Feeling Guilty For Giving Up On A Friend

[supergirl]

Scared,

If your gut it telling you to end the friendship, then you should follow your instincts. You do need support in your life and if you are not getting it from her and cannot be okay with her without it then it is time to move on.

But, keep in mind that sometimes people are so consumed with their own stress that they cannot help someone else. This does not make them a bad person. I love my friends with all my heart and soul, some of them also suffer from PTSD and anxiety issues. I have not always been there for them when they needed support. Not because I did not love them or did not want to but because I needed to take care of myself. There have also been times when they have not been able to support me for the same reason. Friendship is a two way street but sometimes we are just not strong enough to be what others need and also take care of ourselves at the same time. Sometimes we have to put ourselves first. I cannot be a good friend and love others if I am not good and loving to myself. Over time these friendships have survived the bumps in the road.

I hope the friendship works out for you in the long run and I support whatever decision you choose to make. I do not know the full story and I am not making judgements, just offering my experience.
SG

 

[becvan]

I would like to add that it is not necessary to just dump this friend because they didn't know how to react. Not all our friends need to be based on supporting us in PTSD. We can, and are capable, of having friends based on other interests. Really having friends based on other things is very healthy and we should all be trying to foster that.

I'm really not sure what the huge "dump this person" reaction is about here. It's very unrealistic to expect everyone you tell to jump up and become this super supportive person. Most people won't have the first clue how to handle that information.

Really the best thing you could do is talk to your friend about the lack of reaction or ignoring it. What was your friendship based on beforehand? Perhaps try to keep it based on what it was based on before.

bec

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think what ScaredOfLonely might actually have been looking for was at the very least acknowledgment......I don't think she expected to hear nothing......

Being supportive is something that you do for each other after a friendship/relationship has evolved... But one must first show acknowledgment.... I wonder if ScaredOfLonenly had said she had Cancer, or Multiple Sclerosis, or Leprosy if she would have gotten the same response.....

Yes, friendships can be fulfilling, and healthy even with or without the presence of PTSD. Yes, you can have a friendship separate of the PTSD.....But for it to be completely ignored, disregarded, IMO......Just not worth it.....

There is way too much ignorace in the world today concerning mental illness. I for one am too tired of having to explain. You either accept me, or not. At least acknowledge the fact, don't try to ignore it, cause it ain't going away!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

She Cat, you hit the nail on the head.

I don't expect everyone to be as wonderful to me as my family has been. They have been there for me through thick and thin, if I need to talk to someone at 3am, whatever. That wasn't what I was looking for at all.

I was once very close with this person, and I do expect a little bit more from her, even though we have grown apart somewhat over the years. I was very supportive of her when her father had cancer and then later died. This happened just a little while ago.

When I told her I had PTSD, I was only looking for some sort of recognition from her. An "I'm so sorry" would have been enough. But for someone to ignore such a huge part of my life, well, it just makes me realize that the friendship wasn't nearly as strong as I thought it was. I've had practical strangers tell me more and act more sympathetic! Well, classmates of mine who know practically nothing about my life outside of school.

So yes, acknowledgment was what I was looking for.

And a big AMEN! to being tired of having to explain!

 

[Katja]

How are you? Sometimes I think I surround myself with people that are not as supportive because it feels better than to be alone. But when we close one door another one opens even if it doesn't feel like that in the moment. I hope you see the new doors that are there for you. I can relate to what you are saying...yes it is not about who is in more pain but still you want to be validated and cared for because PSTD is really painful.
You deserve that. all the best

Kat

 

[fin]

I have a friend, let's call her "A". We used to be a lot closer when I was in college, however as the years went on, we've grown farther and farther apart.

People grow apart, we all do this whether we are PTSD or not, I am wondering if there was a specific reason for it here between the two of you and if not then maybe that is cool no?

Within the last year I had re-connected with her since she found me online.

She found you online, she wanted to make a connection with you again and I am thinking this is maybe a good thing no?.

Everything was going well until I told her that I had PTSD. At first she didn't understand what it was. "A" thought that it was something similar to general anxiety disorder. I tried to explain it to her, and gave her some internet links so that she could read up on it herself. After I did this, I got no response from her for weeks. When I did finally hear from her again, there was no mention of my last email and what I had shared with her.

Not everyone knows or understands, and maybe she is not able to talk about something of this magnitude on-line, maybe she needs to judge how to be in person with you, and maybe she just didnt know how to respond to what you had written. It is a very cold thing an email, no matter how it is sent, the time you have been apart since growing away from each other. She may well be worried how anything she says to you will be received because of what she has maybe now read on PTSD on-line. If someone has no personal experience of this for themselves how are they expected to react? And you got no response from her, did you follow it up at all? I ask this because maybe she felt overwhelmed and didn't know how to respond-not everyone does.

Rather, she just started talking about herself, what was going on in her life, and asked me when we were going to get together to catch up..

I would maybe have given her the benfit of the doubt...she wanted to meet up with you and that to me says something, and often people when they are worried and nervous can start talking about themselves as a way of avoidance of something they are very afraid to open.

I was so shocked that she wouldn't even recognize the fact that I am suffering...

Does she understand the full extent of your suffering? Or did you just say you had PTSD and leave it at that, with a couple of websites etc

From then, I haven't had any contact with her. She has emailed me several times to ask me what is wrong, but I am not feeling confrontational right now so I just ignore her emails. Not very nice, I know, but after she made my problems seem like nothing, I don't really care. ..

ok at the risk of all hell breaking loose, I want to ask; did she really make your problems seem like nothing?


I would think that unless now suddenly and amazingly she knows, and you wont talk or tell her so I am thinking that unless by some miracle she has major league psychic powers, I am wondering how you are expecting her to understand when you wont try to meet her half way...or is this all or nothing PTSD stylee?

You seem almost flippant in your disregard at her concern and yet later in your post here you say that she doesnt care for you...well I would honestly think she might just, and unless she knows how to connect with you and you have already said you haven't seen each other in quite some time...well maybe she just doesn't know how to connect with you through the internet online let alone again, and especially with something she obviously might have some concerns over...but I would think perhaps it might be worth a try on your part. Especially as she has tried and even said she wants to meet up with you.

But it is your decision at the end of the day, and no one can make it for you...

I would think that someone that perhaps still wants to know you and to meet up might be a good person to have in your corner...And she looked you up remember...not the other way around...and what you told her didn't put her off, as she is still trying to make contact with you.

My position is that if someone can't say something...ANYTHING when I disclose that I have PTSD, then they must not really care. And to get this attitude from a so-called "friend" is just too much for me to take. And the thing is, I didn't throw it in her face or make it into a dramatic "woe is me" sort of thing. I was just looking for some sort of recognition from her that she understood some of what I was going through.

How do you know that you wouldn't have got it in person? I understand that she still wanted to meet up..and I would take that as not dismissing me or my problem if it was me. But then I am also a pushover to some extent.

I think if someone knew me over the net after not having seen me in years, and they still wanted to meet up despite me telling them I was PTSD "afflicted", and were concerned as to why I was ignoring them...well I would think maybe they might be worth a chance, but only you can know and only you know what your friendship was and what it meant to you then and now.

I've talked to some of my other friends (none of whom have PTSD), and they just tell me that not everyone can handle news like that. That not everybody knows how to be supportive when someone tells them something so significant.

It is so much easier to be supportive in person than it is over the net. Of course this is my opinion but I think the friends you have talked with have it easier in that respect, than the internet friend that looked you up.

I'm at the point where I just don't see the value in the friendship anymore. I guess I feel somewhat guilty though for giving up on her though. I think what it boils down to is that if someone can't be supportive of me for something like this, how can I have any trust in the relationship?

You just got back in touch after how long??

Trust takes time for anyone, for her as well as you and I am sure you said; she has still tried to contact you repeatedly despite you ignoring her.

And this is because you dont want confrontation??

Maybe you have changed your mind about her some??

Maybe you are not interested in her and need to have a reason that fits with how things might feel better for you to accept. I know it can help to assuage guilt we feel and have over some things that we know we do when PTSDed and off and running.

My gut tells me to move on, but I feel guilty for giving up on a friendship when so many people have given up on me.

I am wondering if your gut might be right, but again only you can know, and you have got PTSD so...

Has anyone else had to give up on relationships because people couldn't be supportive? Or does anyone have any words of advice?

I dont think you are giving up on a relationship...from what you have said here, it had already fizzled out, it was her that got in contact with you, so maybe she needs to let go of you, I think you already maybe had your mind made up...because she perhaps didn't respond as you expected her to.


I had to give up yes, but not before at least trying and for years I might add. But that was me and I have a lot of guilt and other PTSD related stuff surrounding friendships and me feeling inadequate, so...I may sometimes have kept things going that I should have let go of a long time before I did. The thing is only YOU can ever know what is right for you.

But I really wouldnt be too quick to blame it on the pTSD...as from what you have written...you told her and she still wanted to meet with you and still reperatedly tried to contact you...so I dont think that telling her you had PTSD put her off, and I would like to point out...sometimes people say a lot without using any words at all.


I really hope that this in some way can help you some, I really do. Only you will ever know and only you can make the decision. But I want to add that I think perhaps if you cant be bothered- than that you have to admit to and let go of the guilt of that, because you dont have to be bothered to retain this re-aquaintance, it is ok to let go and say that you think you made a mistake, and maybe it isn't worth the effort to you...I would just think carefully and try to look at it from a less PTSD point of view perhaps if you can, you may find it might help, although I do know how hard it is also.

~fin

Only you can know how much effort this person is worth in what they bring to your life now. And only you can know if what they offer is friendship to you. I hope that no matter what you decide things work out well for you with this.

 

[fin]

So yes, acknowledgment was what I was looking for.

I said this recently to someone...I said these exact words; "I need you to please acknowledge what I have said to you" and it worked...they heard me and acknowledged what I had said to them...but I had to be specific and ask. And yes it did piss me off having to say this...but like me they are not a mind reader so, but it was worth the effort for me.

And a big AMEN! to being tired of having to explain!

And please don't feel you have to explain further to me on this ok, because all of this is your decision and not mine ...you do not have to explain anything to anyone else on this about how you are feeling if you do not want to -ever.

I was to some extent trying to put another point of view across.

I have some issues on this subject and so I dont want to get tangled up in it. I just think it is so very sad so much of what you have felt here. I understand that sadness, frustration and pain...please know that.


The thing is, I think some balance was needed here, I think it isnt fair on your old friend for us as PTSDers to attack her here, like I think she has been, just because we are fed up with other peoples ignorance. Whether she knows it or not I don't think matters, I really think your old friend has almost become some poster child for a lot of peoples beefs about bad friendships.

And I am sorry as I do think this may not be read how it is intended, I am not trying to stir anything up I promise...I have tried to put some balance in...I hope that is what I have been able to do.


Take care and I hope everything works out for you, it is a crap time we have with PTSD I do know that, but it can be managed and so friendships of all kinds might be a healthy ongoing "strategy" in helping us to be able to move forward some. I hope they are anyway, otherwise I see it as a lot more painful than it is already for me.

~fin

 

[Tinyflame]

I can only say, off-side, that I have found that that feeling of being tired of explaining seems to go away when I am just treated with acceptance and kindness/ "support" in general. Because I've basically told no one (-except for one person in "real life"), I can't say I've gotten into "explaining" anything too much, but definitely that whole "feeling" of needing to seems to go away with the above. -I don't feel as consious of having to explain how/ "why" I am as much.

The only thing I wonder too is if she didn't know what to say? In that, if she said "I'm sorry" in response to hearing of your ptsd she might have thought that sounded demeaning to you (ie. -some people think of themselves as victims, some as survivors, etc.)? -Just a thought. I guess best way to know is like fin said to ask her, if you want to, at some point. :dontknow:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I refuse to go back and over-analyze every little move that I made and every little move that she made...saying what if this...or what if that?

The bottom line is that my gut told me that this just wasn't right. Whenever I go against my gut feelings, I always realize in the end that they were right. I have given people the benefit of the doubt before. I remember once I met a guy whom everyone loved. I didn't, but couldn't quite pin down why I didn't like him. My gut feelings were just that he wasn't a good person. I couldn't find anything in particular that made me dislike him, just that he made me feel uneasy. I shoved aside my feelings, and gave him a chance, but in the end, my gut feelings were right. Why give you this example? Just to illustrate that sometimes our gut feelings are what we need to go by.

My friend "A" and I were once thick as thieves. She knows me well enough to know that when I say something like "I have PTSD", that she should respond in a supportive manner. I have seen her support all of her other friends when something bad happens, so why not me?

 

[fin]

I refuse to go back and over-analyze every little move that I made and every little move that she made...saying what if this...or what if that?

You don't have to go back and analyse anthing ScaredOfLonely. No-one is asking you to, it is ok to trust yourself, please know that you are the one in control of your life -no one else. You make the decisions that you live by, and if it is ok for you to to go with your gut, then you do it. You do not need anyone's permisssion to make these decisions, and you do not have to justify your decisions either.

Please take care and perhaps be a little kinder to yourself.

I hope this helps

~fin

 

[Deleted member 541]

ScaredOfLonely,

You are so right about the gut feeling............Good for you, for not wanting to analyze everything also......

 

[the racha]

ScaredOfLonely,

Good for you for recognizing your feelings and doing something proactive about them. I have been going through this as well with a very close friend of mine, as well as other friends that I certainly considered close. In my case, they would acknowledge just fine-- but then they would disappear. Sometimes I don't know which was more painful: realizing I would have PTSD forever, or realizing that I was wrong about the people I love and thought would be there for me when I was at my lowest point in life. From what you have described, you have been thru heck and back-- you are strong, you are coping with PTSD! If you choose now to surround yourself with support, I see nothing wrong with that.

I agree with everyone here that when folks find out it is PTSD (especially when I tell them it involves childhood sexual abuse) they totally freak out. But it was my mistaken belief that they would push past that freak out because of their love for me. In some cases, all I expected was a call once in a blue moon or something just to check in. I got nothing.

But there is a silver lining here! As I read once on this forum, there is one great thing about having your whole life fall apart: you get to put it back together again however you want. I've deleted several phone numbers from my cell, and I have made a conscious effort to be a better friend to those that have been there for me.

Good luck.