Therapist And Attachment Issues

[rosey]

I recently returned to a therapist after a year with someone else. The therapy ended a year ago when it was apparent I need more support however after a year I decided it was time to return. She is a brilliant therapist who understands me very well however we seem to have a few boundary issues and it is two way. We have been very open about it in the few weeks that I have been back. I am in awe of her she is a very together person who practices what she preaches (many therapist dont) she inspires me in so many ways and it is nice for me to have someone like that to restore my faith in the world (My childhood trauma took that). She has previoulsy cried openly infront of me when I have been talking about my stuff commenting that 'I touch her heart'. I know a lot about her and her life she is very open with me in a way I know (by her confession) that she doesnt with other clients. After todays session she checked up that I got home ok via a text after I had a minor care issue, the worry on her face was obvious to me when there was no need for it. I love that she cares for me but it makes it hard for me as I dont want to say anything to make her worry. it is a complete head over heart thing in deciding whether to stay in therapy with her, my head says no but my heart doesnt want to end it. anyone else had or haveing this issue?

 

[Panda Bear]

I've had a longterm, very attached relationship with my T. The attachment has been a must, as we are repairing deep and loooong time attachment issues. It is his way of practicing, in general.

He has cried a few times

He has shared some of his story, how and what pushed him into his line of work

Talks a tad about his wife(when it's relevant)

Some bits about his kids/family life

He practices from a faith perspective, we are both deeply routed in Christ and he prays at the end of our sessions.

He does text, and this week was awful....we texted a lot.

He voices openly concern for me and his need to provide protection(because I lack protective figures in my life)

He does say that liberties happen with me than aren't often done with other patients. BUT, it's done in a specific way. Hard to explain.

Talks about his training to better help me and other patients. That my case brought him to a point where he changed his career focus. I "touch him deeply" "your strength amazes me" "you're much stronger than I"

That I've openly frustrated him, he has had to seek help from his consultation group. I've made him cry out of lack of understanding as how to help me best.

The list goes on....tons of stuff he does, most Ts won't. I can't possibly list them all.

NOW THE DISCLAIMER-MY WORK ISNT FOR EVERYONE:
If he had done all these things and more, within the first year....two and a half, I would have run so fast! No way, no how. It's been a very safe, gradual process. Your T seems to be moving way to fast! Seriously, in a year, if T had done what you say? I'd freak. All the things listed above took 4+ cumulative years I'd trust and moderation. I open...he opens...I meet him...he meets me back.

But if you feel alright? And no alarming bells are going off? And not just the usual attachment freak out? Then stay and see, but seems to me at such an early point in the relationship....she could cross.

 

[rosey]

Thank you for such an open and honest reply it is very useful.
I saw this therapist for 3 years then had a break of a year the attachment was obvious from very early on. I am very confused by it to be honest. She doesnt like me txting her outside of sessions which is fine but she txt me. I replied that i was not sure continuing therapy with her was a good idea but after a sleep on it realised if we are talking about the boundaries then it is fine and we can find ways to deal with it. She is now taking a few days to think if she is wanting to continue as my therapist so stressing me out now waiting for a response. I really hate it i feel like i want her in my life but at the same time not sure if she is right for me. Wish i could make up my mind

 

[Suzetig]

Some of those things can be fine in therapy, the main thing I guess is whether she has independent supervision to help her make sure she works with you appropriate it, eg that she isn't sling things that foster dependence on her, she isn't sharing her own stuff in a way that makes you want to look after her instead of using therapy as you choose.

If you're feeling unclear about whether things in therapy are ok or not talk to her about what supports she has to keep your therapy safe - she should have a number of safeguards in place.

 

[rosey]

Thanks for that. She does have supervision.

You have hit the nail on the head about looking after her. I hate seeing her look worried. I am desperate to talk to her about my trauma but i dont want her to be concerned for me. She is lovely and i know she can handle it i just dont want to give her any reason to think i am not ok.

 

[Sideways]

For me personally? This wouldn't work. I had a T that was v open with me about his life, and LOTS of txts and emails between sessions. It took 4-5 years but eventually he backed out. I'd be concerned if I came across that lack of boundaries again.

Re the emotional stuff in particular, like having your T start to cry - I think it's a balancing act. On the one hand, I want my T to show empathy, be human, and help me see that what happened to me was awful (ie I want a T, not a robot).

At the same time, I'm sitting there working overtime taking care of myself, so I actually don't want to start worrying about whether my T is coping. And if my T bursts into tears when I start talking about something, that's gonna make it really hard for me to talk to them about stuff that's even worse, yeah?

I think it's great that you're looking at this objectively, and I hope it works out. While I ordinarily advocate for the "talk to your T about this" approach, I think your T has to be responsible for their own self-care to a big extent. If you raise it as "this weighs on my mind", I can see that being helpful. But at the end of the day, I think that it's a pretty personal assessment that the T has to make (with each of their clients) about whether they can manage and whether they have adequate supports.

Unfortunately, I think it's also an evolving concept: while your T might consider themself well-placed to manage right now, their personal situation changes over time, which could alter their coping 2 years from now (eg T's son gets arrested for rape in 3 years time? Might alter what the T can manage professionally...for example).

Not an easy area to navigate at all:confused:

 

[rosey]

For me personally? This wouldn't work. I had a T that was v open with me about his life, and L...

Thanks

You are so right about it being difficult to talk about tougher stuff. That is exactly where i am at holding back on the really horrible things that i need to off load.

Think a change of therapist is going to be the best thing as much as it pains me to not have her in my life.

 

[Sideways]

Think a change of therapist is going to be the best thing

This is one of those things where just because our head knows this is what we need, doesn't make it any easier to make that sort of change. Loads of people here have been through chsnging T's, so reach out here whenever you need to. This place was my lifeline last time I changed T's.

 

[rosey]

Update.

Had some contact with my therapist today and concluded that boundaries are too blurred. Feeling really sad as will miss her again but know it is the right thing to do. Horrible as now without a therapist (all though have some things lined up) at a time when i really feel like talking.

Sometimes the right things hurts so much hey

 

[Abstract]

You are very brave and wise. This is a great learning experience even though horribly painful,

 

[orangeweezel]

Update.

Had some contact with my therapist today and concluded that boundaries are too blurred. Feeling...

As a T myself, I am really impressed with your decision, which sounded terribly hard to make. As T's, many of us DEEPLY care about our clients, but when it comes to you worrying about her instead of being able to work through what you need to, that's when it gets dangerous. Ethically, she should give you referrals to another T, and if she doesn't, I hope you'll look soon. With your permission, she can give some information to your new T and you can be very upfront about your need for care and boundaries. Again, such a strong decision. I wish you the best!

 

[rosey]

As a T myself, I am really impressed with your decision, which sounded terribly hard to make. As T...

Thank you for such lovely words. She would have given me referralls but she knows i have other people i can contact. I am still in contact with her as she is helping my daughter out with a project and helped me book a holiday where her son works (hence blurred boundaries again)

I am start therapy next week with someone that i have already spoken to about healthly boundaries and i wanted to go in a fresh rather than her have back ground as it will do me good to have to say it rather than hide behind someone else.

Thank you again for the support it really helped