Sexual Assault Was I Raped Or Overthinking It?

[cicig22]

Losing my virginity was an awful experience, mostly because I couldn't tell if that was what I really wanted. I was only 15 years old and had just started dating one of the most popular guys in my grade, this is significant because I wasn't the average type of girl guys would go for. I was a tomboy and very quiet, so having any boy's attention was new to me.

After one of his basketball games, he called me to meet him outside the gym. I stood in front of a guy I hardly even knew. I felt like a zombie, the way my brain just shut off when he touched me. I was stunned and confused and he then started grabbing my hand, pulling me towards the infamous make-out corner. He wanted to be alone. At this point, I had no intention of having sex with him. I don't know why I followed him but I regret it still to this day 6 years later.

We made it to a secluded corner and we started kissing. At first I enjoyed it but then he started to grab my chest and my hips, forcing his erection on me. I suggested that we stop because we were outside school! I didn't want to get caught, I was also nervous about things moving so fast. However he kept insisting that everything was fine. I whispered no and mumbled-on about how I didn't think we should be doing this, as he was turning me around and already unzipping his pants.

He asked me to pull down my jeans. I hesitated and let my fingers linger on the button, thinking if this was really what I wanted. I ended up turning back around to kiss him, trying to diffuse the situation. Yet he got hold of my pants and got his hand inside. I was telling him no, and he said it was okay so I stopped resisting. He turned me around again and I heard his pants unzip, at this point I was frozen. I was so zoned out, I was able to hear my heart pounding from my chest. I was just waiting for it to be over.

My question is if anyone can help me decide if I am overthinking this. Am I at fault for giving in or should my suggestions to stop be enough. I was trying too hard for him to like me so I didn't want to scream no and run-away, but I probably should have.

 

[EveHarrington]

You said "no" repeated times. This means that you verbalized to him that you did not want to have sex. Yes, I believe this was rape. :hug:


Unfortunately we live in a society where some guys think that "no" really means yes and that we're just playing hard to get. No always means no. I'm so sorry this happened to you. No woman wants her first time to be like that.

 

[Casey_03]

I don't think you're at fault, but I think you're right when you say you should've just walked/run away. Kissing him to defuse the situation probably wasn't the best idea (though at the same time, I do understand why you did it, and why in that moment it seemed like the best thing to do). I think it's worth examining why you froze, and why you didn't immediately assert yourself and walk away, because there might be deeper reasons for that. And also because it will help prevent anything like this from happening again.

 

[Sideways]

Am I at fault for giving in or should my suggestions to stop be enough.

I think that, when you say "No", it's about as clear as you can get with rape...until that "No" is followed by behaviour that's inconsistent. There are many many ways of communicating. The question becomes one that only you can answer: what was going on in your mind at the time? Did you change your mind and give consent? Did you only kiss him back because you were coerced? Or is it somewhere in between?

Either way, you weren't "at fault", whether it was consensual sex or rape. You had sex, and it sounds like you didn't want to, and there's always going to be ways that we could behave differently with the benefit of 6 years of considering alternatives. But you are not "at fault" for what happened, regardless of the label you put on it.

The alternative you've posed: that suggestions should be enough? That doesn't sit comfortably with me either. We shouldn't ever have to kick and fight and scream to stop someone from raping us. But clear communication cuts both ways. And we get better at it as we get older and more confident about what we want.

We definitely shouldn't beat ourselves up for not communicating loud and clear and confidently the first time we have sex, because more often than not, we're confused and nervous and scared and...And you know, it's okay if you were all those things. You still have complete autonomy over your body. You're allowed to say No and you're entitled to have that respected, even if you are nervous as hell.

But I can't help wondering about the thread title: am I overthinking it? Can I ask, is there more to this issue for you than this particular occasion? The reason I ask is that overthinking the finer details is my number 1 fave method for avoiding dealing with the real issue or the bigger picture...

 

[ccg22]

But I can't help wondering about the thread title: am I overthinking it? Can I ask, is there more to this issue for you than this particular occasion? The reason I ask is that overthinking the finer details is my number 1 fave method for avoiding dealing with the real issue or the bigger picture...

There isn't very much more I could say to this situation. But a similar situation has happened to me recently in college. This time it was with a boyfriend I had been seeing for several months. He used to work nearby, so we would go to his house after work and hang out. One night he called me over to his place, a typical dorm-styled apartment with 3 college kids shoved in a little room.

When I arrived, I realized he was drunk. I tried to take care of him and get him to drink water and then go to bed. I ended up laying down next to him while he was trying to fall asleep. However, he began to get very sexually aggressive towards me. I refused because 1st: He was very drunk and 2nd: one of his roommates was also in the room with us, he too was drunk but was already sleeping.

He forced himself on top of me, and I pushed him back onto the bed. He was my boyfriend so I did not think much of it. But then he started getting angry as I would roll away to the other side of the bed. I got up and went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, and when I came back he had his pants off under the blankets. I did not find this out until I was already half way asleep. He started touching me and I told him no. He started to complain and kept on doing what he wanted. I told him no again. Even while he was on top of me, I was telling him no as he pulled down my pants. I tried to get up but he was sitting on my legs.

He entered me and thrusted a couple times, and I wanted to cry so bad. Again, I froze and didn't say anything. He was my boyfriend, we've had sex before and in my head I thought "Why does it feel so different this time?".

He ended up finishing and immediately fell asleep, while I rolled over and cried. I wanted to leave, but I lived far away and it was 4am. I ended up waking up before him a couple hours later and took an Uber home.

That night we broke up.
I never told anyone about this... but this was why I never talked to him again, and the f*cked up part is the fact that I don't even know if he remembers what he did to me.

 

[Sideways]

I hear you. The recent stuff makes all the demons of the past come out of the woodwork and you start questioning yourself and thinking "it must be something I'm doing..."

No man, drunk or otherwise, gets to force himself on you. Period. The more it happens, the less we tend to believe it, and the more we get angry at ourselves. But the truth is, you didn't deserve either of these situations, and I can understand completely why they've left you reeling. It's okay to reach out for support. Looking after your needs right now is top priority, yeah?

The ugly truth is that guys can push us beyond our boundaries when we don't want them to. They aren't always doing it maliciously, but too often they start disregarding the autonomy that we have over our body, and that when we say "No", that's the end of it. Protecting ourselves becomes something that we shouldn't have to do, but sometimes it's necessary.

What these two guys have done does not mean it's okay, or that you did anything wrong. But try and become stronger for it. Don't let them push you. You say No, you stand your ground. No. Piss off. Get your goddamn hands off me you drunk sonofa...you know? Throw polite out the window. Because you're worth it. No one gets to touch you without your say so. No one. Not ever.

 

[NaeNae75]

All I can say is that the only thing you're overthinking is that it would ever be considered okay. I had an extremely similar situation...right down to it being in school. I did manage to push him away and he heard a noise and ran off before I was "penetrated".... I also didn't run, kick, or scream. I was too afraid because of past sexual abuse as a child, and he was a huge guy...about 6' and 200 lbs or so.

I hated myself for a long time for not screaming, for not fighting back. I questioned myself too. The reality is, no....it isn't okay - EVER!
What I came to realize is that there are 3 reactions to a traumatic event. Fight, Flight, or FREEZE. I was frozen, in fact, because I was already such a traumatized kid, I think I was dissociating at the time, to be honest.

I hope you can realize that society doesn't get to dictate to you...if you felt violated, you were violated. PERIOD. I hope maybe this can help you on your way to recovery.