Sufferer To Find A Place To Share

[Joannee]

Hi everyone

I stumbled upon this forum while searching for websites or forums talking about kids suffering from ptsd after watching content online.

It is not a real situation though, but related to my personal experience.

I suffer from flashbacks and nightmares about the holocaust, although I am not jewish myself and my family from France was not involved in it, we studied it in details when I was 13.

I'm looking for a space to share my experience and maybe move on a bit, as it is something that gets me down everyday. I think it shouldn't affect me everyday and I want to enjoy life more!!!

I didnt think I had ptsd unti about two years ago I saw someone to talk about it and do some emdr. It worked for a while but now has come back. Anyway I will start a journal to get it all out there.

Hope that's ok as I know my life was never in danger so feels stupid to call it ptsd but I hope to feel better by sharing instead of hiding my anxiety everyday. I'm 31 now so sick of almost 20 years of that anxiety/fear that seem to define partly who I am...

 

[shimmerz]

I suffer from flashbacks and nightmares about the holocaust, although I am not jewish myself and my family from France was not involved in it, we studied it in details when I was 13.

This sounds very familiar to me. Did you post on here about a year or two ago?

 

[Joannee]

Oh? I don't think I did, I might have commented on emdr forums two years ago, but I don't remember coming to this forum...how strange!

 

[Silver.]

Are you saying you have PTSD from you watching videos and learning of what happened during WW2?
:stop:

 

[Joannee]

Hi Silver, yes that's what it is. Psychanalyst said it is a form of ptsd for lack of a better word, but I guess not in the true meaning of the word since my life was never in danger because of that. The symptoms are the same as ptsd though.

Only in recent studies ptsd has been observed with people regularly exposed to traumatic imagery, there was a study with people exposed to 9/11 and boston marathon massacre pictures and videos. I think unfortunately for me I don't know what else to call it.

 

[shimmerz]

Here is the thread. Fascinating.

Sufferer - 30 Years Of Holocaust Nightmares + Child Abuse

 

[Nevermore]

Hi @Joannee I read the other thread. It really is fascinating! I too sometimes have shocking images of the homocaust - especially at the dentists. Dont know why that is, but for that reason I avoid the dentist.
But do you think the abuse you went through as a child made you empathetic with victims of the holocaust? In that you can imagine only too well how if felt to be treated so cruelly.
I can imagine it too well
My father was Jewish though, and I've often wondered if it's A generational memory, or past life.
I believe in that.
I don't know why it happens to me. I was never told anything about it.
But I was horrified when I learned.
Anyway, welcome!

 

[Joannee]

Hello!

I looked at the other thread and it is from someone else, really interesting though.

I used to read and watch about it later on, when I was 17 / 18, even becoming obsessed with the third reich and hitler at some point, I believe to try and control the fear, a kind of "if I watch a lot it wont affect me anymore". How on earth did I manage to do that I don't know, I am anxious when I go in a public library near the non fiction in case they have anything on display.

That's it though I cannot seem to associste it with a trauma in childhood, the closest I got with the psychanalyst was that maybe I grew up in a very harm free environment, hippie like, and that the horror of the holocaust came as a massive shock. I also tend to see myself in others pain and imagine if I was in their place so failed to see how I could survive being dehumanized.

I have a similar experience than the other post with nightmares and moments when flashbacks invade reality though.

 

[Joannee]

I think I had moments when I thought revisiting it would helpme move on as I grew up and becane an adult, but now it's basically avoid anything relating to ww2.

It was difficult before I did emdr as I work in a school, I would make a big detour on the way to my office in the library to avoid the ww2 section, at that point I thought this is ridiculous, that and having constant flashbacks in the shower.

 

[Richie]

Hello!
I used to read and watch about it later on, when I was 17 / 18, even becoming obsessed with the third reich and hitler at some point, I believe to try and control the fear, a kind of "if I watch a lot it wont affect me anymore".

this technique is used by the British Army as pre-deployment training. de-sentisization is a recongnised method of preventing trauma in an operational environment although i am unable to comment on how effective it actually is. it may be worth exploring although i would recommend doing this with someone supporting you as you try to treat yourself using this method IF you choose to try this

 

[Joannee]

this technique is used by the British Army as pre-deployment training. de-sentisization is a recongnised...

I'm not sure if it can work after the trauma. I can see how it could work before as desensitization though, prepare yourself for what you will later experience.

My therapist said I should avoid reading or watching, as I try to control the trauma by reliving it, which is frequent with ptsd. The thing is I can't change the fact that I care and feel sad about what I see, as rewatching it won't change the fact that people suffered and died. Unfortunately I seem to have a morbid attraction to these things from time to time.
Two days ago I searched online for information about north korea prison camps, as I suspect they have currently death camps, and found some disturbing drawings by ex prisonners.

But then I felt guilty like why am I searching for these, it just makes me feel depressed. I want to be happy and enjoy life! Guess I'm my worst ennemy.

 

[Richie]

you shouldn't feel guilty for researching these things. WW2 fascinates me and I have several DVDs about Auschwitz. I dont know if you are aware but the death camps were created because of the psychological effects on the German soldiers who were ordered to execute the Jews by gunfire. Humans have been fighting wars since history began but mass execution at a personal level is not in our nature. No real soldier would consider those atrocities but unfortunately their hierarchy were incredibly brutal and just gave the orders for the front line men to follow. They were psychologically brainwashed (through propaganda) to hate anyone who did fit the mould of hitlers ideology then ordered to carry out the executions. Refusal would have meant they themselves would have been shot as is normally the case during war.

you should remember those who died to honour them but you have nothing to feel guilty about