Relationship Broaching Difficult Subjects With Sufferer?

[Hojay]

@Bloomy

Oh my, sure you're not my boyfriend disguising as a lady? :) I'm kidding, but this is pretty much exactly what I've heard from him too. The shame, the nobody will love me anyway, the distrust. It's a lack of self love he is slowly starting to 1. acknowledge and 2. break through with therapy. Something just clicked with him and he was done with that kind of reasoning, says he understands that he's the only one nowadays continuing that awful narrative. It's been hard on him, and he has setbacks (most notably when triggered through conversations with me,) but it's been getting better. He has a vision of a future now that he never thought possible - I guess that's what makes him so fragile when pressed on these tricky subjects. That, or he's still doing it and lying to me...hence my conundrum here...

 

[Silver.]

Sometimes, you need to do something that might be considered "petty", to keep back to a road of trusting.
No, you don't need to dig through all his texts and emails. But if you guys have been doing well, and then something happens, like the app situation, considering there is a problem with trust, I don't see the harm in saying that you need more reassurance. Can you be a person that just looks to make sure the app is gone, and then is able to move on, with trust? You are right, it can be a very slippery slope. I personally don't see the harm in asking to see that the app is indeed gone. As long as that is the end of it, you see the app is gone, then you start to rebuild the trust, not needing to check up on all his activity.

 

[Hojay]

Sometimes, you need to do something that might be considered "petty", to keep back to a road of trustin...

Hm, that's an interesting suggestion @Silver. It would definitely help me just feel at ease and rebuild trust. I'd definitely be able to start letting these suspicions go if he patiently went along with that. I do worry though if this wouldn't keep him hostage in the "I'm so shitty and not to be trusted" mentality, but I think I may give this some thought and perhaps suggest it to him. thank you for your valuable input!

 

[scout86]

You said he's in therapy. How's that going? I guess, to me, this seems like a pretty big relationship issue and it's something that has to be worked out. Maybe it would be best addressed with someone else there. Like his therapist. Someone who KNOWS what the real story is (at least I'd like to think his T has formed a fairly accurate idea of what's going on). His T is likely to know when he's lying and trying to trick you and when he's not. You don't need to know the details of his past, you need to come up with a plan that works for both of you going forward. You need some transparency, so you know you can trust each other. (Trust is probably going to be hard to build, under the circumstances.)

Anyway, I guess my suggestion it to do a few joint therapy sessions where the effect his past, and his responses to it, effect the relationship. I think you guys need to talk about it, but I think it would be better to have some help.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you @scout86. I agree it's a big relationship issue, hard to resolve even without the added problems that come with his PTSD. Unfortunately, we have to do long distance at the moment for work, and it'll be hard to arrange for joint therapy. I agree it's the only way at this point. His therapy is going well and, with some ups and downs, we are getting closer to be able to speak about sticky subjects, but we're not there.

I wonder, can other supporters relate to the feeling that there are aspects of the sufferer's past that they do not want to share, but could seriously impact the relationship? He threw me a crumb of having this vague problem with women and sex and all that jazz. My imagination can run wild, sex addict? Serial cheater? Porn addict? Of course nobody can tell me if anything like that is actually going on. But how do you deal with these "blank spots" in your partners life while respecting their boundaries regarding their triggers and trauma?

 

[scout86]

There are definitely aspects of my past I don't want to share with a 'significant other'. There are some things I HAVE to share, at some point, but there are details no one needs to know and they only THINK they want to know. I think you need to share enough to make a relationship work, but there's a lot that's not relevant to that.

Thinking about how well my 'relationships' usually go, maybe the rest of the world sees that differently.

 

[Hojay]

That makes a lot of sense to me, of course. I do not expect to know all the details. However much he wants to share is up to him. My issues lies more with things that he would HAVE to share for a relationship to work - and I count in all those things that would seriously alter the relationship we have. To use an example, if I were a recovering sex addict before we got together, I'd have to share that with him in full disclosure. I think it's just fair to let people know what they're getting into and let them make their own informed decision. On the other hand, all reasons why, my triggers and traumas that led me to that addiction, are another matter and I wouldn't want to share that either necessarily (I'm not a sex addict, just an abstract example :) It's a tricky boundary for sure, but even trickier when the whole blanket subject of sex and honesty is a trigger. Ugh...

 

[Tinyflame]

I think 'trigger' is a word thrown around too easily sometimes. JMHO. :notworthy:

Like @scout86 , (& perhaps like or unlike @scout86 ), I have a terrible terrible fear of sharing, & the consequences of it, & within relationship also wondering how I'll be seen too,, etc.

But also, being triggered isn't license to treat anyone poorly or dishonestly. Although reactions can be awful, or terrifying. The trouble with true triggers are like they are an index card or bookmark straight back to the trauma(s) directly. Not reminders, more like flash cards? or the feelings with nightmares, etc. Hope that makes sense!

I think, when the day is done, you have to choose to trust, & act trust-worthily, or not (for both people). And then communication should follow.

Best wishes to you.

 

[scout86]

the whole blanket subject of sex and honesty is a trigger

There's another side to that, at least in my experience. Stuff can be 'a trigger' but what's 'safe' to me, is knowing where things stand. I think you gave a good example there. I have a good friend who maybe IS a 'sex addict'. He's got a history that suggests trauma too. One of the reasons we're friends is that we get each other without talking about a lot of stuff. Another reason is we have an unspoken agreement about NOT talking about a lot of stuff. I think I'm the only female friend he's ever had that he hasn't had sex with. (Hasn't been easy because there's a real attraction there.) The last time I turned him down I told him "You are engaged to a wonderful person that I like and I know you love. You can screw that up if you want to, but I'M not going to help you do it." They got married. They've been together several years. She knows what he's like. He knows she won't tolerate some stuff he's done in the past. I hope things work, because they are both great people. He knows I'm REALLY his friend, because he doesn't have to do anything to pay for the friendship. (Because, weird as it may sound, for him, a lot of sex is about kind of bribing people to like him.)

 

[Tinyflame]

Exactly @scout86 . You shouldn't have to pay, & you shouldn't have to live in fear of your body or heart's treatment by another.

 

[Bloomy]

Nope Im not your boyfrriend disguised as a lady :geek:
I just want to adress the lying thing sorry I dont think we are really lying. Its just that we are not able to be responsible for our behaviour and when it goes all wrong we are to ashamed of our shitty selves so therefor. Its very complex as Ive said earlier.
There are people who lies for sure. My family among others are grand liers and manipulators. They do it on purpose. But when its cause you know you are wrong and want to do better and dont know how and have no one to talk to I think you simply try as best as you can with the tools youve been given for how to behave. Not until some one else tells you that there are choises you can become aware of those.
Had one boyfriend I cheated on more or less all the time for the 2 - 3 years it lastet. Him being suspicious and sneaking in my stuf and diferent things like this made me act even worser. Ie more cheating, more "lies" and so forth. I had a gut feeling of him not being so sincere as he proclaimed to be ( I know now I was right) .Then again I had a boyfriend who didnt push me to much. I think actually I didnt cheat on him for 2 years :wideeyed: If I did cheat (cant remember) it wasnt so much as Id usually do. I was safe with him. He took care of me. I could trust him.

 

[Hojay]

@Junebug, I understand what you mean by how the word "trigger" is thrown around too lightly. In all honesty, I don't know what actually "triggers" his panic attacks and flashbacks in these moments. It could be a word I say, an expression on my face, the mere fact that someone is trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do (like talk about lying and cheating), which all throws him back to the original trauma and/or situations he re-traumatized himself with subsequently. Only thing I know is that his flashbacks and panic attacks are real and the fact that they are centered around issues that are quite important is a real problem.

@scout86 Interesting anecdote about your maybe-sex addict friend. I think the important part in the story you mention is the fact that his now-wife knows about his behavior. I don't know how well they would have fared had he only alluded to some "issues" and then flew off the handle every time she asked for clarification. It's quite an impossible situation to be in as a supporter. As it stands now, it makes me worried that I'm going through all this without truly knowing what I'm getting into in terms of his behavior.