Exposure Therapy

[Hope1969]

I started exposure therapy with my T. She said that we are going to write "the story" and read it many times. The thing is that I don't have real memories only the flashbacks. So I wrote on paper all the flashback , dreams, body memories etc.

we had 2 sessions of reading the list of thing that I wrote. The second time I read the list was the most difficult session. After that session my T suggested that we take one of the scenes that I wrote the easiest one or less difficult one and we will start to explore the experience. We did 2 sessions of this and I feel so strange about it. It told her about the scene and she ask questions about the place and what I see and what I feel and how old I look like and what the little girl feels like. I answer the questions but when the session end I feel like I was lying. I don't have real memories !!! And I feel as if I make up the answers to her questions. I don't really know the details and I am afraid that after awhile it will become my story and I am not even sure that it happened this way. In the last these two sessions I finished the session furious ( I think it's because I was back in a place from my childhood I did my best to forget so I now I am angry with my T for "making me" go there).

My question is: how much can I trust the answers I give her when I don't have real memories of the abuse. It feels so strange.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I bet! Wish I had answers for you. My trauma happened and then the flashbacks.

When did you start this type of therapy? How long have you been with this therapist? Do you trust her?

Be honest. Tell her how this is making you feel.

So sorry you're going through this. Worse than a terrible nightmare.

 

[NightSky]

I can relate so much to this. After a year of therapy with a therapist I really feel connected with, I just started describing my flashbacks. They are all I have. I don't have memories. And I have never trusted the flashbacks as true even though they are intrusive, and often include body memories and have tortured me for years. I ALWAYS hesitate to share them because a part of me totally feels like I'm making everything up. Lying has actually always been my greatest fear and I feel a ton of shame about it. But at this point I know avoidance and doubt have not helped me one bit. I struggle immensely with triggers, nightmares, flashbacks, dissociation, extreme fear of intimacy..and the only way I can see to the other side is diving in even when I don't know if I'm telling the truth. My therapist has told me often that not trusting myself is a huge sticking point to progress. And I don't want any more sticking points. I'm tired of them. I understand your anger for being asked to "go there," but for me, I'm grateful mine is gently pushing me to say everything. Because it's the only way through. Whether sure of the details or not. We have to give healing every possible chance to happen, so try to look at it that way. Be kind to yourself. I suspect you are not by nature a "liar," or you would not be afraid of dishonesty. Respect your truth, as it stands right now, as you do the best you can to heal.

 

[Hope1969]

When did you start this type of therapy? How long have you been with this therapist? Do you trust her?

I started the therapy with my T more than a year ago. The subject was difficulties that I had with my family ( my parents and brother). They were very depended on me and it made it very difficult to focus on my son. She helped me a lot in this issue and setting boundaries with them.
Few months ago a kid from kindergarten touched my son and I took it very hard. And then the flashbacks began. My T was amazing. She never suggested any ideas. we worked with what came up. I trust her very much. If I wouldn't trust her my mind wouldn't feel free to release the Trauma. I never remembered the trauma but honestly the evidence was there all my life ( trust issues, chalange with intimacy, picking the wrong man, workaholic , numbness etc).

The exposure therapy started few weeks ago.

I told her last session that I feel that the extra information that I give in the exposure process seems ...I don't know. How can I trust that? We talked about it. And it's still very difficult.

On the other hand I remembered few small things after the sessions ( his arm watch, the mattress I had when I was a child).

I am confused....it's difficult and I am tired.

 

[Hope1969]

And I don't want any more sticking points. I'm tired of them

Thank you for your answer. I think that I understand now why I am so tired all the time. But I am afraid to let go of the resistance. If i will let go its as if I am looking for trouble in believing myself. Keeping the residence mean that I fought it and didn't want it. Crazy right?

 

[joeylittle]

On the other hand I remembered few small things after the sessions ( his arm watch, the mattress I had when I was a child).

This might mean that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to answer your therapist's questions right in the moment she is asking them. The questions are to help 'churn up' more details, but that process can take some time. It's always ok to sit quietly, think, and if there's nothing, you can say that you don't remember any more about (whatever the question was). If you do remember later, jot it down and bring it to next session.