General What Do You Do When They Won't Accept Your Opinion?

[RubyRed]

Question for carers and sufferers.
Last year I went down the route so often talked about, of trying everything to keep my sufferer happy. This lead to us getting a dog, even though I never really wanted one. I have cats, kids, job, house, enough to deal with. But anyway, he was off work sick and we thought a dog would help him recover from his physical issues as well as stimulate him mentally. Well, it started well, then he started to get more depressed and started ignoring the dog, not feeding it, etc. Long story, short, he ended up hospitalised for approx 4 months while I was left holding the lead, so to speak. He then "fell out of love" and had an affair. Needless to say, I had to clear the decks and sort out my priorities. Therefore the dog was taken to a rescue centre.
Hubby and I eventually started to sort ourselves out, and he is now asking for another dog. I have explained over and over how hard it was for me when he was bad, and having to give the dog up, etc.
I have no guarantees that our relationship will continue getting better, I have no guarantees that his health isn't going to get worse. I cannot take that risk again.

My question is this? How can I get him to understand? Is he just being selfish again, knowing that I gave in before?

Any replies will be appreciated.

Thanks Dxxx

 

[freya]

I'm not sure if it's about 'getting him to understand'. Seems to me this is about your boundaries. You don't want another dog or another round of the events that happened before, and I can imagine that. I think it's a matter of saying 'no' and expecting him to respect it, more than a matter of 'how to reason with him'...

I think maybe you could 'offer' something like, if he does well for four years, you might consider getting a dog again.

I'm not only thinking of your wellbeing and that of your partner but also of that of the dog who has no choice.

Before I got a dog I first made sure I had two people, one friend and one relative who promised they'd take the dog, for good or for as long as necessary, in case I would get ill or hospitalized. I'd suggest you'd do the same as I think it's very tough, both on you and on the dog, to take an animal to a rescue center like that.

 

[fin]

I don't know if I am out of line saying this but, perhaps you could maybe help him to see this in another way;

You have said that originally it was a good idea for him at first, and maybe in some way he is trying to find a way to begin caring somehow. Maybe if he is able to care for a dog this will help him.... NOW this is the bit thats maybe not so good I dont know....

Perhaps he could try to volunteer at an animal centre of some sort. Not necessarily a dog shelter because you may come back to find 20 dogs, (sorry.) But if he is able to see that he can be of some worth somehow, it may help him to gain some beliefs back about who he is.

Maybe he could even become a dog walker for someone else...maybe that might help him to regain a sense of purpose. and at the same time get him out and well you never know..

I hope this can help perhaps look at what it is that he feels having a dog could bring him, and maybe if you can reach a compromise at this point in time it might help him see that you both can work on this togther.

I don't know but I am thinking it might still concern him, that he let you down in his falling "out of love". But as you have been able to work through this somehow, it leads me to think that maybe he didn't fall out of love, that maybe he didn't know what everything was about anymore.

These are just some ideas and I dont know what your situation is very well from this post, but I agree it is hard to take on the responsibility of a dog, on top of everything else, and these things that get us with PTSD can sometimes be fleeting and momentary. I hope this helps.

Good Luck
~fin

 

[2quilt]

Pets require responsible owners. If he can't take care of himself, he can't be responsible to care for the needs of kids and pets and YOU.

Start with a houseplant. If he can keep that alive, go for a fish or something that does not need walking, petsitters, social contact, vet bills, and it will entertain your cats too.

Set boundaries with him. I agree about letting him volunteer at the humane society; they always need people to walk the dogs.

 

[Nicolette]

Therefore the dog was taken to a rescue centre

I concur with what the others have said. If the first dog was taken to a rescue centre perhaps your husband could dedicate some of his time helping at the rescue centre. He then gets dogs to play with but also sees the consequence of his current inability to be fully responsible for a dog.

 

[Tinyflame]

I also agree with the others. Owning and caring for a pet is like having a child, they are thoroughly dependent on you.

On one occassion I thought I might have to give up my (huge), older German Shepherd to a shelter (-thank God I did not). It was absolutely devastating. I can only imagine going thru that scenario and the impact on the kids if they were attached.

I think the volunteering suggestion is an excellent and appropriate place to start.

 

[goingonhope]

Hello RubyRed,

(I have Ptsd)

.......I'm certainly not your husband, though! .....(smiles)


For me if I was desperately struggling to accept, No! Or not accepting my spouse's opinion upon something anywhere's near this scenario, well then I'd be in an obsessive/compulsive convincing thought cycle where I figured that I must have this or that in order to survive, when really I didn't need such to survive.

I'd have to already be depressed and thinking that I was going to suffer more and die, if I didn't get my requests/demands met. So in my case, it would become selfishness, bc it then would become all about: me believing something, .....'I want/need this! or else I can't live.' Really, though this would be my delusion and my attempts at avoidance of dealing with other things.

As adults whether ill or not, we must learn to adjust to delaying instant gratifications even if we think we're going to die without such. Truth is, we don't die instead we grow up and learn improved skills at coping.

Now as for your husband, I couldn't possible know what's up.

I'm just relating and sharing here how I've thought at times throughout my life. Trusting in the conflict that my such thinking has created and sharing that I have to learn and relearn such lessons of delayed gratification along the way, that do not always come with an easier acceptance, nor necessarily without conflict, nor have been the least bit enjoyable; though all-around-rewarding lessons, once I'm fortunate to get honest with myself.

Hope you find the help and answers you need at one point or another and soon.

Take Care.
Hope

 

[teejaye]

Hello! I empathize with your situation and I must say that your position on not getting a dog seems sound. I have nothing to add that has not already been said about that point.
However, before reading the content of your post, I had a reaction of sorts to your subject line. "What do you do when they won't accept your opinion?" What a great question for everyone - no matter the situation, people involved, etc.

My answer to that, and it may help with communication with your husband, is to stop and listen. When someone isn't accepting my thoughts, I tend to want to get louder or more adament about them. Instead I fight that urge and start asking questions. "What about this is important for you?" "If you could wave a magic wand, how would this look different?" Sometimes you feel like you're giving up a place of power, but just listen and don't give way or cross boundaries. Listening is free and easy - and sometimes the other person works it all out and comes to your conclusion anyway! (Then there's the whole fighting the urge to say 'I told you so' to contend with :)

Anyway, I know this may seem random but I wanted to respond with my original thoughts. Thanks for listening.

 

[becvan]

First off: I know this is going to be the "unpopular" post. I get that already.

Now, my thoughts on this is the entire situation with the dog is absolutely ridiculous. Having any sort of pet is not the responsibility of just one person, it is the responsibility of the entire family. All around the world, animal shelters are filled with pets for this very reason (and most of those pets get destroyed btw). A person gets a dog and then only one person is deemed responsible for it. What a load of crap!

The responsibility of this dog was that of the entire family. The entire family is at fault.

I do agree that no, a dog should not be brought back into this home. Pets are not to fill some hole, and shouldn't be treated as just a casual possession. They are a living breathing animal that has a right to live in a home where they are actually wanted and will be taken care of.

bec

 

[RubyRed]

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions, even you bec!
I am a big girl and can take the rough with the smooth, and you are totally correct in saying that the dog was the whole family's responsibility. Problem was, I couldn't cope! Although I didn't originally want a dog in my life, he wormed his way in and I was completely heartbroken to let him go.
I could not give him what he needed or wanted at that point in my life and it was entirely in his interests to be away from me. My kids were broken up, but I just could see no other way out. Thats enough of defending myself.

Teejaye, you are right. I did get to the point where I felt like just screaming at the top of my voice "I have said this a hundred times", but Friday night I went home, sat down, turned off the tv and just asked what was so important about him having another dog. Which strangely led him to say stuff that Hope said. He "needed" a dog, could only be complete with a dog, beleives that everything will be better with a dog.
Things are starting to make sense!!!!!

Everyone else, I have mentioned the rescue centre and walking dogs etc. And he really wasnt interested. Your point about a different animal is good though as he might feel that he is giving something back??? And the mention of waiting 4 years (sorry dont know how to quote yet) is a brilliant idea.

Thank you all for your advice and differing opinions. I am so very glad I found this site!
RR xxxx