How Do You Behave In Order To Fit In?

[EveHarrington]

How do you behave in order to fit in with other people in a group?

Serious question.

I am not looking for "just be yourself" answers as being mentally ill does not lend itself to societal acceptance.

I am looking for specific ways to act so that I can fit in and actually start making friends do that I'm not alone for the rest of my life.

Thanks.

 

[hodge]

I tend to take cues from other people I'm with and just kind of find ways to relate in response to what I hear from them. I like to get silly whenever possible, but that doesn't always work, depending on the people in the group. Plus everyone might not agree on what's silly (such as guinea pig hair, lol). But, seriously, in my experience, the best strategy is to listen and get a feel for what others in the group are saying and then find a way to respond that is true to yourself but also not likely to offend others. Does this make sense?

 

[aut555]

Sometimes it gets down to timing. Being in the right place at the right time. Maybe checking out social clues in group settings to grasp the subtle nuances of such. This was a good question, and l am feeling like idiot because l have no answers.

 

[Snowflake]

No answers sorry @EveHarrington - I struggle in groups and making friends. I'm different and I feel I have fat, ugly, stupid, crazy, abused, dirty written all over me. However, if I do try to fit in I listen first to see what conversations are coming up and say alittle here or there. It's not easy-

 

[hodge]

Somehow, I think we'd all get along just fine in Shimmerzville.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think we'd all get along just fine in Shimmerzville.

HAHA!! Totally!

And totally want a 'Shimmerzville'!

 

[scout86]

What's your ideas of "fitting in"? How will you know when you do? Best case, maybe you find a group where you really do fit in.

I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I find it useful to ask people questions. Most (not all) people like talking about themselves. They like it when someone shows an interest in what they think. With luck, it keeps them from asking about me. :) Besides, you can learn stuff that way.

 

[Friday]

I behave in order not to get arrested.

Fitting In & Making Friends have 2 entirely different, radically different, answers. They're not even on the same stratosphere.

- Fitting In is about being invisible, not standing out. The mechanics of which vary hugely depending on where you are and who you're with. It doesn't mean you have to lie, in fact, it's far better -infinitely better- if you don't. You just also don't table dance at church. Save that for the bar.

- Making friends, otoh, is about finding like minds & like hearts. In order to do that? You have to stand out.

When you're working on being invisible? Blending in? Not standing out? That's sooooooo not a conduit to friendship! In fact, very little could be more anti-friendship.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Agree with @Friday Also, just listen to what people are talking about, if you know something on the subject, speak up. If not, nod your head and smile a lot.

 

[Abstract]

I don't know. I don't think we need to stand out to make friends. I think we need a moment of connection (something superficial or something deeper) in some form or other and to be open to it ourselves. . I guess to that person we would be noticed in some way. I think fitting in is sometimes a good start if you are totally overwhelmed by socialising. You don't have to be exactly like everyone else to fit in. Its a little like a buffet table. There is common ground but if all the dishes were the same it would be rather unappealing.

Agreed that a fitting in mode is different to a making friend mode. To me fitting in is a more superficial state. Not that much of me is on offer. Is social connection with limited risk and limited me. Friendship mode is when I feel safer and a bit connected to someone and I am in a place where I am OK offering more of myself. Varying amounts in varying situations.

If you struggle with friends and social situations what about starting small and listening and trying to connect in some way as others here have suggested? I think things that are worth curbing if possible when we don't know people in a group is avoiding angry outbursts and not acting on any reactiveness. Its probably also worth looking at what it is that interferes in relationships early on for you. I don't think being oneself or being authentic means we have to let it all hang out!

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks.

The friend thing is off the table then, which is fine. Never been one to fit in anywhere in life or to make friends. I just sort of exist.

 

[hodge]

I consider you a friend, Eve.

Yeah, we live too far apart to be real-life friends, but . . . the wonders of the internet and this forum.