- Post starter
- #781
@gizmo, each year I would make him his favorite dinner and his favorite dessert, chocolate cake. Last fall he told me that he didn't really like chocolate cake all that much, he loved my apple crisp more, he said his favorite dessert was chocolate cake until he had my apple crisp. I had promised to make him some but never got around to it before he died. It's strange that the first day I came home after he died, one of the first things I thought was, "I never made you your apple crisp, I'm so sorry, Tin."
Of course, I've been making him chocolate cake for the past 20 years so....I think I'll continue with the chocolate cake thing this year. He loved meatloaf and on his birthday and Valentine's Day I always made him a heart shaped meatloaf. So I will do that again, with mashed potatoes. I personally do not like meatloaf and he always found it so fascinating that I would eat it just for him on his special day. He once told me that I didn't have to make it for him but I told him it was His Day and he should be able to eat His Favorite meal. He used to brag to people that I always did this for him. I think it meant so much to him because I made "sacrifices for him" on his day, I gave up my needs for his.
I miss him so much. I could really use his hugs right now.
That was sometimes his gift too because he once told me never to try to get him anything related to his hobbies because they were too specialized (he collected knives, constructed models and collected coins). I think it was because he knew what he wanted, what he had and what things were worth collecting. I would never have been able to figure it out. I usually got him a card and a gift card for a sporting goods store because he was always an avid camping gear guy. I always complained about how non-romantic he was with me (I had to pick my own gifts, never got a gift on the appropriate day because he never thought ahead and if I wanted to go out, it had to be somewhere that didn't require reservations because he never planned ahead) but now i would give anything to have him here to complain about again. You think stupid things like, "if he was back I'd never complain about him again." But you know you would.
He would have been 53 years old. That is so not old and yet, he moved like an 80 year old because of his years of injuries, many of which he never sought treatment for because, heaven forbid he lose time from work. Work was his life. Everything he did, if it wasn't for me, was for work. He spent so much money on belt clips, belt accessories, the newest pen, pouches, seat belt cutters etc. etc. He searched youtube for better ways to handle emergencies, newest techniques for intubation etc. He subscribed to emergency journals and was always looking to learn the latest and greatest in the field. I noticed about a year ago that he was becoming tired of this kind of thing. He was starting to complain that the things he'd done for years on his own were now being Expected of them and he was starting to realize that work was taking a lot from his time off. He was getting tired. He was starting to wear down....but he'd often worn down in the past. It comes in cycles, every five years. It hadn't been five years yet. It had only been about two years since his last "bad spell".
How did he not survive this phase? How is it that he didn't get out of this one? How in hell did this all add up and suddenly kill him?
I read a story about a woman who lost her husband and was in counselling. She said her counselor told her her husband died from "Impulsive suicide". I'd never heard that there were different categories of suicide before. All I ever keep hearing is that people who commit suicide have an undiagnosed illness and that they are mentally ill. My husband wasn't mentally ill. The day before this all started he was in complete control of his faculties, he was happy, he was well adjusted and there seemed to be nothing seriously wrong other than a constant stress, until he spun into crisis the next day. The sad thing about this woman's story is that the counselor told her that his impulse was triggered by their fight that they were having at the time - does this poor woman not want to die now because some stupid counselor just told her in a round about way that his death was her fault! A depressed mind will extrapolate on the negative. A suicide survivor will look for reasons why it's their fault.
I cycle repeatedly into the "I'm a bitch and he died because of me." phases. It's so easy to fall into those. It's so easy to beat yourself up.
I miss him. I don't know why he suddenly wanted to die. I wish he could just come home to me again.
Of course, I've been making him chocolate cake for the past 20 years so....I think I'll continue with the chocolate cake thing this year. He loved meatloaf and on his birthday and Valentine's Day I always made him a heart shaped meatloaf. So I will do that again, with mashed potatoes. I personally do not like meatloaf and he always found it so fascinating that I would eat it just for him on his special day. He once told me that I didn't have to make it for him but I told him it was His Day and he should be able to eat His Favorite meal. He used to brag to people that I always did this for him. I think it meant so much to him because I made "sacrifices for him" on his day, I gave up my needs for his.
I miss him so much. I could really use his hugs right now.
That was sometimes his gift too because he once told me never to try to get him anything related to his hobbies because they were too specialized (he collected knives, constructed models and collected coins). I think it was because he knew what he wanted, what he had and what things were worth collecting. I would never have been able to figure it out. I usually got him a card and a gift card for a sporting goods store because he was always an avid camping gear guy. I always complained about how non-romantic he was with me (I had to pick my own gifts, never got a gift on the appropriate day because he never thought ahead and if I wanted to go out, it had to be somewhere that didn't require reservations because he never planned ahead) but now i would give anything to have him here to complain about again. You think stupid things like, "if he was back I'd never complain about him again." But you know you would.
He would have been 53 years old. That is so not old and yet, he moved like an 80 year old because of his years of injuries, many of which he never sought treatment for because, heaven forbid he lose time from work. Work was his life. Everything he did, if it wasn't for me, was for work. He spent so much money on belt clips, belt accessories, the newest pen, pouches, seat belt cutters etc. etc. He searched youtube for better ways to handle emergencies, newest techniques for intubation etc. He subscribed to emergency journals and was always looking to learn the latest and greatest in the field. I noticed about a year ago that he was becoming tired of this kind of thing. He was starting to complain that the things he'd done for years on his own were now being Expected of them and he was starting to realize that work was taking a lot from his time off. He was getting tired. He was starting to wear down....but he'd often worn down in the past. It comes in cycles, every five years. It hadn't been five years yet. It had only been about two years since his last "bad spell".
How did he not survive this phase? How is it that he didn't get out of this one? How in hell did this all add up and suddenly kill him?
I read a story about a woman who lost her husband and was in counselling. She said her counselor told her her husband died from "Impulsive suicide". I'd never heard that there were different categories of suicide before. All I ever keep hearing is that people who commit suicide have an undiagnosed illness and that they are mentally ill. My husband wasn't mentally ill. The day before this all started he was in complete control of his faculties, he was happy, he was well adjusted and there seemed to be nothing seriously wrong other than a constant stress, until he spun into crisis the next day. The sad thing about this woman's story is that the counselor told her that his impulse was triggered by their fight that they were having at the time - does this poor woman not want to die now because some stupid counselor just told her in a round about way that his death was her fault! A depressed mind will extrapolate on the negative. A suicide survivor will look for reasons why it's their fault.
I cycle repeatedly into the "I'm a bitch and he died because of me." phases. It's so easy to fall into those. It's so easy to beat yourself up.
I miss him. I don't know why he suddenly wanted to die. I wish he could just come home to me again.
