Childhood Investigation Process For Csa?

[Holdingontohope]

Not sure if this is the right section for this...

My 7 year old daughter just told me this weekend that my 3 and 4 year old daughters were sexually abused by their cousin (he is 8) on several occasions when they were over at his house. She said he would bribe them or force them to do things by hitting them or threatening them. The things she said he did were definetly not normal child exploration, they were adult sexual acts. I called and reported what my daughter said to the child protection services hotline. I am not sure what will happen now though. I am worried for my girls and concerned for my nephew too (where did he learn these things?) Will there be an investigation? What will happen? How can I best support my girls through this? What should my next step be? I told the girls that what happened was wrong, that it wasn't their fault, that I still loved them, and that they did the right thing by telling me. What else can I do to help them?

Also, I was sexually abused as a child myself so this is very triggering for me. I feel like I am going to fall apart but I know I can't because I have to be there for my girls. My husband was upset with me for reporting it. He said that I was making it into a big deal and that now my family will hate me for reporting my nephew. He also said if I hadn't taken my kids over there and had been a good mom and had just watched them myself then it wouldn't have happened. I feel so horrible right now. My mind keeps thinking that maybe he is right, maybe it is my fault. I never wanted anything like this to happen to my girls. My worst nightmare has come true. What do I do?

 

[Anarchy]

I think you were right

It is absolutely understandable that this is hugely triggering for you. It;'s the sort of thing that can be expected to take you right back to your own trauma and the feelings of helplessness of being so young and put in that position.

Please, remind yourself that you are an adult, and that you have done the best that you can in a highly imperfect world. It is so easy to fall into the hole of feeling small and helpless and right back in our own trauma, when something like this that resonates with our own trauma comes along.

I'm not going to condemn your partner. People who had childhoods that were "good enough" have never visited the universe that we inhabit, and you wouldn't wish our universe on your worst enemy. It is not that he doesn't get it, he probably has no way to imagine it, and he is blessed with that fortuitous ignorance.

Speaking for myself (i'm cis male), my own early sexual experiences were not (as far as I can tell) traumatic. but such things vary so much between individuals. I have female friends who experienced the same as I did, and who were really emotionally hurt and felt huge sh@me by their experience, even though they weren't physically hurt. some others were physically hurt (very badly hurt) as well.

speaking personally, others might come in with other views, and I'm not claiming to be right about this.

personally, I would be very careful to reassure the children to avoid shaming or making too much of what they've experienced. what happened was wrong, but it doesn't make them wrong, dirty, naughty, bad, shameful, abnormal, un loveable... they are good girls and have done the right thing...

@

 

[sarahx]

You did the right thing.

About your partner though --
He (and/or) both of you might need to speak to a professional so he can understand how serious the situation is. At the very least he could read a book on the issue. Shaming/blaming you for protecting children is not okay, and it it's doubly not okay for him to respond this way since you yourself are a sexual abuse survivor.

 

[EveHarrington]

Divorce your husband.

Maybe this sounds harsh but I'm half way being serious. He didn't want you to report? So what if your family hates you? Your priority is your children, not extended family. Chances are the cousin may have been sexually abused if it's way beyond curiosity (not saying curiosity makes it ok, rather there is a difference between normal childhood curiosity and reenacting abuse). You may be saving the cousin from a ruined life if he can get intervention and help now. Remember------you ARE helping all kids involved, even the cousin.

Sexual abuse IS a big deal. It can be worse as a kid because childhood experiences shape who we are for the rest of our lives.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My husband was upset with me for reporting it. He said that I was making it into a big deal and that now my family will hate me for reporting my nephew. He also said if I hadn't taken my kids over there and had been a good mom and had just watched them myself then it wouldn't have happened.

First off, your husband needs to be educated. He is likely ignorant of the subject (not educated on the subject in which he is addressing) and needs heavy education!

Child-on-child sexual abuse - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Consequently, children who initiate or solicit overtly sexual acts with other children most often have been sexually victimized by an adult beforehand,[4][5][7] or by another child who was in turn abused by an adult.[8][9] More than half have been victimized by two or more perpetrators.[6] In some instances, the perpetrating child was exposed to pornography or repeatedly witnessed sexual activity of adults at a very young age, and this can also be considered a form of child sexual abuse.[7]

I think you did an amazing thing that by in turn is saving your 8 yr old nephew from likley abuse and/or major sexual exposure.

I think divorcing your husband is a bit extreme. He needs to be educated as a lot of men dont realize that child on child sex is not always "playing doctor" or ok.

ETA: Most investigations Ive seen lean more toward where the 8 yr old learn this. And if he was abused and investigating that.

Your 7 year old may need a bit of therapy. Shes old enough to be affected more.

The younger ones also may need a little bit of therapy but they are young. Id call a child therapist, explain what happened in a session and see if the therapist thinks a meeting with them would be a needed step.

Most certianly keep an eye on all.

And breath! You did an amazing thing! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Not extreme. I mean silencing children and dismissing their abuse?

How many of us on the forum had dismissive parents who acted like the sex abuse was nothing? What if the husband doesn't care to be educated? I think it's funny that the same people who had parents who turned a blind eye to their abuse are now the ones saying that it's not that bad to dismiss a child's abuse. Whaaaaaaaa???????

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your daughters.

There's not a doubt in my mind that you did the right thing. Have a look round the forum and you see the consequences of things being "handled in the family". It's important aswell as you said how did your nephew know about these things is he being abused? It's also very important that your daughters can speak openly about what's happened if they feel like they want to.

I agree that your husband needs to be educated. As terrible as he behaved it's not uncommon in these situations for people who find out these things to want to cover it up and pretend everything's ok. It's not ok it needs to be delt with properly he obviously doesn't know how so if he's willing to learn that then it will go a long way in the family healing from this.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you for your replies. I like the idea of going to talk to a professional with my husband. Maybe hearing from someone else will help him understand that this is a big deal an needs to be dealt with. Maybe it will help educate him, if he is willing to learn. I know how much it hurt me knowing that my family didn't care what happened to me as a child and I do not want my daughters to feel that way. I will do my best to support them in any way I can.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know how much it hurt me knowing that my family didn't care what happened to me as a child and I do not want my daughters to feel that way.

A lot of people don't understand that child on child sex is not always experimentation or "playing doctor" so that may be the issue. Just being ignorant (not educated) on the subject so Id educate the family members. Most especially the parents of your nephew as he is likely a victim of child sexual abuse and/or massive sexual exposure so they, specifically, need to get that.

Dont worry about what others say. This isnt normal and there massive information out there about it. Just googling child on child sexual abuse will give you a lot of resources.

You did the right thing and talking to a child psychologist about your girls would be the right next step.

 

[rosey]

you did completely the right thing. I dont know how things work there but it is now infact illegal over here to hold such information and not report it.

it would be so damaging to your relationship with your children to take the information and not act on it. you are a great mum for putting your children first. I am sure may of us on this forum would not be where we are today of only we had had the support that you are offering your children.

Do not buy in too any opinions about the boy only being 8. I was raped by an 11 year old when I was 6. age does not make a situation right.

stay strong for your little ones and remember to take care of yourself.