This past weekend I attended a two-part family gathering.
The first part was a massive gathering for the entire extended family, and as I walked around, I saw people that I had not seen since my childhood (I'm 28 presently). It didn't take long before I started to feel extremely strange and uneasy. People would try to talk with me and ask me about my life, and it was like my brain was trippin a bit. I couldn't provide any honest answers about anything, because honest answers meant exposing nasty, dark secrets. But at the same time, I struggled to come up with lies. I felt my face cringing a lot, it was awful, and I think I dissociated a lot during the event. At one point an older woman I hadn't seen in so long and hardly knew was trying to question me about my life (like career, do you have kids, etc) and I glanced over to see my grandfather making some pretty intense evil eyes at me. The whole thing started to feel surreal.
Then more immediate family (cousins, grandparents, etc) went back to my grandparents' house for a smaller gathering. Being in the house made me feel totally spaced out, like I was severely drugged. I started to get the physical symptoms of anxiety, which started teetering back and forth between the anxiety and anger sensations. The worst of all was my mother, seeing her big, fake, creepy smile and hearing her loud, cackling voice. I kept having to go outside. And of course nobody acknowledged this. It has always been this way, since I was a child. At family gatherings I was always trying to sneak away from everyone, hide in the coatroom and so on.
I got back to my hometown last night, and by that point my whole body was just like.. raging. And my mind was racing. I felt like I needed to seriously fight someone. But I figured I'd just sleep it off. Well I woke up this morning and it was instantly there again. It never shut off. And all day long, I've felt very physically anxious and agitated. I can hardly sit still, I can't focus on anything, I keep 'seeing' things out of the corner of my eye even though I know nothing is there, my chest feels very heavy and tight, etc. I even started getting some homicidal ideation about my mother (it's just thoughts, but damn still sucks).
I wish I had a sort of tranquilizer dart for myself at times like this. It's the physical side of things that makes things so unbearable and seem to fuel everything else. Sometimes in desperation I have just bitten by hand very hard for several minutes to 'release' some of it (in a way). It's hard to deal with this side of things. In my experience, most emotions you can simply get out. Like you feel very sorrowful, so you cry it out, you have a hard, long cry, and then it's out, and a sense of calm comes in. But with rage or the "fight" response coming from anxiety and whatnot, it's different. Letting it out is like dumping fuel on a fire. It just keeps coming and getting more intense. Therapists have often told me to exercise it off. Exercise is very healthy and all, but when I start to get physical - even just exercise - while in this sort of state, the state itself just keeps getting magnified and more intense. There is a real fear of losing control there.
So instead I'll just be sitting here biting my hand like a crazy person.
The first part was a massive gathering for the entire extended family, and as I walked around, I saw people that I had not seen since my childhood (I'm 28 presently). It didn't take long before I started to feel extremely strange and uneasy. People would try to talk with me and ask me about my life, and it was like my brain was trippin a bit. I couldn't provide any honest answers about anything, because honest answers meant exposing nasty, dark secrets. But at the same time, I struggled to come up with lies. I felt my face cringing a lot, it was awful, and I think I dissociated a lot during the event. At one point an older woman I hadn't seen in so long and hardly knew was trying to question me about my life (like career, do you have kids, etc) and I glanced over to see my grandfather making some pretty intense evil eyes at me. The whole thing started to feel surreal.
Then more immediate family (cousins, grandparents, etc) went back to my grandparents' house for a smaller gathering. Being in the house made me feel totally spaced out, like I was severely drugged. I started to get the physical symptoms of anxiety, which started teetering back and forth between the anxiety and anger sensations. The worst of all was my mother, seeing her big, fake, creepy smile and hearing her loud, cackling voice. I kept having to go outside. And of course nobody acknowledged this. It has always been this way, since I was a child. At family gatherings I was always trying to sneak away from everyone, hide in the coatroom and so on.
I got back to my hometown last night, and by that point my whole body was just like.. raging. And my mind was racing. I felt like I needed to seriously fight someone. But I figured I'd just sleep it off. Well I woke up this morning and it was instantly there again. It never shut off. And all day long, I've felt very physically anxious and agitated. I can hardly sit still, I can't focus on anything, I keep 'seeing' things out of the corner of my eye even though I know nothing is there, my chest feels very heavy and tight, etc. I even started getting some homicidal ideation about my mother (it's just thoughts, but damn still sucks).
I wish I had a sort of tranquilizer dart for myself at times like this. It's the physical side of things that makes things so unbearable and seem to fuel everything else. Sometimes in desperation I have just bitten by hand very hard for several minutes to 'release' some of it (in a way). It's hard to deal with this side of things. In my experience, most emotions you can simply get out. Like you feel very sorrowful, so you cry it out, you have a hard, long cry, and then it's out, and a sense of calm comes in. But with rage or the "fight" response coming from anxiety and whatnot, it's different. Letting it out is like dumping fuel on a fire. It just keeps coming and getting more intense. Therapists have often told me to exercise it off. Exercise is very healthy and all, but when I start to get physical - even just exercise - while in this sort of state, the state itself just keeps getting magnified and more intense. There is a real fear of losing control there.
So instead I'll just be sitting here biting my hand like a crazy person.
