25 Years Of Abuse From Mom

[imstillalive]

You remind me of me. I wanted to start with the biggest issues first, but learning to do anything st...

You are absolutely correct. I don't even meditate everyday and when I do it's only 8 minutes or less. My therapist who is very big on meditation therapy and he even goes to week long meditation retreats recommended me to start trying it at least. It's all very foreign to me, it's hard to get in the meditating habit. I keep thinking it's not helpful but I keep telling myself with practice and routine, it might work eventually. To strengthen the mind mentally anyways. I will look into Jack Kornfield books, thank you for your suggestions. I start classes soon in a couple weeks, and I am desperate and a bit terrified about passing because I keep putting her priorities before mine. It's very hard to focus. :hug: The setting boundaries part is the part I'm terrified about. It's fear itself I fear, the unknown of what will happen after I put limits on her and how she probably will react badly to me.

 

[Tinyflame]

@imstillalive She will at first, but I think she will irregardless.

I believe she would destroy rather than delay, not that I'm suggesting intentionally, but perhaps out of fear, rage, instability. You/ me/ others- we are the root cause blame for others' unhappiness/ life.

Very much agree practise boundaries with safe people.

Yes jealousy or worse

I can't help much, but to say this. I'm in a bit of a similar-feeling position. Ultimtely it leaves me anxious to the point of a heart attack, worn out & viewing suicide as the only friendly & 'proper' option for 'someone like me'. Outside of that, I have had help here, help with a friend, etc- in other words kindness & acceptance & encouragement that "I am not so wholly disgusting/ nuts/ hopeless" as I fear & am told otherwise, & that I should take hope, there is a reason for my existence, & try to believe it possible to commit to what can be a beautiful life. Which do/ should I choose to focus on, or believe in? And yet, how difficult to believe anything else can be possible.

:hug:

 

[imstillalive]

@imstillalive She will at first, but I think she will irregardless.

I believe she wo...

Yes I feel the exact same way. I get so anxious it gives me a upset stomach and nearly a heart attack. Suicide pops into my mind many times but I know it's not reasonable to do something like that. My boyfriend has been trying to engrain into my head, this world is a very big place, there are a lot of people less fortunate than you are. Homelessness, genocide, human trafficking, wars etc. It's important to look at my issue as, it's not a problem that's unfixable. This is just a mental barrier and false reality I was taught. It is possible to have a healthier relationship with practice.

Those thoughts do come up regularly, feeling of hopelessness, am I going crazy, will this ever end, am I selfish for focusing only on me when I know my own mother is heavily depressed and has no one else?

But even if I wanted to help anyone I need to help myself first. I need to be mentally and physically healthier in order to think about another being. All these are logical thoughts of course, many times once the fear comes back again (which is never ending), I go back to not thinking correctly, I panic or cry, and sit there paralyzed in fear. I know she can't physically hurt me anymore, only mentally, words do hurt of course. It's just such a habit for me, she gets upset about random things in life, blames it on me, and I go into my panic mode. It's a never ending cycle it feels many times. It's gotten to the point that I can't even be happy for myself, my happiness lasts for a couple hours and then it's back to feeling guilty or worrying about her.

For now I can just hope there is a better future and try to do more things for myself. School, work, life

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes i totally relate @imstillalive . Overcoming it feels like nailing jello to the wall, so hard to escape the feelings. yet so good to not feel that way, a moments reprieve away to peacefulness, love, not being afraid, or sad, or panicked, or worried, or despairing, or told one should be dead or not born or whatever.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It's really amazing to me that we were treated so badly as children. I think a lot more went on than anyone realized. I have a 19 year old son, and I never found the need to say to him - You disgust me, no one will ever want you, get out of my sight and on and on. Why would you even want to say that to a small child. Or a big child.

 

[imstillalive]

It's really amazing to me that we were treated so badly as children. I think a lot more went on than...

Yes, as a child hearing those, "I hate you, I wish I aborted you, let's die together, you are the cause for my loneliness, depression etc," seemed so normal to hear. I taught myself, that it was really my fault for all those things. It's just as traumatizing hearing it now as an adult.... You seem like a good mother, there is never any reason to blame your child for your sadness or problems. I just hope in the late future when I am a mom myself, I don't follow in my mother's footsteps, as I see firsthand myself how damaging it is to a child. It's gotten to the point that I worry I'll never recover or heal from this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@imstillalive You won't recover as in you're healed, but with tons of work, learning all that you can, and applying what you learn... Things will get better for you. You're young, you seem determined, you seem like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders and a pretty good boyfriend (from your description).

Therapy therapy therapy, and starting a diary here if you haven't might also be helpful.

 

[imstillalive]

@imstillalive You won't recover as in you're healed, but with tons of work, learning...

Thank you, he is a good guy. He comes down with me every weekend to visit her, because he wants to make sure I'm okay, and she's "behaving" herself. I really wish I found this forum a long time ago, or even started therapy a while back, instead of starting now. I'm currently seeing a LICSW (Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker), do you think this is something I need to find a psychologist for? I do know I have complex PTSD. I know I want to stay away from medicating myself as much as possible, but I think those are psychiatrists usually.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@imstillalive The thing with therapy..... Having a therapist that knows about PTSD and the treatment options would be of help to you... BUT more importantly having a connection with your therapist and having trust in him/her is more important right now. Feeling safe in their office and being able to open up about EVERYTHING that happened to you and having your therapist help you process that shit, will help sooo much... Also, starting a diary here if you feel you can will also help.....

I totally get you about the medication aspect.... I tried many many times and always felt worse. The side effects from that crap was worse than what I was dealing with. But, everyone is different and what doesn't work for one, will work for someone else...

 

[imstillalive]

@imstllalive The thing with therapy..... Having a therapist that knows about PTSD and the trea...

When you say diary, did you mean making regular posts every once in a while?

 

[joeylittle]

@imstillalive - we have forums specifically dedicated to keeping a trauma diary. One is dedicated to members who do not wish to have guests read their diary posts or have their diary searchable by search engines. Link Removed

The other can be read by guests, is searchable, and open to anyone: Trauma Diaries

You can read through some other member diaries to get a sense of how many different things people use them for. And, that's great that you are getting yourself into therapy, too.

 

[Selfcompassion7]

I'm 25 years old now, and ever since I was 5 years old I've been physically and emotionally abused...

You should look up Peter walker and complex PTSD.
I'd go no contact, and worry about forgiveness after this.