I Have PSTD. How Should I Approach My Partner?

[lagemela]

I've been suffering from PTSD for 3 yrs. I met someone 2 yrs ago and we started dating. He is very wonderful and understanding person.

But these days, whenever I call him when I'm in a panic state he'll say "not this again....."

Usually, he's so understanding and he goes to a couple's therapy with me every week and he also sees a therapist to discuss how he should approach me when I'm in a triggered mode. I also see my own therapist to discuss about my past and how I should take care of myself.

But he loves to hang out and go to bars with his friends. And when I call him (when I'm in a panic mode and crying and throwing things in my room) around midnight while he's partying he just hangs up on me--and he doesn't answer his phone for 30 min to an hour. I just need him to listen to me and be with me when I'm in a panic mode so that I can feel more safe.

I try not to be a burden on him and I try to give him more space. But I sometimes need him. REALLY need him to be there for me. Is this normal? Am I being too clingy since he is the only non-therapist individual who was supportive for 2 yrs?

These days, he hungs up on me even when I'm crying and telling him don't go because I'm frantic and I need to feel safe. I wonder if this is my fault and whether I have separation anxiety or something....

I'd love to hear experience of people who are suffering PTSD and are currently dating or have dated someone. Thank you so much.

 

[fin]

Hey firstly welcome to the forum lagemela, I hope you will try to read here as much as you possibly can, please it will help you here. :smile:

You are not alone with the PTSD and this forum here will help you in learning how you can manage it and I believe this is really important for you to start trying to do now, and I mean NOW...and that wasn't trying to get you to freak out or anything ok...please know that.

But he loves to hang out and go to bars with his friends...

This bit here is what a lot of people do, they get out and relax with friends etc, there is nothing unusual in wanting to relax please know that, everyone needs to try to do this. This is not an attack against you or anything else, your partner/boyfriend is doing what a lot of people do. And hopefully you will too -relax.

And when I call him (when I'm in a panic mode and crying and throwing things in my room) around midnight while he's partying he just hangs up on me-..

And I want you to come back to this somehow at a later date when you are feeling calm and read this clearly, this is concerning to read and I am NOT saying this to try to make you feel guilty or anything. I am saying this to try for you to understand that this is unmanaged PTSD and it is scarey to see and watch someone you love do this. Please know that you can begin to manage it...please KNOW that.

And ask yourself really calmly and cooly without freaking yourself out...how he maybe feels about getting a call; he has maybe had a load of other times and can't help with...and think about maybe why he has felt the need to hang up. Now I am REALLY not saying this to make you feel bad ok... I am saying this to try to get you to understand that this, I believe, is becoming his learnt reaction to your uncontrolled PTSD and it isn't good for either of you.

-and he doesn't answer his phone for 30 min to an hour. I just need him to listen to me and be with me when I'm in a panic mode so that I can feel more safe..

I have a couple of questions that I think you maybe need to think on and try to work through some.

What is it that you feel he can say that will help you calm down more and better?

And is there some other way for you to be able to do this, for you to be able to calm down?

Have you learnt any coping techniques with your therapist that help?

And if so you need to be perhaps practising them..or discussing them with your therapist because they need to know if what they are saying isn't helping you manage at all. And from what you have written here you are struggling big time.

Because I know that you can learn to cope with this...it is learning to manage your PTSD ...and you can begin here and now, and I hope you will.

I try not to be a burden on him and I try to give him more space. But I sometimes need him. REALLY need him to be there for me. Is this normal? Am I being too clingy since he is the only non-therapist individual who was supportive for 2 yrs?.

I think you are hurting yourself perhaps more than him right now, but he is going to get fed up with it.

This guy has been with you for two years...it says something for him and for you. And it also says you have to start working on your managment of your PTSD, and learn constructive coping techniques and strategies. That will help you learn how to relax and self soothe

Perhaps you can discuss this with your therapist, and perhaps you can work on this calmly and cooly together with your partner rather than waiting until he goes out and then going into "panic mode".

These days, he hungs up on me even when I'm crying and telling him don't go because I'm frantic and I need to feel safe. I wonder if this is my fault and whether I have separation anxiety or something.....

I think you have totally uncontrolled PTSD from the sound of it...you need to get a handle on the anxiety and the freaking out, please you really have to.

There is only so much your boyfriend will ever be able to help you with, if he keeps being there totally all the time-well scratch that he cant possibly be there every minute of every day it just isn't feasible.

When he has to go to work or go out for anything ...you will find it setting in again and again. I believe it will get worse the longer you leave it. While at the moment it just might be at midnight whenever he goes out, that you are doing this, it will get worse if he gives in to you because of the way you are freaking out in "panic mode".

PLease start now...you have found this forum and can begin now...talk about it with your partner when calm but please try now to begin to get yourself the help you need.

No one can do this work for you, you have to do this yourself and only you can really know how you are genuinely feeling and what you need to work on. You will find plenty of support here and also so much to read and learn that will begin to help you, but you have to do the work yourself.

You have to take control of your life, no one can do this for you. And you can take control of your life.

Thank you so much.

You need to begin this work as soon as possible in my opinion, you need to begin to see and look at how things are realistically working or not and you have to start talking and getting a better hold of yourself, for yourself than you have done until now. I am not saying any of this to be mean or cruel, I am saying this because I know where you are, I can see somehow how this might turn in and also out for you.

You may owe taking better care of yourself to your partner, I don't know how valid a thing that is for me to say...but you are asking in terms of dating someone so I am saying that here... BUT I SURE as hell KNOW YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF to get help, to get working, to get your PTSD under control and managed.

And I would maybe STOP looking for labels to plaster on what you are doing, because the labels wont make it all better, working on it will and only you can do that.

PLease know you are not alone here and that you can do this. We are all at different points here working through PTSD and we are all encouraging of each other.


I hope that this can in some way help you, please know I have said none of this to be mean to you or hurt you. I am trying to get you to understand that you can manage PTSD and you need to start to try NOW.


Welcome again, I hope you begin to try, please know it is worth it and that you can do this. And so many of us have been where you are now. You are not alone and we do understand.


~fin

 

[fin]

And I would maybe STOP looking for labels to plaster on what you are doing, because the labels wont make it all better, working on it will and only you can do that.

PLease know you are not alone here and that you can do this. We are all at different points here working through PTSD and we are all encouraging of each other.

 

[littlemouse]

I understand where you are coming from, but from a different angle. My husband and I both have PTSD (I just kind of assume I have it from knowing the symptoms, I cannot afford a therapist or a doctor to officially diagnose me, though my uncle [a therapist] says he feels I have it). My husband, however, is the opposite of me. He's had more time to learn how to manage his triggers, and he has toughened his skin to emotion. He has a "switch," and he switches his emotions off with it when things are chaotic or when there is emergency.

I, on the other hand, do the same thing you do. I have anxiety attacks, and I cry for what seems to be no reason. But then again, I cry over *everything* you could possibly imagine. My husband gets very frustrated with me because he can't handle it when I get that emotional. He does his best.

Your partner probably feels like he can't escape your panic attacks. He might feel like he can't even go out and relax without you calling him crying. As much as it hurts to think that, take a step back and try to imagine yourself in his situation. It's probably very hard on him, and one can only be so understanding before they just can't take it anymore.

Perhaps you should sit down and talk with him when you are not in that panicked state, and tell him that you call him because you need grounding. Perhaps you could come to a compromise? Maybe, tell him exactly what you would like him to say. For me, when I wake up from nightmares crying, my husband barely has to be awake to wrap his arms around me and say, "You're safe, you're okay, you're awake now, I love you." That's all I need from him. When I get anxiety attacks (luckily those are few and far between), I just need him to hold me and let me cry. Then he'll do something ridiculous like blow raspberries on my neck, or make "barking chicken" noises to make me laugh.

I would suggest telling him what you need from him. What do you want him to say? "Don't worry, honey, everything is fine, nothing happened and nothing will happen to you. I love you"?

If you're looking for something more than that when you are that panicked, do you have a really good friend you can call when you get like that, to maybe lighten the load on your partner? I know it sounds like I am saying you're burdening him, but remember, I do the same thing you do and my husband has PTSD also! My husband gets tired of it. He doesn't like feeling like I am emotionally unstable because it makes him feel like he has a heavy obligation to me. I understand why he feels that way, and that's why I have to force myself to learn how to manage my reactions to triggers.

If you go to a therapist, why not discuss these panic spells? Do you have a lot of spare time on your hands? You could always go out of your way to make yourself busy. Distraction helps. It helps me a LOT. When I am doing something that requires me to focus my attention on other people, I come back to myself feeling refreshed and having a new perspective.

I really hope you find some inspiring reading material here, and I hope you and your partner can come to an understanding so that this is more managable for the both of you. You have to make the effort to work on yourself above all things, so that in the end, you don't have to call him when you are upset; you can turn to whatever coping method you find works for you! :)

Warm hugs,

Mouse ~O8>*

 

[becvan]

But I sometimes need him. REALLY need him to be there for me. Is this normal? Am I being too clingy since he is the only non-therapist individual who was supportive for 2 yrs?

I can fully understanding wanting someone to be supportive and to help calm you down. However. It is your responsibility to learn how to calm yourself down, how to cope and to learn and use coping techniques. This is not his job to do this for you. Basically you are being dependant and demanding that he enable you. Anyone would get exhausted from constantly trying to calm another person down when it's not their responsibility. Also being in a panic attack is a state of emotion (despite how physically it can affect us.) The only person that can control and monitor those emotions are you.

I suggest you get the therapist to work with you on different techniques that can help. We also have a great information section here that you should read in-depth.

Good luck.

bec

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand where you're coming from. I've been very demanding of my partner in past relationships. I've "used" them to help me calm down. The only problem with this is what to do when they're not around? The other person can't always be there for you, so you've got to learn to cope with triggers on your own. I'm not saying that your partner shouldn't be supportive. I just fear that you may ultimately be pushing your partner away.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear lagemela,

I agree with Bec and ScaredofLonely.

Maybe you can think of it as your next goal to tackle, in small baby steps?

I know it's hard but try not to blame your bf. He can show you love and support in other ways that are healthier for each one of you and your relationship.

Good luck to you.

 

[TLight]

I agree with what everyone above has said. I also understand how you need him when these things are happening and how frustrating and lonely it can feel when he isn't responding.

These 'episodes' are very scary and I agree, talking with him when you are not triggered about how he can help you when you are, things he can say, etc that will help. We all need a support system and we should be able to have support from our loved one..........but they are human too and can only take so much.

Just a note: don't go down the road of 'I'm a burden' etc because that puts you in a victim state and only makes your situation worse. Sometimes it just helps to say to someone, "I"m having a rough time of it right now, but with your help and just knowing that you care, I know I will get through it."

Of course, the fact that he's at a bar and having fun and your at home going through the terrors would tend to make me mad..........but I have PTSD. So there you have it.