Difficulties in relationship - Spousal Rape

LucyLou

Learning
I'm having some issues in my current relationship. we've been together for 9 and half years, we have 3 children together. When we first got together, things were good. It all moved quickly, we moved in together, and I was pregnant 6 months into the relationship, but as I said, we were good. I don't even know when it started but he pesters for sex, I've woken to him trying it on and he won't give up until I just give in and let him get on with it or woken to find him pretty much inside me anyway. He r*ped me March 2022. Sexual assault/attempted r*pe in July 2022 and r*pe in August 2023. I feel pressured sometimes. I feel strange, using the "R" word, when we've been together so long and obviously have had sex consensually before. I know the majority will wonder why I'm still with him, but he isn't a bad guy, I'm not scared of him. He's a great dad. no excuse, but it's only when he's had a drink. I'm trying to get passed all this but I'm finding it hard and what makes it even harder is that I have a history of childhood Sexual ab*se and and ex the r*ped me when I was 23. I'm currently in trauma therapy, but my partner has no idea because how do I tell him? how do I tell him I'm in therapy for sexual trauma when he has contributed?! I don't enjoy sex, at all! I will go along with it because I feel like I have to. I said no to him the other day, when I'd been out, he was sober, I wasn't and it was 5am, when I got in but because I said no, he started trying to make me feel bad and accused me of cheating. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to enjoy the intimate side of any relationship again and I don't know what to do with that. I'd speak to my therapist about all this but when I told her about the August r*pe, she referred it to children's services (children didn't see or hear anything, but they were in the house at the time, downstairs) Children's services have investigated and it's all been closed now, I just don't want to tell therapist all of this and she gets children's services involved again because I know there is absolutely no danger to the little ones.
 
First of all, brave of you to face it. No easy task.

Second, glad you have a therapist to help guide you through this.

You are not alone! Many of us on here understand your predicament and have been at are in a similar place.

how do I tell him I'm in therapy for sexual trauma when he has contributed
You don’t have to tell him. You can tell him you are facing the csa and sexual assaults from the past and that you need space to process it. This will likely confuse and irritate him, but it’s a step toward reclaiming your space.

Blessings and courage to you!
 
I don't have much else to say except for that you are always allowed to say no. If he feels there are times that you shouldn't be allowed to say no, then that's an entire issue unto itself.

That's amazing that you're in therapy already and able to face this.

I feel strange using the "R" word also, even though in my case I was a child and he was an adult in his 40s. But I agree that that is what you experience. If you are pestered over and over and over again until you are unable to get out of it, then CAN you consent?

Hugs to you. I do not have children, but really wish I could give you advice on this. I would talk to the therapist about whether it's "safe" to talk to her about certain topics, personally, though I do not have experience in this regard
 
Spousal Rape -vs- Spousal PTSD? Is challenging. Full stop.

Were totally normal sexcapaides misconstrued, because trauma? Or was someone an asshole?

IDFK.
 
I'm having some issues in my current relationship. we've been together for 9 and half years, we have 3 children together. When we first got together, things were good. It all moved quickly, we moved in together, and I was pregnant 6 months into the relationship, but as I said, we were good. I don't even know when it started but he pesters for sex, I've woken to him trying it on and he won't give up until I just give in and let him get on with it or woken to find him pretty much inside me anyway. He r*ped me March 2022. Sexual assault/attempted r*pe in July 2022 and r*pe in August 2023. I feel pressured sometimes. I feel strange, using the "R" word, when we've been together so long and obviously have had sex consensually before. I know the majority will wonder why I'm still with him, but he isn't a bad guy, I'm not scared of him. He's a great dad. no excuse, but it's only when he's had a drink. I'm trying to get passed all this but I'm finding it hard and what makes it even harder is that I have a history of childhood Sexual ab*se and and ex the r*ped me when I was 23. I'm currently in trauma therapy, but my partner has no idea because how do I tell him? how do I tell him I'm in therapy for sexual trauma when he has contributed?! I don't enjoy sex, at all! I will go along with it because I feel like I have to. I said no to him the other day, when I'd been out, he was sober, I wasn't and it was 5am, when I got in but because I said no, he started trying to make me feel bad and accused me of cheating. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to enjoy the intimate side of any relationship again and I don't know what to do with that. I'd speak to my therapist about all this but when I told her about the August r*pe, she referred it to children's services (children didn't see or hear anything, but they were in the house at the time, downstairs) Children's services have investigated and it's all been closed now, I just don't want to tell therapist all of this and she gets children's services involved again because I know there is absolutely no danger to the little ones.




In reply to....Strange To Feel OK....





It does seem you are struggling inside and dealing with a lot of mixed emotions when comparing your current relationship with the previous one.

You question if you should feel OK (or perhaps the answer you look for is to be comfortable with yourself and who you are). However. You can't find peace within yourself because of all that's going on in your life.

Starting with your previous partner, it was his actions and the way he mis-treated you which eventually lead you to undergo some counselling/therapy.

The therapy is certainly taking an emotional toll (from what you are writing in many posts) and that may be due to all those deep feelings and emotions being brought to the surface.

Unfortunately, the results of all this therapy bringing everything to the surface (so to speak) is combining with the struggles of a cruel, yet more subtle approach to the infliction of abuse by your present partner.

There seems to be a lot of counselling/therapy going on but somehow the underlying issues you are trying to address are not being resolved. It's like some kind of vicious circle.

Your previous partner was more direct, aggressive and physical in the way he abused you and although you left that relationship behind, you moved on to someone who (no dis-respect) is actually very clever and manipulative.

Perhaps even to a point where he knows and understands the inner you much more than the therapist does.

His approach (compared to your previous partner) is somewhat more subtle and psychological. There's an element of of gentle sexual coercion that comes with an attitude of not really acknowledging how much he hurts you.

Maybe your partner genuinely believes he's not doing anything wrong....Or maybe he is just being very cruel and manipulative.

It seems from what you write about your present partner, he seems to be psychologically 'playing' with you for the sake of personal gratification. He enjoys what he does and very carefully, softly does it in a way that causes more hurt than the direct impact of physical abuse.

He quietly satisfies himself with watching your pain as he quietly, mentally abuses you and there's also the very gentle, manipulative way he forces himself upon you sexually - so as to give an impression that it is not rape.

To a certain degree, it could be said that what he does to you is a clever way to trick your mind (and anyone else's for that matter) into the genuine belief that what he does to you is not rape or sexual abuse.

It is only natural for any of us to associate physical violence and force with rape and sexual abuse because that's the image many of us believe - because that is the general view of the subject.

This is why you are writing on here and constantly asking the question(s)....Is he abusing me? Is this sexual coercion? Is it rape?....

This goes to show how seriously clever and manipulative your partner really is?

He needs some therapy himself to help understand his own issues....Yet for him....The problem could be he's way too clever and manipulative to a point he could convince the professionals there's nothing at all wrong and everything's fine at home with the children.

Deep underneath, you want to protect his feelings so as not to make him feel bad. He's able to manipulate your mind to a point where you genuinely believe you need to protect his feelings.

He's created this impression in your mind that it is you who is wrong and it is you who needs to ask the questions regarding any problems with the relationship and family.

This insulates him further and gives him that layer of protection so as to isolate himself from questions regarding his behaviour, yet at the same time, continue his carefully planned abuse towards you.

Perhaps having some understanding of this man, how and why he behaves this way could help towards making some plans for the future, one of those being able to get out of this abusive relationship and take the children with you.

Your partner perhaps can't face the true reality of what is inside himself, therefore he 'plays down' his behaviour towards you so as to protect himself and encourage you to feel the need to protect him as well.

It's like a form of double security he's made around himself for protection and self-preservation.

This brings on the important questions....Does he or does he genuinely not know what he is doing to you? Is he being cruel or genuinely feels it's not a big deal? Does he think it's OK? Is he aware of your feelings? Does he care?.....The list could go on.

He's a great dad but that's because he's using the children as a way to further manipulate you.

Depending on how you look at things....Something isn't right with the man. He needs to undergo counselling/therapy in order for him to answer those questions and many more.

Focusing on your own problems (caused by these partners) it's time to look at getting out of this relationship -should the man in your life decide he's not the problem and feels what he does is acceptable.

Perhaps a visit from the child services/welfare professionals could be an opportunity to discuss your situation with them or ask for further help/advice as they'll be able to help.

Either way, you need to seriously consider getting away from this man if he's not willing to take steps to change his behaviour towards you.

Unfortunately. He's more than likely going to want his side of the story heard, should there be any investigations and where the children are concerned, he may try to make out that you are the one to blame in all of this.

This is because he comes over as being very clever and manipulative. You, on the hand know different and need to look after yourself and the children first.

To be honest, from one of the posts you wrote, it can be said your partner (albeit gently) forced himself upon you in such a way as to carefully allow you to believe it to be acceptable and even question your own judgement.

It's as if he encouraged you to feel guilty for even questioning the incident and allowing you to lose confidence in your own decision making.

Your partner seems to have a gentle, powerful and emotional way of controlling, humiliating and hurting you.

He may even be using your previous relationship experiences to his advantage by treating you in the same manner, yet in a different (softer) style in order for you to seriously question his actions as being wrong.

This provides him with empowerment over you because he's using your insecurities and unsureness as a form of psychological weapon to gain control over both you and the children.

You're suffering a lot of anxiety which is presumably because of the relationship, your current and previous partner(s).

When you leave home to drive or catch the bus, that anxiety only becomes more inflamed due to the constant worry of what awaits upon your return - even if you don't think that at the time.

You've written a lot about your counselling/therapy sessions and there's a lot going on in your mind that you're trying to address but it seems that perhaps the problem isn't really you at all....Even though there's a lot written about how you would/could change about yourself and the problems you have.

You write about how good it is to be in therapy because of what your mind does to you but to be fair, the problem really isn't your own mind causing the trouble within.

It's how your stressed, burdened, worried, anxious and troubled mind has become through the actions of your partners and now your just trying to find a way inside to deal with all the conflicting emotions.

You're having all of this therapy, which opens up your mind and reveals those buried memories, emotions and so on to help you understand what's happening inside your mind.

Yet you also have a partner who is cleverly doing the same in order to take advantage of your difficult situation so he can gain full, manipulative control.

Somehow, you need to focus on what you really want....A safe environment for you and the children. To do that, you need to constantly picture that in your mind and give full focus to that end goal.

Perhaps there's a deeper reason for your constant desire to 'feel rubbish' and that may be due to the guilt being placed upon you by your partner - as he seems more than capable of doing so.

Then again, there's the issue of all this therapy - but without direction as to focusing on what you really want (and need).

From what you've written, it seems as though the therapy sessions result in you feeling really bad about yourself and you find yourself in more deep, personal turmoil because of it.

You are asking questions and giving so much consideration with regard to your therapy sessions and posting them on here and there seems to be an issue with connecting to the counsellor/therapist so as to receive the help you need.

Somehow....You seem to be putting the blame on yourself for not being able to open up to your true, inner feelings and there's the talk of 'pulling away'.

It seems as though you are not comfortable with being able to openly express your inner feelings to the therapist and there's only one way to put into simple words for us all to understand....That is....It's perfectly normal to be that way with anybody.

Somewhere along the line, it should be the therapists/counsellors (with whom you have had sessions with in the

past) being able to work with you to a point where you eventually do feel comfortable with being more open.

As in many situations like your's, the therapist(s) should be able to accept that you can't just 'open up' and it can only be expected for you to have this compulsion to 'pull away'.

Presumably, a counsellor/therapist of the nature you are dealing with will be able to fully appreciate the difficulties in your life and understand as to the reasons why you can't just talk openly.

Anyway. The chances are it will probably take a lifetime of therapy and it doesn't matter how brilliant the counsellor is, you will still find it very hard to talk about your true, inner feelings.

Perhaps that's one positive reason for writing about your life problems on here....

However. It's trying to find a way forward so as to move on with your life and even at this point in time, looking at the positive aspects so as to get the help you really need.

You're having counselling/therapy sessions and have had dealings with the social/welfare/child services, which are all in a position to provide some help.

To be fair, the best way for you to get through this turmoil will be to focus purely and directly on what you really want....That is to get as far away from the situation you are in as possible.

When it comes to the counselling sessions, use them to discuss what you are really searching for and what the actual end result it is you want. This will help to focus and explore ways of finding a solution and perhaps directing you toward some inner peace amongst the storms of turmoil you are dealing with right now.

This man in your life is treating you very cruelly, will go on to manipulate the children and even the social welfare professionals unless you get in there first and keep asking for help.

You're in a very difficult and heartbreaking situation (and very possibly dealing with much of this in complete privacy and silence), but the only way you will get out of this is to keep searching for the appropriate help you really need.

Another option worth at least some consideration - abeit it's going to be very difficult and the chances are perhaps going to be very slim - will be to encourage your partner to seek help.

Admittedly, that could cause some deep emotional conflict for both him, you and the relationship because it will mean him having to face his own inner crisis through confronting his own issues.

Unfortunately. The only way you can save both yourself and the relationship (should you want to stay together) means it could be the only option - and that's an option which your partner will need to consider.

Failing that, the only real option is for you to get away from this man and take the children with you because from what you're writing here, it's not going to get any better.







Paul.....
 
Even women who haven't experienced csa don't really like sex. I happen to like sex. I have never experienced csa but even during different days of the month I'm like yeah no I don't feel like it. That's normal. And I'll let you in on a secret, some days even men are like no I'm not really into it tonight cause x, y or z. Trust me I've been turned down too despite what we are told that men want it 24/7. There is no law that says you must perform sexually whenever your partner wants sex. As a female I've had to face this myself. He will live if you say no..
 
Back
Top