Relationship Please Help If Good In Deep Waters

[EveHarrington]

She will withdraw into isolation and selects who stays and when they can stay. She definitely has PTSD...

You totally and completely missed the point of what I'm trying to say. You interpreted it as me saying she doesn't have PTSD. That is not what I meant. Running around and leading a double life is not PTSD, nor will it ever be. It kinda makes me sick to think that this level of deceit is being blamed on PTSD. I think you might want her symptoms to be PTSD because PTSD is an "acceptable" disorder where BPD is not-------in the perception of many. Even people here who have horrendous trauma stories don't go around making new secret lives. Again, not PTSD, not in the least. I think the sooner you stop making excuses for her and trying to explain things so that it makes you feel good, the better. Painting a false picture of what you're dealing with won't help anyone. You're trying to be her savior and it's baffling why, given all of the stuff she's done to you. I understand that you need to co-parent, but this is about way more than co-parenting. Healing from a mental disorder like PTSD and ESPECIALLY BPD requires people with strong boundaries. I am not seeing this quality in you so I think it's advisable to work on setting boundaries and enforcing them.

 

[DLM_009]

You totally and completely missed the point of what I'm trying to say. You interpreted it as me s...

So you're saying these scenarios sound more like BPD?
I was just clarifying that there's isolation.
So I'm a doormat?

I'm trying to paint and honest picture, I am not saying anything is anything, I don't know and don't pretend to...I'm exploring and asking alot of questions and sharing what I've found to try to get some answers probably yes to feel better, I thought that's what this place is for...

How would you recommend I work on setting boundaries and enforcing them? Do you have and tools or ideas on how to do this? I've tried to do this before but I don't know what to do exactly. Thank you.

 

[DLM_009]

Unfortunately I am very creative person and have an ability to open my mind for discovery. And I don't really put a limit on it or apologize for it, maybe I should.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's a common supporter trap... Excusing a lot of behaviors because of PTSD (or what have you). It ends horribly every single time. Excusing crap behaviors enables crap behaviors. You'll eventually reinforce the idea that it is perfectly fine to cheat, lie, lash out, or what have you because you tolerate it and accept it as "part of her condition."

It's not part of her condition. She may have, say, issues with intimacy... That doesn't force her to sleep with other men. SHE made the decision to act on how she was feeling. I wouldn't care if my sufferer had PTSD, a brain tumor, and a penetrating TBI straight in his self control center... Cheating is unacceptable.

Setting boundaries isn't about making people do or not do anything. It is stating your personal limit and then enforcing it. For example, it's not "you can't cheat!" It's "if she cheats I will leave." Then you communicate that boundary to her. It's not up for negotiation because that is YOUR limit. Then if she chooses to cheat, you leave. Point blank. Or "I will not tolerate being called names"... Then you leave the conversation if name calling starts, every time. No histrionics needed, just a calm "that is not acceptable for me."

 

[joeylittle]

How would you recommend I work on setting boundaries and enforcing them? Do you have and tools or ideas on how to do this? I've tried to do this before but I don't know what to do exactly. Thank you.

I'm not the poster you responded to, but just sharing my thoughts.

Decide what you are willing to live with. But personally, were I in your shoes, I would not be comfortable with the polyamory, and I would insist on my partner getting into therapy, ASAP.

She sounds like she is actively involved in the very intense relational push-pull that is considered 'typical' of borderline personality disorder. Personality disorders are often the result of traumatic/affecting experiences in childhood, but they are manifest by a set of behaviors. The only way to address a personality disorder is through a form of cognitive therapy - CBT, DBT, or ACT.

You can't do anything about the stuff she needs to work on. It's her stuff. And you can't take on the job of getting her to alter her behavior. All you can do is say what parameters are going to be OK by you.

As far as PTSD goes - she needs to be getting therapy, somehow.

It sounds like you've done a great deal of reflecting on your own role in the dysfunctions in the relationship, and that is to be commended. But you are starting to tip over into compensating for her mental illness. Supporting is one thing, compensating is another. For example - you don't need to take responsibility for being the person who never 'abandons' her, because she has issues with abandonment. By that token, you could never, ever leave. That's not reasonable. She needs to do work to understand that everyone isn't going to abandon her. And it's very supportive of you to be willing to endure some storms that go with that, but it's counterproductive for you to try and be The Person Who Never Leaves.

I don't know if that makes sense - but that's what I'm thinking as I read your posts.

 

[DLM_009]

It's a common supporter trap... Excusing a lot of behaviors because of PTSD (or what have you). It e...

I'm pickin' up what what you're putting down. Thank you for the direction.

 

[DLM_009]

I'm not the poster you responded to, but just sharing my thoughts.

Decide what you are willing to l...

When I asked her if she was still in therapy she said yeah "with the doctor she doesn't like", and it's gone from once a week to once every other week. Based on what I've experienced I question if that's enough.

I'm on a journey and understand that a relationships are a two way thing. I have taken a lot of what I've learned in therapy to heart and examine "what I bring to the table" because that's all we can control at the end of the day. Am I perfect absolutely not. She did mention that I did and do sometimes trigger her. She told me you don't know what the triggers are until they are triggered, but gave no further details.

This is most difficult for me because I know we could probably find other people to be with and be happy and live a good life, I also believe we could achieve that together and be a strong unit for our daughter. I feel our daughter pays the non-financial price in a separation. I'm starting to see some of my thinking is a bit unreasonable and doesn't have any limits. I'm going to work on that. Again, tough because I cannot leave, I still have to see her and speak with her on a regular basis and I don't think women understand what a legal separation is like for most men, especially when the man's the one who wants the family and to be an active father.

Been a long year, but it's making me a better person. I'll work on establishing some solid boundaries with her. Thank you.