Hi.
I think there are 2 aspects of how we are in a social setting. Maybe more. 1 is behaviours and the 2nd is who we are. Who we are is our values, our interests, our essence. I think it is safe and good to at times think how our behaviours would allow us to fit in and definitely in terms of behaviours that may be problematic for individuals in any particular group. Different groups may mean different behaviours.
When it comes to who we are though I think its very dangerous and potentially self destructive to think of trying to fit in at the cost of our essence. I'm not presuming that that is what you are thinking or meaning but just putting it out there. I understand the desire. Anything to avoid pain. Most of us have been there, Fitting in when it comes at a cost of your Self is a very self harming thing to do regardless of how much you think the short term benefits may be. I think that is what many people are avoiding or trying to help you avoid here.
Its very understandable to say you need this and will do what you can to get it - no matter the cost. Just give me script. (not saying you are meaning this - rather giving an example). It just doesnt work that way. I'm not telling you to just be yourself. I promise. I know how impossible that can feel when you don't know how to fix something. I'm just saying that its fine to look at how ones behaviours can help one fit in but its never kind to yourself to do the rest. It never ever solves anything long term. I promise. I definitely tried in the past. There is sadly no script for these things. It tends to come from tiny steps looking at interacting and thinking of sharing ourselves in any small way we can manage.
It might help to do a couple of follow up threads. Maybe one for behaviours and another for your self and essence. You don't have to love yourself to do that or profess to that. Thank goodness as otherwise all us self haters would be toast. Rather an investigation into who we are. If people tell you the good things about you then can you accept their perspective and right to it at least?
Connection can be more superficial too. Not life and death and intesne. A common interest. A common preference for the colour blue for example....
I think there are 2 aspects of how we are in a social setting. Maybe more. 1 is behaviours and the 2nd is who we are. Who we are is our values, our interests, our essence. I think it is safe and good to at times think how our behaviours would allow us to fit in and definitely in terms of behaviours that may be problematic for individuals in any particular group. Different groups may mean different behaviours.
When it comes to who we are though I think its very dangerous and potentially self destructive to think of trying to fit in at the cost of our essence. I'm not presuming that that is what you are thinking or meaning but just putting it out there. I understand the desire. Anything to avoid pain. Most of us have been there, Fitting in when it comes at a cost of your Self is a very self harming thing to do regardless of how much you think the short term benefits may be. I think that is what many people are avoiding or trying to help you avoid here.
Its very understandable to say you need this and will do what you can to get it - no matter the cost. Just give me script. (not saying you are meaning this - rather giving an example). It just doesnt work that way. I'm not telling you to just be yourself. I promise. I know how impossible that can feel when you don't know how to fix something. I'm just saying that its fine to look at how ones behaviours can help one fit in but its never kind to yourself to do the rest. It never ever solves anything long term. I promise. I definitely tried in the past. There is sadly no script for these things. It tends to come from tiny steps looking at interacting and thinking of sharing ourselves in any small way we can manage.
It might help to do a couple of follow up threads. Maybe one for behaviours and another for your self and essence. You don't have to love yourself to do that or profess to that. Thank goodness as otherwise all us self haters would be toast. Rather an investigation into who we are. If people tell you the good things about you then can you accept their perspective and right to it at least?
Connection can be more superficial too. Not life and death and intesne. A common interest. A common preference for the colour blue for example....
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