicide fantasies was the sense that this is the baggage we take with us when we go. running to foreign countries didn't give me an escape route. i never once packed that psychotic baggage, but it was always waiting for me in every foreign port i ran to it. i couldn't quite convince myself it wouldn't be waiting for me just as eagerly in the great whatever is next. proof unavailable, but the sense nagged me that this bitter truth would still need resolving on the other side. just believing. . . proof irrelevant.

I don't want to live my life overjoyed one day and the next spiralling because someone gave me a look that reminded me of my abusers.

that remains pretty high on my own "don't want list." the good news is that alternatives are available. they ain't easy, but they work when i work them. i am not so caught up in the want/don't want dance. working with what is available has brought me spaces of serenity. i just turned 70 and find myself sorta kinda wishing for 70 more. maybe just because i can rest assured that i am safe from the child sex traffickers these days.

"success is getting what you want. happiness is wanting what you get." ~anon

healing happens, checked out. hope it happens to you. welcome to the forum.

 

[Checkedout]

It's awful being in the headspace you are in. But, it is possible to change that head space.

Posting on here, I take as a sign that you want something different.

I believe what you went through. Who do you need to believe you? Abusers always going to lie and smoke people are incapable of hearing and dealing with the truth. If you put your worth and your truth in the hands of others to validate, you hand your power over to them and you essentially give away your happiness and autonomy. I know I did and had to learn how to be me, validate me. Hard but doable.
Easier than killing yourself, I think. Because I haven't killed myself and I have made peace with the trauma.

I'm not referring to regular people - their validation stopped mattering to me when I realized most of them would happily side with my abusers by virtue of them being my biological parents. It matters to me when helplines + domestic violence resources refuse to help me because the abuse isn't physical and cannot be documented. It matters to me that I'll receive virtually no help from the government to aid in me moving out because emotional abuse is nonexistent to them and neither is covert sexual abuse. I'm tired of people telling me to focus on getting my degree when even one filthy comment sends me over the edge. If I could just get one job, I could've been less depressed, but it seems that having a gloomy aura puts everyone off. So the tempting option is to take my own life. Since women aren't seen as people here. lol

 

[whiteraven]

If I could just get one job, I could've been less depressed,

Just getting a job, even if you've been without, won't necessarily leave you less depressed, unless it's something awesome or management is super supportive and not toxic (took me 40+ years to find a job that was non-toxic. I still don't like it anymore, but at least they are not mean to me).

Since women aren't seen as people here

Here being...where? This forum? Honestly, I don't know the gender of most of the people here.

Or in the world? We certainly do have our issues here, don't we?

I'm tired of people telling me to focus on getting my degree when even one filthy comment sends me over the edge.

I get this. People often don't understand how desperately awful things are and how hard it is to manage day-to-day, how that degree or that baby or that...whatever just doesn't matter more than feeling better.
e thin

I honestly could care less if you were to tell me I'd die tomorrow. In fact, I'd be really happy. That's where I'm at. And I've wholeheartedly accepted the fact that taking my own life is the only thing that'll grant me the happiness I so desire.

Yeah, I'm here, too. Have been for a long time. Except, I don't believe death will make me *happy*--I believe the one thing it will do is take my pain away. I won't hurt anymore. So, why am I still here? I ask myself that a lot, but right now the ONLY reason is because I have two cats--I actually can't bear the thought of them having to find new homes. I love them, they know it. What if they were to be put with someone who didn't?

My mom's also been suicidal. At 89. She decided, though, not to do it because she knows a suicide can affect people we don't even know (no matter what kind of a person we think we are). The person to find you, the newscaster reporting your death, the people who were mere acquaintances, even the people hearing that didn't know you.

I've had suicidal ideation for years. Have written letters, made plans, set dates. I've stuck around because of my cats, but also because I understand that nothing is permanent. Oh, I might be depressed for the rest of my life (highly likely, actually), but I'm learning to notice the spaces in-between that aren't so horrible. No matter how long they last (or not).

 

[Applecore]

you've been abused or traumatized. It's like certain people expect you to rise above your odds and be a success story so you can inspire others. To say "yeah I've been through some bad shit, but I've made it." I've seriously considered taking my own life as a result of the abuse that I've faced and am still facing. I've written around three different suicide letters but have yet to follow through with the process of...you know. Like to me it's not worth it to be alive because in the end the onus is on me, the VICTIM, to fix myself so I don't get taken advantage of by other abusers and so I don't hurt other people, supposedly. I don't want to live my life overjoyed one day and the next spiralling because someone gave me a look that reminded me of my abusers. To me, that is a shit life to deal with. I don't want to deal with it all. I don't want to fix myself especially because I'll never be believed over what happened to me anyway. I don't want to fix myself. I just want to make some income so I can hopefully move to another place to be some kind of hermit and kill myself, because it's illegal to commit suicide where I'm from. And isn't that the most ironic thing? Having to move hundreds of miles away so you can take your own life in peace.

I honestly could care less if you were to tell me I'd die tomorrow. In fact, I'd be really happy. That's where I'm at. And I've wholeheartedly accepted the fact that taking my own life is the only thing that'll grant me the happiness I so desire.

I'll tell you why. Because suicide destroys people around us. I'm a survivor of child abuse and I have wanted to commit suicide more times than I can remember. I didn't because I know it would destroy my mother. I know this because my paternal grandmother committed suicide in an exact, ritualized re-enactment of her son's suicide, which she couldn't cope with. Her other son, my father, died young due to the stress - specifically heart failure - three years after she killed herself. I watched him die. And so, I am going out for a walk instead. I will be wishing a stranger a good morning.