Dom Violence 16 Year Horrible Relationship - Left 2 Months Ago

[Unfoldwings]

So glad to have tripped upon this site. Here's the background nutshell - I could use some help.
Common type story initially. I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. Met him at 19. He was 38 at the time. He is a Disabled Veteran. Fast forward 16 years later, I left him 2 months ago. I have our 22 month old beautiful little girl.
I have spent hours and hours online reading what I can about PTSD and domestic violence. I'm sure he has PTSD although there is zero chance he would seek treatment. Now it's likely I have it. I am seeking counseling and diagnosis.
Here I am at five something in the morning telling my story to strangers...
The physical and emotional abuse I fielded in those 16 years seems like a fog of dissociative events. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I am free now - truth is my life is still in danger. No matter the safety plan, no matter the hiding. He still could hurt or kill me because he gets to access me through the courts (child custody.)
I think in some ways I never left permanently before because I didn't think anyone could help protect me. The reality of it is that no one can. The police do a poor job, family are sitting ducks as well. I am my best advocate and I am it seems in this alone. Necessary hypervigilance is adding to what I perceive to be PTSD.
I want to pour my story out here hoping someone - anyone will listen to my anonymous voice - I'm starting with this post.

 

[Iamsensative]

@Unfoldwings, I glad you found this group. I am sorry that you need to be here. Keep talking to us. This group is amazingly supportive, get professional help. My ex tried to convince me years ago, I had no reason to live, but here I am 25 yrs later. 2 grown so son's they are happy and healthy. I just wish it didn't take me 20 yrs of to finally fall apart and get help. I survived and you can too. We are not strangers here, we are friends supporting each other through some horrible times. Welcome, sending love and prayers on your journey to freedom.

 

[Unfoldwings]

Thank you iamsensative. I just didn't know where to start. I've been so isolated for so long - I'm looking forward to some new online friends.

 

[Hope69]

@Unfoldwings . I'm so glad that you left. Iamsensitive's advice to get professional help is sound! Having been to many counsellors, I suggest taking your time to find the right fit, someone who understand trauma and has worked with survivors of domestic violence. Someone who can advocate for you and your child if you feel that in any way you are in danger. The women's shelters often have legal advice surrounding dv.
One thing I learnt is that even after I was over the abusive relationship, I was carrying trauma and patterns that lead me to unhealthy relationships. (though not abusive, equally painful) My suggestion is take care of yourself and child first and always first, take all the time you need to regain safety and a healthy sense of self, and then make sure that you have healthy boundaries in place so that you can nurture friendships that feel right and good for you. This is a great place to start !

 

[Unfoldwings]

Thank you to all who have responded - I can see this forum will be a little silver lining to read positive comments and advice at the end of a hard day! I'm off to a counseling appointment now - anyone have any experience with EMGR therapy? I am considering it in a few weeks after the custody court dates have passed. (didn't want to disturb my natural and current way of thinking and coping until I was done with the court stuff - my daughter is non negotiable I love her more than anything)
I'll post more later- and hopefully can share some advice as well instead of always asking for some! ;)

 

[aut555]

Thank you to all who have responded - I can see this forum will be a little silver lining to read p...

Sounds like you have your stuff together. My daughter pulled me through many years of abuse and l am thankful for that. Don't get the feeling you will head back to abuse. It's like we have little receptors that immediately alert us to abusive people. But l couldn't leave because my daughter was extremely fragile, l was concerned and upheaval would make it worse. She had a uphill battle with depression and maybe bpd like her father. So proud you left. Your fears are valid, vets do go off and we never know why. Ex treats vets. So impressed you left. The hard part is don't let him stress you out. Please take care, no contact except through courts is the best.

 

[Unfoldwings]

- I agree no contact is best, however he keeps violating the protection order and so far the state's attorney has only prosecuted one of the violations. Years of severe abuse - but the last straw was the last time he assaulted me in IA where we were living together (which he plead guilty to) I fled to another state with our daughter. CPS has him on the central child abuse registry now since the assault and investigation. He skipped probation in IA and showed up here in SD to scare/threaten/harass me, filed a motion to dismiss my protection order (ludicrous), and showed up at what was supposed to be the default custody hearing resulting in a continuance. He then returned to IA and is jailed until a probation revocation hearing next week. If they let him out again (he's already been jailed for violating probation once already) he's going to show up here again with a vengeance. Its all escalating but I have to appear to court for the custody hearing so he can't have access to her!

 

[Enaila]

It's it possible to stay with a friend or somewhere he doesn't know about right before and after the court hearing? Do you have a lawyer who can relay your concerns to the courts? I'm just brainstorming.

I stayed with a friend prior to the court hearing, had a backup plan the Women's Coalition had for me (being put up at an undisclosed location), and had a friend and her husband stay with me a couple days after the hearing.

This helped for awhile. I did end up moving many states away near family I didn't much care for at the time, but I needed distance to allow us to heal and be safe. Luckily, my ex didn't have funds to pursue us and wasn't too intelligent.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help from your local shelters, safe houses, friends, etc. You and your child deserve to be safe and happy!

 

[aut555]

It's it possible to stay with a friend or somewhere he doesn't know about right before and after the cou...

Great advice @Enaila. You have to protect yourself because sometimes courts, police, lawyers protect vets over us. My ex would be protected so l was afraid to call police. The police did come and managed not to fill out police report. What are the odds. I called later, no number, nothing. I lived in a very friendly veteran state, that's all l will say. I felt devalued as a female so l chose to keep my mouth shut.

 

[aut555]

Great advice @Enalia. You have to protect yourself because sometimes courts, police, lawyers protect vet...

My ex is not a vet, but treats them.

 

[Enaila]

My ex worked for the county, so was friends with all the officers as it was a small town.

 

[aut555]

My ex worked for the county, so was friends with all the officers as it was a small town.

That's rough. Almost makes me afraid to have any relationship with someone like that.