Reflections On Being Small

[Thizette]

I'm a pretty small person. I'm 5'2" with small shoulders, feet, and apparently, small fingers. It's hard sometimes to to take up space, and harder still to accept the vulnerability inherent in being small. I feel like I have to take up space so people won't walk on me. The whole, "dynamite comes in small packages" demeanor, you know? It's exhausting to feel a constant need to assert myself and appear bigger than I look. My size has always been a source of vulnerability to me, and I'm so aware of it in threatening/triggering situations, during arguments, or any time I deal with men. And I know that small can be strong and small can defend itself, but I also know that I'm generally outweighed and outmuscled by those around me. I try not to act small.

But sometimes I'm reminded that it's ok to be small and vulnerable. Yesterday my partner proposed while we were hiking. Sitting on a rock in the middle of nowhere he opened up his hand and there was a tiny silver band in the middle of his palm. So tiny! I have a lot of rings that I've bought for myself and I'm well aware of my ring size, but I've never been aware that it's so small. My ring fits completely inside of his. I am a small person, and he is a safe person. Seeing this visual representation of our comparative sizes got me all teary because it reminded me how safe I feel being vulnerable with him. Something I haven't consciously thought about in a while. And I'm happy for the reminder because it gives me the opportunity to consciously appreciate it.

It's hard sometimes, and I'm triggered sometimes, and I'm frustrating sometimes, and he's frustrating sometimes, but it works because he's a safe person and I can just be small around him. I feel deeply contented.

I want to open it up to anyone interested in sharing about vulnerability, safe people/spaces, or when and how you feel comfortable being and accepting yourself. How do you express gratitude for the safe people in your life? What helps you be comfortable in your own skin?

 

[7Cs]

This is lovely.

I'm small too - 4'11" - and have been through a lot that should make me feel small and vulnerable. But instead I had to put on a tough, hard, controlling exterior. It's very hard to shed that. It's hard for me to feel small and vulnerable, even with my hubby who is definitely me safety, unless I'm in a PTSD melt down.

I'm happy for you. Congratulations on your engagement!!!

 

[Thizette]

@7Cs , thank you. What you said about a tough exterior resonates with me. I call it my shell. When the man and I have a rough patch I tell him I can feel the shell forming. I've often had to make use of my shell in various jobs, too. It's like a whole different personality, except without the dissociative identity disorder. I'm pretty aware of it at this point in my life.

 

[Ronin]

Congratulations on your engagement & having a loving and understanding partner seeing your strengths.

I try to go for small & persuasive. Also not getting thrown out of places ('What's that child doing here?') even though it can be rather useful in other settings. All around I try to not look for where I just won't reach... but how to be sneaky enough & use the holes to get where I need to get by other routes. Both physically, and in a life path.

 

[Thizette]

but how to be sneaky enough & use the holes to get where I need to get by other routes.

Loopholes and technicalities are awesome, aren't they? Small can be a thorn in someone's ass, too!

 

[Ronin]

Small can be a thorn in someone's ass, too!

And the larger & taller the person, the more difficult it may be to reach the thorn. :sneaky:

 

[City Slicker]

This was a really nice post to read. I enjoy reading about others finding safety and being able to be who they are and be safe and vulnerable and have it all be ...perfect. Congratulations - the word sounds so inadequate for what you expressed.

(I am fairly tall and have also lived a lot of past life trying not to attract attention to myself, avoiding looking too threatening, hunching to make myself look smaller than I am, tying not to be too loud or carry too heavy things etc) Very similar feelings as you described only opposite issue!!)

 

[Thizette]

This was a really nice post to read. I enjoy reading about others finding safety and being able to...

That's interesting and it's a perspective I hadn't thought of. Being physically small has made it pretty easy for me to "disappear" quietly when things aren't going well. Thank you for sharing!

 

[aut555]

Yes, l can relate. I am a petite frame stuck on tall legs making me feel like Ripley's Believe it or not oddity. I have a god tiny small waist and must be cautious in how l dress. So l deal with men who just stare at me. And l am extremely older which makes it even more hilarious. I have been body shamed more then once and in different states in US. Because l am tiny, l was considered frail, but l changed all that by power lifting. That has given me discipline and sense of pride. Yes, l have been sexually harassed my entire life. Oops, hope this didn't trigger anybody.