Cptsd And Marriage

[Gaining-clarity]

My heart is sinking. I wish I wasn't the way I am.

I was triggered just over a month ago and was overcome by an emotional flashback that I'm just settling down from now. It's been hard on my husband.

When this happens, a little girl takes over, and I'm not really in the marriage anymore. It's like it's inappropriate for me to be married. I'm to young, and need a father, not a husband. The marriage then becomes a trigger, and I don't know how to be a wife. I don't know how to view my husband. Children don't look after their parents needs. It's the other way around. This is what my marriage becomes when I'm triggered. I want my husband to not have any needs. I'm talking about the simple things like just relating as a husband and a wife.

I don't know how not to do this.

My husband gives me space. He's always very respectful. And I've been going about life as an emotional child for the last month thinking everything was fine, because my husband was supportive, and I was given the space to be an emotional child.

But now I'm calming a little. And I'm getting my eyes back. I can see my husband as my husband, and I see that this is really hard on him.

I'm overwhelmed because I can barely attend to my own needs, and I'm exhausted from the month long flashback, and I see that my husband has needs, too. Now I have to bridge the gap that I was so grateful for.

I almost feel resentful for having to do this. That's so bad. It seems I have such high needs. When I'm ready to come back, I just want everything to be normal, but now my husband is hurting.

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, are you looking for feedback, do you have a question? As it reads now it seems more like a diary post. Thanks.

 

[aut555]

If this takes a month (flashback) should you think about counseling? If your husband took a month off, what would you do? It's seems that some positive help will keep you moving forward in your ptsd, your marriage, your life.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

I'm in counseling.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Hi, are you looking for feedback, do you have a question? As it reads now it seems more like a diary post. Thanks.

I guess I'm looking for support. My question would be, "am I alone in this?"

 

[aut555]

We are hear to listen, to support, to spread compassion. This may take sometime to resolve. My recovery has been two years. I had one good friend but l was pretty much on my own. Left an abusive husband. Your goal is to become healthily and happy. This may involve a lot of you and some setbacks, but healing does start and then you start to slowly move forward. It seems your husband truly wants to see you moving forward and begin the healing journey. It's ok, you are on the path to recovery. This is the most important thing right now.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

Thank you aut555.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Has your therapist taught you grounding skills????? Grounding skills bring you back into the here and now. I would strongly suggest that you learn how to bring yourself out of this... It seems to me that it could be used as an unhealthy coping skill. You become the young child, because it's just too hard to face everything.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

It's not a coping skill. It interferes with and overrides every coping skill that I have. I watch my perspective shift from who I normally am to someone else, yet I cannot stop it from happening.

What you just said, She Cat, is like telling a war vet that they are using their flashback as a coping skill. I feel hurt by what you said. It's not a coping skill. It's a response to trauma that is beyond the ability of a human being to process. And it interferes without my consent.

I found a helpful website last night for people who support ptsd sufferers. I relate to point five on that site:

#5 – We cannot help how we behave.Since we are operating on a sort of autopilot we are not always in control. PTSD is an exaggerated state of survival mode. We experience emotions that frighten and overwhelm us. We act out accordingly in defense of those feelings we cannot control.

Be patient with us; we often cannot stop the anger, tears or other disruptive behaviors that are so difficult for you to endure.

They aren't saying that it's okay and that it shouldn't be healed, but that it is a very difficult thing. If it could be controlled, I don't think anyone would allow it to interfere with their lives. I relate to this.

I live in the middle of nowhere Canada. It takes me 2 hours drive to the nearest resource, and then what's available is limited. I've started to see a counselor at a sexual assault center. I've had one visit. So I'm just starting. I've just realized that what I'm going through is cptsd. And I don't know how equipped this place is to help me with that. And I'm just beginning to see myself a little more objectively.

I don't know, but I suspect that being free from cptsd is not about controlling it, but learning the healthy development that was interfered with. It's about healing from trauma, and it's not a choice that I can just say it's inappropriate and learn a coping skill and stop doing it.

I was raped and tormented as a child by a sadistic person who was supposed to be taking care of me. There was violence not only physically, but mental torture. The emotions of how I responded to that is not a coping skill. What I feel when I'm having an emotional flashback is not a coping skill. The fact that I dissociated was not a coping skill. I know some will disagree with that, but I don't see it as a coping skill but an involuntary response to overwhelming trauma. It was autonomic. I was to young to have coping skills.

I do dissociate now when this happens. But it is far from a coping skill. I watch myself do it without the ability to stop it. It is against my desire.

Maybe I will learn some new things with this counselor. That would be great. I'm hopeful. In the mean time, this is my experience. And I'm thankful for my husband who loves me, and it hurts me to know that this is hard on him. And it hurts me to be aware of my own complicated feelings about all of this.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Gaining-clarity I'm sorry that you felt hurt by what I said. Sometimes things that other people say/suggest can upset us. It's part of the healing process. If you are wondering why I said it.. I'll explain. I have been diagnosed with severe C-PTSD also from abuse, molestation, raped by a family member and gang raped by a bunch of elite college students when I was 15 or 16. I've been dealing with PTSD since I was about 10 yrs old, but only diagnosed at 41. I'll be 63 next week.

Ok, so I have had 9 suicide attempts in my life, 3 were extremely serious. I've been told by 2 therapist that I USE suicide as a coping skill... So when I suggested that you might be using it as an unhealthy coping skill, it wasn't to piss you off, or to upset you. I was serious. Sometimes we do things and we don't know why until someone points it out to us. I will say this... You do need grounding skills to bring you back into the here and now. These will help you to pull yourself out of slipping into the young child.

 

[Deleted member 541]

And as far as #5 is concerned. We learn COPING skills that help us control how we act!!!!

 

[aut555]

We are here because of trama in our life. Gaining-clarity, you have an excellent grasp of a lot of issues you dealt with. You are survivor and each day you get a little better. You take the pain, identify it and not bury it. I had so many times asked why me, but coming here helps me understand there are cruel people who take advantage of the young, the old, etc. It's how we deal with it that will set us free. But l was wrapped up in the numbness for some time. There is no magical number of days or hours that will tell you when you will be free of this. Just hard work ahead. Finally l started to love myself, and l have decided to embrace the less then perfect side of me. The side that feels small, unloved, out of control with emotions. She is part of me too. She deserves love and acceptance so that she may reintegrate with the healthy part of my psyche. Do you understand that you are joining together the child in you that had to cope and bring her out, give her acknowledgment and understanding and forgiveness for feeling what she feels. Then you can move forward.