I've Resisted The Urge

[ShodokanJenn]

Seven days. I've had seven days of the most intense urge to cut that I've had in at least six years. It's also been six years since I last cut. Today I even found myself thinking, "If I just do shallow, short cuts, it will do the job and won't be dangerous." The problem is, shallow short cuts have never been enough for me. But I'm resisting. I've been resisting. If there were some way to convey how intense these urges are, the whole world would cheer for me for being able to resist. But I'll have to satisfy myself with my own gratitude and appreciation. Even though I actually just feel ashamed and freakish for even having the urges.

 

[hodge]

Yaay, you!! It's so great that you have managed to resist this!! Hang in there. Maybe let yourself have some chocolate. Some kind of reward.

 

[Enaila]

Someone on this site once posted, "Feelings aren't facts and urges aren't acts." I, too, get urges as do many people on this site to self harm especially when things feel out of control. My T says urges are just urges...if I don't act on them, there is nothing to feel ashamed about. What can you do instead? Is there something you could do which is nice for yourself instead?

 

[sun seeker]

If there were some way to convey how intense these urges are, the whole world would cheer for me for being able to resist.

I'll cheer for you anyway. I may not have felt exactly what you are feeling, but probably close enough. I sure know the feeling of "if only people knew."

You have therapy tomorrow, as I recall? You've made it this far. I hope you can get some answers very soon.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Thanks @Enaila. I know lots of people here get urges. It does help to know I'm not alone. I've been doing tons of stuff to distract myself, and doing lots of nice things for myself. It is working so far, but I feel so close to the edge. I am about to go shower so I can get ready for martial arts class. It should help some.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@sun seeker Thank you for cheering. It helps to not feel alone. I had therapy today (Good memory!) and while it didn't help the urges much, it DID help with the shame and guilt I've had piled on top of them. Now, even though the urge is just as strong, there isn't such hopelessness. So it DID help, more than I expected. I have more hope and confidence now, which is good - I was running low on both. I see my psych NP on Monday. She's good, so I'll be honest about how I've been feeling. I don't know if she'll want to make any medication changes. I hope not - what I'm on has been working really well.

 

[EveHarrington]

Congrats!

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Thanks, @EveHarrington