Undiagnosed Hello.

[SableCat]

Hi hi.

I registered a number of days ago and have been struggling with the simple task of introducing myself ever since. :) I guess there are so many ways I could do that and so many things I could say, any which ones I pick won't really make much of a difference so I figured I might as well say just that.

I have never been formally diagnosed with PTSD, but a couples counselor I used to see indicated that might be at the root of my issues. It didn't seem to fit much until I learned about complex PTSD. I'm going through a book about it at the moment.

I have sought therapy in the past, before learning that PTSD might be my problem, but it backfired badly. I have serious trust issues and at this point, I no longer trust therapists (that's the latest attempt's fault), although I still trust the process. Plus, I can't stand the economic aspects of it (good therapy = $$$$ which I don't have, kids out of university don't cut it) and the idea that it would take me years of being vulnerable and exposed (possibly to the wrong person) before I could make any progress.

I also don't want therapy because I'm fearful of that going on a record somehow and damaging my already-tenuous prospects for employment... yeah, I'm unemployed at the moment and have been for a few years, oh joy.

I know one of the ways to get better is social support. I have very little of that, I'm a transplant around here and past the point of being able to just meet people without anticipating the worst. I am not a people-pleaser and dislike smalltalk. The few friends I have who already know me think I'm a blast, but I have no energy at all to do all the filtering and getting to know people that is required when meeting new people. It's too much like dating to me. I dislike having acquaintances, I trust too little and blind trust seems entirely undeserved to me. There is a HUGE gap between what I can stand from people, and what they require of me.

So that's why I'm here. Online is much safer. People don't have to take me so seriously, unless they choose to... then it's their choice, their responsibility.

Oh yeah. I figure I'm like this because of 20 years of physical, verbal and emotional abuse by my parents, first my mother and father, then only my mother. Thankfully, there is no no sexual component to that at all.

If I sound angry, above... I suppose I am. I'm really tired of being like this, but I'm even MORE sick and tired of being told "beggars can't be choosers" and that I should just bend over for the wrong therapist, or pharmaceuticals. I am trying to overcome decades of defense mechanisms ruling me, nobody knows me as well as I do, and I still trust 100% that I can overcome this, by myself, like a big girl. So I just want to associate with people who understand that.

Hopefully that doesn't come across as too extremely averse to... well, everything. I know it sounds that way. Apologies are available in advance at the front desk for the low price of $24.99 per monthly payment for only 420 months!

-Sablekitty

 

[Cannottakethis]

Hi Sablekitty

It sounds like you've been through a lot, including some bad therapists, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Obviously I can't diagnose you but from what you described there could be PTSD and/or complex trauma. I will not suggest a therapist, but I think coming to this website is a great first step.

As a quick FYI nothing you say in therapy could ever be reported to a potential employer. There are very strict privacy laws about that. My background is in Human Resources so I'm quite sure about this.

I hope the things you read on this site will help you.

I wish you all the best.
Shell

 

[SableCat]

As a quick FYI nothing you say in therapy could ever be reported to a potential employer. There are very strict privacy laws about that. My background is in Human Resources so I'm quite sure about this.

Thanks Shells.

I think I'm worried about gossip, people seeing me visit a therapist's office whom I might know or encounter at workplaces I suppose. I don't need people, potential coworkers, thinking I'm mentally ill when I'm applying for a job, even if I really am; it just doesn't help anything.

It helps knowing they can't uncover why I go see a professional though. I wasn't too sure about that (not like I could ever ask anyone before).

 

[Cannottakethis]

You can always go to the next town over. And one thing I've learned, is to interview these people. Whether it's over the phone or in person, talk to them a bit and see if your personalities mesh. And you can tell them you're interviewing, so you don't feel pressured into making an appointment. And if anyone sees you at the therapists office, it's likely because they're a client. So many people go to therapy for so many things. I've been surprised several times by people telling me they went to therapy because they seem so "together".

If you look up HIPAA laws, they are basically all about healthcare privacy. If someone called any dr to ask about you as a patient, that office is not allowed to tell them that you are even a patient, let alone any info about you. They take this stuff seriously because if they are caught violating they can be fined or worse.

Best
Shell

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm quite concerned about your level of paranoia. Do you realize that pretty much everyone from all walks of life goes to therapy? It's kind of a "yawn" type of thing. Most people don't care.

As for not making progress for years? So not true. You can start improving pretty quickly.

I think you want help but I think you're making lots of excuses for not getting help. I honestly believe that healing from PTSD requires therapeutic intervention. We cannot process trauma by ourselves and processing is a key to healing for most of us IMHO.

I hope you decide to seek out therapy. I think you deserve to heal.

 

[SableCat]

I hope you decide to seek out therapy.

Thanks for the welcome, Eve.

I wish I didn't feel like I had a dozen good reasons for avoiding therapy, but like I said... I refuse to be in a situation where I'm a beggar and cannot be choosy. I've made too many mistakes in judgement, letting the wrong people into my life because I was taught I didn't have a choice, or that I had to listen to other people and prioritize their experience and "wisdom" over mine. And when I did, it made things worse. I was then alone to fix the mess I made by listening to their "advice". I have had bad experiences in therapy, three times. I've also had experiences where I did not connect with the therapist on a level I needed to, and I realized I needed to give that to myself before I could open up to anyone else. I haven't found the "right" person yet and am currently too tired and wary to try again. Plus, $$$. I put myself into debt the last few times because I don't have the kind of income that lets me make many mistakes.

It took me years to develop self-confidence because of that, and because I pushed myself unnecessarily and made things worse... I am certainly not going to throw caution out the window "because therapy helps"; being skeptical is necessary for me. I don't believe therapy can help everyone, all the time, in every situation; I think I've been unlucky so far and I need to meet the right person before I can feel confident about it.

To me it's very much like dating, you don't pick someone off the street and say "I am going to establish a deeply personal relationship with you" at random and just expect it to work. In my case, I've done that and you know what? It didn't work. (I've also done that with dating, because I didn't think I deserved any better, and it was pure hell.)

Is it paranoia, when it actually happened? I don't think so. We need "dating sites" where we can filter therapists per specialty and also per personality. In my case, I would uncheck "believes in woo and pseudoscience / refuses to provide evidence of why what they're doing should work".

I know this forum seems very open to the idea of therapy and most people talk about their sessions freely; that's great for you guys! Thing is, I don't have to be that way, just because this group is that way, unless someone shows why that position is somehow antagonistic to the way you guys work. If that's the case, I can go on my way, it's not a big deal.

I do want help. I want the right kind of help. Not "anything I can get."

 

[joeylittle]

unless someone shows why that position is somehow antagonistic to the way you guys work. If that's the case, I can go on my way, it's not a big deal.

No, not at all. I think that most (?) here would agree that the wrong therapist is worse than no therapist. I can say, the more you gain experience interviewing them, the clearer things get, and the easier it becomes to recognize one that is going to work for you.

But, people do also handle their recovery on their own.

And all points of view are welcome.