Struggling With Sexual Transferance

[lostforgottensoul]

I don't want to damage the therapeutic relationship we have by doing that and was hoping for advice on the best way to handle/address this without the recommendation being to end the relationship.

It doesnt have to be the end to this therapist. A good therapist will not end therapy, will understand erotic transference and will work with it.

I say tell them and follow it with "i know this is transference and i dont have remotice feelings for you. I need you to work with me on this." Or something to that effect.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What is it?

Erotic transference is a term used to describe the feelings of love and the fantasies of a sexual or sensual nature that a client experiences about their therapist. Erotic countertransference is about the therapist's feelings about their client.

http://www.brightontherapypartnership.org.uk/erotic-transference-and-countertransference/

 

[Gs172003]

Probably why it's best to stay with same sex or the sex you aren't attracted to therapists

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@missy meier, not true. Im a hetrosexual female with a male therapist (though this would happen with a female therapist too due to my trauma). But erotic transference shouldnt be avoid but instead worked with. Thus why i included that 2nd link.

There is a reason its there and it shouldnt be dismissed or completely avoided (or try to avoid it).

ETA: Im terrified of females and would NEVER be able to trust a female therapist anyway.

 

[Gs172003]

I only work with females with mine I refuse to talk to men about it so I won't have that issue

 

[Justmehere]

Probably why it's best to stay with same sex or the sex you aren't attracted to therapists

I'm straight and female, but I had this type of transference with a female therapist. I know of others of other sexual orientations who had therapy related transference with a gender they do not usually feel any attraction towards. Sticking with therapists of the same gender isn't actually a way to avoid it.

It's not really something that one has to limit types of therapists to avoid. When I did a PTSD intensive, if people have positive or negative or sexual transference with a therapist, they would intentionally not allow them to switch to another therapist. They saw it as an opportunity to work on the real issues - not just that feelings were transferred, but an opportunity to actually work on those feelings that were stirred up. Many trauma therapists see even negative transference as a good opportunity to do deep therapeutic work.

Some of the techniques used by trauma based equine therapy actually encourages transference to happen, and there is a whole field of trauma therapy that works specifically with traumatic transference using somatic experiencing tools.

Positive, negative, and other forms of transference in therapy don't have to be avoided. They do need to be openly talked about when they happen, but it's not a therapy ending event, or at least it shouldn't be.

Sexual transference is only a bad thing if the client and therapist actually engage in a sexual relationship, and any decent humane therapists of all genders will keep those boundaries to make sure that doesn't happen. (It would be illegal for the therapist to allow any sexual relationship.)

It can feel like a romantic/sexual attraction/desires about the therapist, but it's not really actually about sex, or the gender of the other person, or about the other person, or attraction as people would usually think of it. In the case of the OP, it seems like it's more of a self harm thing too - which goes deeper than gender alone. So no reason to be concerned that someone has picked the wrong gender of therapist and that's why they are experiencing this.

@lostforgottensoul has linked to some great articles about it that would help explain it better.

 

[Justmehere]

I only work with females with mine I refuse to talk to men about it so I won't have that issue

That actually seems like a bit of transference happening right there. You are transferring your feelings about past males onto therapists who are male.

Everyone has a bit of transference with everyone. Even therapists.

From: Transference and Psychodynamic Therapy:
"Does Therapy Create Transference?
No, transference is not unique to therapy. It is a universal phenomenon which is largely automatic and unconscious. We all have it to some degree with everyone and everything. It's a part of why we choose our partner or spouse, our friends, and our career. "

You actually likely do experience various forms of transference in your own life inside and outside of therapy.

One of my favorite articles about transference is here: Set your inner child free!

 

[FauxLiz]

I could never pick a female T because I have absolutely no ability to work with female medical professionals. I have tried in the past with doctors, dentists, etc in the past about the only time I can trust a female to get near enough to touch me is a hair dresser. I can't even deal well with female nurses, physical therapists, chiropractors or massage therapists. All of my abuse has been from men but as I am learning more and more in therapy the relationship or lack there of with my mother and the animosity that she encouraged between my sisters and I permanently damaged my ability to trust other women.

 

[Gs172003]

That actually seems like a bit of transference happening right there. You are transferring your feel...

Sounds like "conditioning" as my therapist put it to me. Sorry but I'm not buying it. I assume all men are like that because that's all I've known bar one. If all the dogs you knew bit you but one would you trust dogs?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If all the dogs you knew bit you but one would you trust dogs?

Yes because not all dogs are aggressive!

Just being honest.

 

[Justmehere]

If all the dogs you knew bit you but one would you trust dogs?

I would likely transfer my fear of the dogs that bit me on to other dogs that had not yet bit me. Some of those dogs may be aggressive, and others not. But yeah, sure, I would struggle to trust other dogs. Hopefully over time, I would learn not all dogs are the same as the ones that bit me, and I would get to know those safer dogs and experience dogs being safe and fun and cuddly and be able to work through the fear of dogs. I would hopefully learn how to relate to the healthy safe dogs as the safe dogs that they are, and not what I feared them to be.

Transference can be a form of conditioning, survival, etc. It can also lead to unhelpful outcomes too, especially when someone isn't aware of it.

In your case, you know that your mom hurt you in the past. You are aware that she did condition you to learn, in a horrible way, to fear women because she was a woman who was so badly untrustworthy. She should have been safe and protective and a good mom for you, but she utterly and horribly failed.

It makes a ton of sense why you transfer those negative and real and accurate feelings about her on to other women and fear them as if they were also untrustworthy and unsafe like your mother was. Some other women may be horrible as well. Some are not. Some women are actually relatively safe - but is this knowledge enough to take away the fear? Not usually. It takes time and experience and safe and new data about women being safe and trustworthy to be able to trust them again. If all you have had is negative experiences, or if all you know is all dogs bite, then it makes perfect sense why you avoid them.

Again, everyone has transference and that's ok. It's neither good nor bad.

 

[pixel]

@FauxLiz I applaud you for sharing your experience with us.

This quote is important:

It might feel like the transference is actually about the therapist, but it's really about getting that unmet need for acceptance and etc met.

You might find it helpful to consider why you are transferring on your therapist. It is not specifically about him.

I have been with my T for nearly two years

ended a three year relationship with my previous T

Your wording suggests to me that the direction you take when entering therapy is one of developing a relationship, and not of objectively selecting issues that need addressing. A lot of people say that they have been seeing their therapist for x amount of time, but you say with. To me this sounds like attachment. This isn't wrong! Don't worry. but it leaves you open to a whole lot of transferance issues.

From reading your OP it would seem you need to address your feelings about coming in to a therapeutic relationship.