25 Years Of Abuse From Mom

Status
Not open for further replies.

Hooper

Confident
My relationship with my therapist is by far the strangest relationship I have. She knows pretty much everything about me and I know nothing really about her. I've been sent to be evaluated by a shrink twice as a teenager. One was for the court for my parents divorce the other was when I was having trouble with my Dad that my Mom pushed on me. Now I've been with my current therapist for a year and a half almost. Over all it really has been beneficial. I think we tend to view things through colored glass so to speak. Since I don't share much with anyone having a paid professional's view gives a degree of clarity we don't normally have. Your not alone in regretfully wishing your mother was no longer around. Just search "mother's day" on this forum and you'll get an idea of how many of us are out there. In my mother's case she is under around the clock care since she can't care for herself. If she were someone's pet the humane thing to do would be to be put to sleep. I do wonder how I will handle her passing and I doubt it will be as easy as I think it will be but I'll know soon enough. If the next 5 years come and go as the last 5 it's right around the corner. Back to you. I can see why this separation is difficult and I can see we are wired totally differently but I think it could be made much easier by letting her know you are in therapy. You found yourself there in large part due to her actions as a mother if you want to call it that. Had it been someone else and it were reported they would have been charged with assault and battery. She would have gotten that as well as neglect. Ask your therapist if she would recommend ceasing all contact for an undetermined period of time and I think he/she will say yes. Tell your mother it is in your best interest and if she has a huge problem with it she may should consider therapy as well. For someone who likes to play games they need a play mate. They can't play if no one else will. In the case of my own children I do not think they owe me their love. Their love is to be earned and cherished and I will never take it for granted. You deserve the same respect. If she is not willing to love you on your terms she doesn't deserve 1 second of your time or your love in light of what she's put you through.
 

imstillalive

Learning
My relationship with my therapist is by far the strangest relationship I have. She knows pretty much ev...
I want to say my mother was recommended to see a psychologist when I was 9 years old. That was when the messy divorce happened. She was extremely hesitant to go but her primary physician and I urged her to go. Before the session she had a meltdown, she hated the thought of talking about her problems to a complete stranger and felt it was pointless. We did go, only for 1 session, she refused to go furthermore. I don't remember much during the session since I was a lot younger. I just remember going with her and she and myself cried our eyes out and we never returned. Over the years I'm surprised no one reported her to the state. She was an unfit mother but on good days she acted like a sister I never had, I'm an only child. She acts like a big child in public poking me, nudging me, her hard but "friendly" punches to the shoulder while most strangers laugh with us, towards us, compliment how a wonderful mother she is or tell us we're like sisters, I can only pray this moment lasts. That was back when I used to live with her though. My father never reported her to the state, even though he has brought it up to me once when I was complaining about her constant abuse. He didn't want anything to do with her after the divorce and constantly blamed her for keeping me away from him. There's definitely truth in what he said. She bad mouthed him so much to me, I hated him with a passion for the next 13 years until I was 23 years was when I told myself, there's two sides to every story, not everything that comes out of her mouth is true.

I am sorry that your mother near the last stage of her life. She didn't treat you well, but I can't help but put myself in your place. I guess I'd feel fear because that's what I'm excellent at doing when I worry. I'd like to think it'd be easy to cope with my mother's passing but saying is one thing and doing is another. Like my therapist says, even if she does pass, I won't feel resolved of my issues now. It may feel that way now because she seems to be a constant barrier in my life from living fulling, I need to work on myself mentally. He mentions to do more meditations and deep breathing and changing my perspective and view of thinking. Once I can separate myself from her and acknowledge we are two different beings and I am not responsible for her, I will then be free. Do you think you'll visit your mom again? Since you cut her out of your life, do you think she regrets anything she did to you? I always keep expecting when I have kids in the future and if I do cut her out of my life, what do I tell the kids about grandma?

I started therapy last year and I have to say it did help. Even though I do obsess over her constantly, it's more understanding a lot of other things such as letting go of my pain, realize I'm suffering, accepting my life etc. I used to be violent and a hate filled person, (I learned from the best) little things would make me angry and I believed in revenge and passed that off as justice when they in fact are two very separate things. I've calmed down by 90% since then and look at the world differently since seeing my therapist. He tells me to be "kind" to myself when I am feeling upset. I still can't process that word since it seems so foreign to even incorporate that into my life, I don't even know where to start.
 
D

Deleted member 541

@imstillalive Being kind to yourself can come in hundreds of ways, big and small. It's taking the time to realize that you do indeed matter. Taking a bubble bath to soothe your nerves. Taking a half hour and reading a chapter in a book. Lighting a candle and studying the flicker and just letting your mind travel to wherever it wants. Buying something that you've wanted, but felt that it would be wrong to buy it. Taking the time to give yourself a pedicure and paint your toes a weird color. Stopping the negative critic for even 5 minutes and replacing it with, "I am a good person."

Litterally there are hundreds of ways to be kind and gentle to yourself, you just have to DO THEM!!!!!!!

I think I'm understanding the realationship with you and your mother a bit better, the more that you write about it. Personally I think you would do yourself a great service to get away and stay away, but I know that won't happen right away. I'm thinking more on the lines of WEANING yourself from your mother, a bit at a time. Like weaning from a medication. Slowly over time so that it doesn't cause you so much distress. I think that you know just how dysfunctional and toxic that your relationship is, and I think you know it's best if it's severed. Weaning might be the answer. The decision is yours to make. We can't be involved with toxicity and expect that healing will come. Our world needs to be on a more stable plain for that to happen....
 
Last edited by a moderator:

imstillalive

Learning
In the case of my own children I do not think they owe me their love. Their love is to be earned and cherished and I will never take it for granted.
I JUST learned about your phrase this past year from my therapist, that you can earn your child's love but they do not owe us anything. When he said it, I even debated him constantly it wasn't morally right to abandon my mother or to treat her anything less than what a child should treat their parent. It took quite a few visits and tears and more debates until I understood and believed what he said. I'm Chinese so the value of family comes first no matter how dire my situation is, it's just the way generations and generations teach all their kids. Family is everything and it's most important part of you life, along with respecting elders and so on. My therapist thinks this social stigma is crazy. I do agree with him. He says when society expects us to bow down to our elders it makes it a unequal relationship. Meaning a grandmother or mother could berate you constantly for no reason and you're expected not to speak up and to listen, no matter what age you are.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

imstillalive

Learning
@imstillalive Being kind to yourself can come in hundreds of ways, big and small. I...
Yes! So far everything you've said sounds exactly like what I would've been told to do in therapy. I've been trying adult coloring books and it does mentally soothe. My problem is, I'll do it for a little bit then go back to worrying. But like you said it, you just have to do it and maybe eventually I can start being kinder to myself without having to try so hard. I think he recommended to put my hands against wherever hurts or aches during meditation, like the stomach, or chest and to think of the pain, embrace it, feel the full blow of the pain and to gently release it. I believe it's the same with thoughts and trying to clear the mind. A thought is just a thought, what may or may not happen to my mom is just a thought and her yelling is just sounds, none of it can hurt me.
 
D

Deleted member 541

Ahhhhh. But her yelling CAN hurt you if she is saying derogatory and hurtful things. There is a distinction between yelling and saying hurtful things that you need to be aware of. NO ONE Has the right to intentionally hurt someone else.
 

Hooper

Confident
I am sorry that your mother near the last stage of her life.

I am not. I am sorry she took what advantages she had in her life and pissed them away including 3 good kids. She's just a bitter old woman at this point that has no quality of life. Her only joy is reaching out causing havoc in whomever's life she is still a part of.

Do you think you'll visit your mom again? Since you cut her out of your life, do you think she regrets anything she did to you? I always keep expecting when I have kids in the future and if I do cut her out of my life, what do I tell the kids about grandma?

There's a chance I might. If she needed something I would be there but she has resources that I don't. If she does have regrets she will never admit to them because she is never in the wrong. I've been down your path of having one parent poison me against the other except both did it. My brother said it best "I don't know which one of you is telling the truth. All I know is one of you is lying and I don't care which one of you it is." People have lied about their parents/grandparents for ever. I'd prefer to omit the truth which is a form of deception but I don't want them to know everything about her. I don't see it serving a purpose.

I did not know your ethnic background. That explains a lot. I'd have to let her go regardless. At a minimum change the rules to something that is in your best interest or don't play the game.
 

imstillalive

Learning
Ahhhhh. But her yelling CAN hurt you if she is saying derogatory and hurtful things. There is a distinct...
Yes I agree with you She Cat, I think it's just not how I want to feel. At some level inside myself I know they're just words and if I can disconnect myself from her enough or take the meaning away from the words then they won't hurt me as much. It's like if a random stranger on the street was yelling at me, their words wouldn't have as much meaning and it wouldn't affect me as much. I need to learn how I can possibly distance myself from my mom like that. Even if it's just in my heart and mind and not physically. <3
 

imstillalive

Learning
I am not. I am sorry she took what advantages she had in her life and pissed them away including 3 good...
I feel like she's terrible drug to me. If I can slowly cut her out of my life and then I have to visit her again because of some serious problem maybe, it would feel like everything is crashing down again. It might even make the problem worse, or I might even completely relapse. I have no way of knowing of how difficult it would be in the future. Do you ever have these concerns as well? Or does it feel like the same for you?

I've heard several people in my life tell me I need to change the rules of how I interact with her or at least set down some boundaries with her so that she knows she can't call me whenever she wants to or overshare all of her burdens and problems with me. It's just very difficult for me to even get into that state. Right now, there's a very uncomfortable peace with her as long as I "play" my part and it's just so much easier to just keep that peace with her as long as she's happy, I feel that it's okay that I suffer. Maybe it's because I'm her child and I feel responsible for her and I know she's had a hard life too. I've seen her go through so much and all of her suicide attempts and drinking and depression and I feel if I burden her more with my own problems it's be just that much worse for her.

I consciously know that I don't deserve to live like this and to have to suffer through just to keep her mildly happy. Internalizing something like this is completely different and I don't know how I can get to that point.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
Crud! 10 hours once a week plus "checking in" twice a day?!? You're sacrificing a LOT of your life for this woman. Just imagine all the great things in life you could do with that time? Or maybe not-----after 8 years, it's probably thousands of hours. That might depress you. :-/
 

imstillalive

Learning
Crud! 10 hours once a week plus "checking in" twice a day?!? You're sacrificing a LOT of your lif...
Haha yes I've already considered that...I've tried to find it as a source of encouragement to try to break out of this cycle... It's actually a bit "better" now because the phone conversations has only been this short starting this year at 7 minutes to 30 minutes each call. Before that....each call would last at least an hour, sometimes even going to 3 hours on the phone...Plus she would call me randomly throughout the day too, either panicking about some random problem that probably didn't need to be addressed right away or to share some random news in her life that could've waited until our next call which she knew was only a few hours away, since I call her morning and night. I was in class some of the times she's called and I would have to leave the class and just talk to her and she would know I was in class and I would tell her too. And for some reason that wouldn't stop her and she would just keep talking to me and I would miss the rest of the class. Lucky enough I was able to keep a passing grade. She's a lot better now on the phone, for some reason she has grudgingly accepted that I have other responsibilities in my life and feels bad for keeping me on the phone for too long but I can tell from the tone of her voice whenever she gets off the phone with me that she would rather be talking with me much longer and sometimes I still feel very guilty whenever I hear that tone.
 

Hooper

Confident
If I can slowly cut her out of my life and then I have to visit her again because of some serious problem maybe, it would feel like everything is crashing down again. It might even make the problem worse, or I might even completely relapse. I have no way of knowing of how difficult it would be in the future. Do you ever have these concerns as well? Or does it feel like the same for you?

I do not have those concerns. My Mom and I think yours do what they damn well please no matter who it hurts. You can play her games and she can still kill herself one day and you will blame yourself regardless of whether you have removed yourself from her life or not. She knows this. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. There is nothing you can do about it. You are doing what it takes to be a happier and better person. You are seeking help and maintaining what seems to be a good relationship with your boyfriend. You can be a good child to a parent that is not a good parent or person. I may sound cold and heartless but I am anything but that. If a good mother were a cup that held water we and many others got a strainer or a handle at best. Some people are not suited for parenthood. I could deal with that were it not for her manipulative malicious side that is downright mentally abusive. If she were a good person that just sucked as a parent I get it but that is not the case with me and is not the case with you. My mother has threatened suicide but I think she is too selfish to do so. I know many consider it the most selfish act but if someone were to be as abusive to my children as she has been to me I would want to hurt them. If I treated my kids like she treated me I would impose a death sentence on myself and I do not consider myself remotely suicidal. I just could not tolerate it. If she has an ounce of maternal instinct in her she will be glad you got the courage to step away from her. I know I would be proud of my kids if they refused to take the crap I've taken. It took me until I was 45 but it didn't get really bad until 15 years ago. I remember as a child thinking once this divorce is over everything will be fine. It never was. It's ugly head keeps popping up like a vicious game of whack a mole. I'm just done playing. I to live 1 state away. My brothers needed 4 states separating them from her. We basically bolted once we were out of high school. We have kept up appearances until recently with my boycott but she is also a recluse. For years she would not let us in her house but harassed us relentlessly by phone. Those days are gone. My phone no longer feels like a 200 lb brick when she calls since I took that option away. I've said it before and you will know when your time comes but again there is nothing your child can do that will make you stop loving them. Parents are a totally different story in my experience.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top