The Significance of Trauma Anniversaries

[Nicolette]

Hi, for some time it is has bewildered me as to why Trauma Anniversaries are recognised to the point of making someone with PTSD ill as a result.

I have avoided posting as I am always conscious of stepping over the line with sensitive issues as, being a Carer, my perspective is somewhat different to someone suffering PTSD. I have learned to tread carefully in the PTSD section as experience has taught me I risk having my head bitten off due to my PTSD ignorance.

Personally I have had my share of trauma and have suffered from PTS....thankfully I never got the "D" afterwards and I attribute that to my need to talk about things...I could never be guilty of bottling things up :wink:

There is one trauma I endured which shocked my world to its very core yet I never had the need to acknowledge its anniversary. I acknowledged something really bad happened to me and I tried to process it. I would struggle telling you what year it was let alone a date.

Why do some sufferers need to have a "trauma anniversary"? I would like to understand why you would continue to acknowledge, year after year, that something terrible happened to you on a certain date. To me it is giving away your power to the event by acknowledging it with such significance as making it an annual event. I think you should definitely acknowledge and deal with what happened to you but I don't get honoring it with an anniversary.

Please don't rip my head off due to my ignorance. I am trying to understand and hence why I ask.

 

[TLight]

Hi Nicolette;
No head biting here.....completely understand why you are perplexed.

Mind you.........nothing with PTSD has to do with being conscious. That is a major part of the battle for us. Triggers happen without our pre-frontal cortex being able to intercept them. I liken it to the knee reflex response. The stimulus in that doesn't even reach our brains, it goes to the spinal column only.

In PTSD, my understanding is that stimuli go directly to our limbic system and the response is immediate.......the reptilian part of our brain responds with a 'fight-or-flight' reaction. Due to our past experience, we are wired directly to have this stress reaction in order to save our very lives. Our rational part of our brains struggle to control this auto-response..........I think that is part of the challenge in our healing.

Extremely difficult as you can see. We are trying to override a survival mechanism that is a very ancient evolutionary response.

So, regarding anniversaries......and other triggers. Like so many carers and others think.........we don't sit around dwelling about our traumas or even giving them a 2nd thought. In fact, in my world........I've spent all my life developing mechanisms to do the very opposite. Now, in therapy I'm supposed to think about it, process it, etc. Crap, I've spent my whole life and developed all kinds of ways to avoid the crap.

So, we, as sufferers don't have a whole lot of choice when it comes to triggers. The challenge is to consciously try to intercept things and the incredable adrenaline response that happens and try to separate the present from the past.

Incredably difficult......speaking as a sufferer.

So, that's why it is so difficult to treat and cure.

This is my understanding and experience of it............others, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
T

 

[CaptainR]

I can only speak for myself.

I don't "celebrate" an anniversary. I do know that at the same time of the year, however, I begin experiencing increased stress, sleep disruptions, vivid nightmares (one of which horrified me last night until my wife finally understood my moanings as a cry for help and woke me up). It isn't that I celebrate or honor the anniversary, the fact is that it comes around once a year, whether I acknowledge it or ignore it.

I happen to know it happens subconsciously, because for a number of years the symptoms appeared and affected me, and it wasn't until after it happened year after year that I recognized the pattern. As far as not being able to recall the year or date of a trauma, I suppose that is an individual thing. I know the year, the date, and the time of day, and can tell it to you in an instant, and I assume I will be able to as long as my mind keeps functioning. The younger age things - no idea when it was. So it may depend on the trauma, and the person.

I have been exploring some ways to find positive experiences this year since April 26 is rapidly approaching, and things are getting worse and worse. I'm going to experiment and see if making something positive happen will help decrease this cycle.

Anyway, just wanted to chime in. For me, at least, this is far from a choice. Asking to stop acknowledging a time specific PTSD symptom (anniversary) is like telling someone to just suck it up and stop whining about PTSD. I truly wish to God it was that simple...

 

[Deleted member 541]

The month of March is extremely hard on me, the problem is... I don't know why. I didn't even know or realize that it was an anniversary, until my last suicide attempt 5 years ago. The Shrink at the local ward pointed out to me that my last attempt(10 yrs prior) was on the EXACT same date, as was one several years before that.

I only know that March is a very hard month for me... This year was better, as I have been exercising, and taking tons of Vitamin D3....

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nicolette,

I can only speak for myself, too, but I think what Anthony posted before about there only being "one date" of an Anniversary is correct; the next year is not the same year and therefore not the same "event".

Also, I find that self-pity can come into play.

That being said, however, there are certain "dates" (months) that do trigger me no end, in that my thinking sinks before I even know it, sometimes no matter what I do. Last year, I was going along great, and then read 28 pages of a stupid book that has taken me a full year to (almost) pull my self out of, despite everything I've tried. -Of course there were other factors but it sure didn't help -it started the ball rolling. I think almost any other month I could have rolled with it.

I think you hit the nail on the head; any trauma I have talked about never caused any of the same lasting repercussions. Oddly enough, deleterious things I initiated (suicide attempts, -whatever) I can't remember even the month for absolute certain.

I think that is part of what makes PTSD so bizarre, especially when you're not that advanced in the management part (without avoiding it through overwork, or whatever). I guess at it's core until the trauma gets really picked apart I swear to God it feels like it "haunts you"; it's like your brain is "demanding" you deal with it fresh.

Thanks for asking, Nicolette, btw. I think you sound like a wonderful "carer". A terrific combination of love and yet realistic, all at the same time.

 

[fin]

Dear Nicolette (et al.)

I would hope that no one would ever rip somebody else's head off Nicolette but it is always possible, even people without PTSD do that. And we all have bad days and deal with them differently depending on our life experience I guess.

I have PTSD and I still don't know all about it or necessarily how to react or respond to someone else who also has it. We are all different and we all react differently to things PTSD or not. I know I have learnt a lot though and while I dont presume to know everything, I never would-I hope, I would like to share that I am not afraid to learn. And maybe I am sure I have ripped someones head off without even meaning to-this is pTSD it sucks and it stinks. We may not always have a choice in somethings, although I do think we PTSDers have more choices than sometimes we think we do. We maybe have to try to learn and work hard to manage as best we can, and hope that those around us understand. And please don't call yourself ignorant YOU ARE NOT, and that is a bad habit and easy to fall into.

There is one trauma I endured which shocked my world to its very core yet I never had the need to acknowledge its anniversary. I acknowledged something really bad happened to me and I tried to process it. I would struggle telling you what year it was let alone a date.

.

But about your thread, I am so sorry for the trauma you have experienced and I hope that you have worked through it as well as you sound -glad for you no D. And that wasn't meant to sound trite or anything.

I am trying to say I understand what you have written, and I kind of agree, I do not *celebrate* trauma anniversaries at all. But some dates stick in your mind -maybe because of something else, and as I said before we all react differently to everything. And who is to say if it's right or wrong to work through things in this way? We all do what we can to manage life and ourselves with it -in all its glory.

And I would also have trouble telling you years or dates specific on quite a few things, although I do have other ways of working through -albeit slowly I am sure; if I really wanted to know when and what year things happened. But PTSD slows me down in these areas also.

I am too concerned at the moment, or rather I was too concerned perhaps at; trying to just work through and get *ghosts* out of me...and maybe try to exorcise some, or at least manage them as best I could. I had forgotten about kindness to self that I bang on about. But I would like to share that tonight I am having a night off from trauma :wink: and this is maybe the first night I have had off from it in a very very really really long time.

Although I can probably tell you how long ish I have been working on trauma and pTSD here, and how long I didn't get to work on it before I came here, but then that and this is different, and now I am trying real hard not to *dwell* or overdo it on anything anymore.

Not that I think I ever dwelt, but hey I am just reconnecting and trying to connect here, maybe on some level I did and could tell you every date, and every time of every thing, but I doubt it. And I don't have to to try to do that to be able to manage my life with it-unless things change. And things do change please try to remember that.

oops sorry I was trying to keep it short and sweet, old *habits* I guess.

I think this is one date I wont forget though: :smile: 10th April 2009. This is a Trauma Anniversary of a different kind... whether A* or D -hah!!

Thankyou Anthony and Nicolette



~fin

oh and I can say I used to be guilty of bottling things up and pushing it all down, but I don't think anyone could say I have done that recently, and I don't know how good or how proud of that I should be... *should's* huh!! and pride before a fall...yeah I need to slow it all down now I know some.

 

[pandora]

I used to think of that day or those bad days as anniversaries. I learned this..not sure if it was here or not...condiser it..your alive day..or the day you beat death! Puts more of a positive spin or outlook on it.

 

[Nicolette]

I risk having my head bitten off due to my PTSD ignorance.

Just for clarification....I mean that what I say is torn to shreds by those suffering from PTSD as my choice of words or viewpoint is different.

Also, I am not talking about when you are subconsciously ill and it happens annually and you realise retrospectively. I am asking when I read posts and sufferers are talking about their upcoming anniversary in the same manner as you would a birthday and counting down the days. Already thinking that it will be a horrible day. See like Wendy's comment makes sense to me but with Captain R he is already heading downhill. Why is that? I don't see Anthony having issues with dates or anniversaries other than he can be shitty on birthdays of people who he can't be with (his sons) which is understandable.

If it is subconscious how come some prepare for a bad day before the date occurs?

I am just trying to get my head around what it is.....is it subconscious and involuntary or do some sufferers make the day worse for themselves by pre-empting due to it being a trauma anniversary. Does it become a cyclic pattern like Captain R is now exploring?

Thanks


PS...thanks for your nice words Junebug.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nicollete, you're welcome (it's true :smile: ).

I think that is a very good point. Wendy has a great spin on it, if you can apply ii. If not, maybe it's a question of some survivors' guilt.

I know last year I made up my mind I wasn't going down without a fight. I made it to the 27th of a lousy month and got "blind-sided" but am trying to live and learn (the hard way, lol).

I just find it simply too difficult to concentrate on it. An average day can be challenging enough.

 

[CaptainR]

Nicolette,

I totally understand what you're saying, and I really loved that I ran across this thread at this time. Because even before I posted my attempted explanation I'd been working this whole issue through in my mind. Once I realized this pattern existed, it became somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophesy for me, and I'm trying to figure out how to beat it. When I discovered that my worst time of the year directly correlated to the time when I watched a friend shot just a few feet away from me, and the time when I watched the man who did it, the man I shot and killed, draw his last rasping breaths, it was like a curse. It was a curse to come to that realization. I often wish I hadn't put that piece of the puzzle together. Because now I can't be sure if my reactions to this time of year are truly subconscious still, or are still present because I identified the pattern. So now when I have the nightmares like I had last night, I wonder if I have them because I'm aware this has been a rough time of year for me in the past, or am I having them because the time of year triggers me??

My reply to your thought wasn't so much about that, it was to try and explain that in no way do I "celebrate" this anniversary, I am just trying to figure out why it affects me at all in a different way than any other time of year.

It was painful to admit, years after this happened, that I seemed to inexplicably fall into a funk at the same time of year, year after year. Work became more unbearable, everything seemed to trigger symptoms, etc... My situation may be different than some. I see my "Medal of Valor" hanging on the wall, with a date attached. I see other people involved, and they are a constant reminder. And everything around me just doesn't allow me to just cruise past the date without another thought. So I obsess about the fact that the nightmares are a byproduct of all the reminders I am surrounded with, and I wonder if I could get away from any reminder, maybe all the symptoms would go away.

My main point was that the last thing I want to do is "celebrate" this anniversary, or give it some special power or significance, yet here I am, seventeen years later, and I'm still having nightmares and problems coping, whether they are a byproduct of my dweilling on this as an anniversary, or if the approaching anniversary is truly the cause. Either way, my point is that part of my PTSD symptomology is my inablility to properly process all of this and just let it go...

No idea if this makes any sense. (insert endless string of profanity here)

 

[reallydown]

The only way I can answer this honestly is to say that I really don't know. I don't pay attention to anniversaries of all the traumas...If I did, it'd likely be something like at least 5/month. I still have a hard time with this. Initially, I thought it was the pity-pot and for all I know it could still be a part of it. However, I'm sure it's not the only component. In my case, it could have something to do with the fact that I had to leave everything I'd ever known...and pretty suddenly and therefore the start of the unravelling of everything and the beginning of the horrors that marked the events there.

On some level, it's probably survivor's guilt...both my own and that placed on me (can't think of a better phrase at the moment) by certain family members...I do have physical responses to the anniversaries that I do 'mark' and I think it started that way and then I realized that it had to do witht he date...Since then, however, I do realize it's coming. Perhaps I do make it worse for myself...but I am as yet unable to control that. I don't know if my response is helpful at all or even if it makes any sense.

 

[Mayhem]

Nicolette,

First I am not going to bite your head off.

Secondly, you will get many answers as to why some do and some do not celebrate, when they got traumatized.

"is it subconscious and involuntary or do some sufferers make the day worse for themselves by pre-empting due to it being a trauma anniversary. Does it become a cyclic pattern like Captain R is now exploring?"

yes, yes, yes and yes......I will explain from my point of view

1 & 2) it is subconscious, as studies have shown.

When I was in the Gulf War, I was shot at. My brain kicked in and produced endorfens and adrenaline. When I returned. I wasnt being shot at, so My brain was looking for that rush once more, so My subconscious, came up with things to do to try and get that rush once more. I had no idea why I was doing what I was doing. I only knew that I was doing, but had no reason.

3) by pre-empting, I had hoped to push away or get away from the things that bothered Me. Kind of the I'll put up a wall., no one gets in then I dont get hurt type of thing.

4) Does it become a cyclic pattern? it sure does, everything is cool and fine, then when that time rolls around....WHAM...I weathered the storm, then I slowly emerge and get back into life.

I got tired of not knowing why I did what I did, I got very tired of not understanding why I did what I did.
I tried pushing it away, worked for a bit, but like bad food it came back on Me. I tried ignoring it, that worked for a bit, but once more it came back. This too I grew tired of. Then I decided to go for it and I dove in, head first.....with the mission..... find out what is causing this. Once I found out what was is casuing this, Now I could form a plan to kill it before it killed Me.

When I speak of killing it, I speak of taking control over what has control of Me. It used to tell Me what to do, now I am to the point that I tell it what to do.

I do hope that you have a better understanding after reading this.



Mayhem