When Is It Ok To Talk To Your Children About...

[Megyn]

My youngest son is 15. He's very sensitive to other ppls moods and very intuitive. If I had a nightmare, flashback, etc, I tell him I had a nightmare, or whatever, and that I can't shake it, so if I'm acting "weird" (distant, sad), this is why.

I'm a very high strung person, always have been. I sigh ALOT. I tend to get irritated easily, stress out easily, feel overwhelmed easily etc. My kids have taught me to chill, not them personally but their presence and me learning to be aware of how I'm feeling and how my extreme emotions/behaviors can affect others.

Today, he and I were in the grocery store. I had a limited amount I could spend, so I was calculating costs in my head, being pissed at myself for having a set amount (I'm not very good at budgeting my money in advance and usually run out every month, then go bananas thinking of diff ways to get more money, make more money, etc). I looked at my son and his head was down. I'm like, babe, what's wrong? He said, idk mom, you just stress me out alot... :(

It made me sad, and angry. I thought, IF YOU ONLY KNEW WHAT I WENT THRU YOU'D UNDERSTAND. Most ppl, I feel, wouldnt have survived my childhood- up thru 18yrs old. It was a living hell and I'm still "paying" for it, for lack of a better phrase. It just sucks, and I despise how much, just HOW MUCH, it still affects me to this day. I've gotten better over the years, in different ways- no more drugs, alcohol, shitty relationships, chaos, etc but there are other ways, well I'm not worse per se, I'm just raw, and the wounds are open with all the fb's the last 3 years.

So my question is: when is it OK to start telling your kids about what happened? Is it ever? When he was 9ish, I told him my dad was "mean" to me. Today he knows I was "abused" and that's why I go to therapy. What do you think everyone?

 

[Friday]

My line in the sand is whether or not something is useful for my son. Not for me, but for him.

Which means I tell him virtually nothing about the past, and rather a lot about the present. Meaning I give him solutions to problems he already has, not more problems -that he can't solve- on top of what he's already dealing with.

 

[Megyn]

My line in the sand is whether or not something is useful for my son. Not for me, but for him.

Which m...

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it.

You're right... my kids just look at me like I'm truly nuts sometimes and I just wanna say, I'm nuts because...! Or I'm not being a bitch just for the sake of being a bitch, actually I'm really scared rn, yadda yadda... but you're right, they don't need to know. I talk to my older son very occasionally, he's 26. He's more likely to see me crying (I try not to cry around my kids, at least about my childhood. I never used to cry like I do now sometimes. I'm finally grieving, I think.), or I'll be outside smoking, upset about something... but no details. Idk sometimes I hate that I brought kids into this world, like what made me think I was ever healthy enough to do this? I've stopped the cycle of abuse but there's so much fallout they have to contend with, you know?

 

[Friday]

but there's so much fallout they have to contend with, you know?

Very, very much so! And it's so damn painful. In so many different ways. On so many levels. Nothing in my life has ever hurt me so much as raising my kids. And nothing in life was so worth the pain, either. They're worth all of it. I may not be (yep get the hating myself bit there, too), but they are. Worth everything and more.

((LOL. Even when they're the ones responsible for the :banghead: :wtf: :arghh; That's going on. (Teens around here, also.) And, yeah. I've gotten nosebleeds from taking the high road, and come really close IDK how many times to breaking my own rules even more often. It's an ongoing thing. Always. ))

Also, just to be super clear because I forgot to above... You know there's no right answer to your original Q, right? Different things work best for each kid in the same family, and different things work best for each family. A multiplicity of bests. What I do with my son I hope is the best for him, but it not only may not be, but even if it is? That doesn't mean it will be the best solution for all kids, in all families. Finding what works best for you & yours, may look different than what works best for me & mine, but it doesn't mean either is wrong. We do what we can, with what we've got, where we are, with what we know. And that changes. Only 3 ways to parent wrong (abuse, neglect, & not), and 1,000s of ways to parent right.