Worried Over Tomorrow's Session

[Bristol]

Really stressing out over my session with T tomorrow. I have been seeing her for like 9 sessions now and apart from some really basic details that i hinted at until she guessed i have managed to share nothing with her. I cant talk at all ehen im in there its a case of put the hood up on my hoodie and hope for it to finish soon, then spend the next week thinking of all the things i could have talked about.

Tomorrow's session will be different, she knows i have some vicid memory that i rember the details on, the rest i have are flashs that i cant pin down to a time etc. She wanted me to put some details of the vivid memory on a piece of paper to pit on the table folded up between us and see if i could talk around it while it was so closr to being 'told'. I have bern struggling with this. It had taken me 4 days to manage to write 'he r*ped me" on that bit of paper. That is all i could write while staying present, i dont know if its enough, im still not sure i should be telling her or anyone.

I am terrified about tomorrows session, im scared of the consequences of telling this secret and what might happen after, how she will react, how i will react. But at the same time i dont want to chicken out. Oh i dont know guess i just want to check that im not the onky one that goes through this when it comes to therapy

 

[Ronin]

What that guy did to you is a crime.

It's not a secret, he lied about that, and crimes don't make their victims shameful or dirty nor say you should live in silence.

Good job writing it down, and hey, it's cool to chicken out. Bet she saw it already and counts disclosing some things just won't go easy for people. That is her job to make it as possible to be done, and work with you on your healing, as she can manage, it's not yours to worry about her reactions for her, only how they effect you, IMHO. :)

 

[Naoru]

I strongly second everything @Ronin stated above.

Just writing it down was a huge step. Sharing is another - another that comes when you are ready. It is okay if you chicken out and follow through another day; there is no set timeline.

I went through something similar recently, and if it gives you any hope, I felt immensely proud of myself and as if a small weight had lifted with each step I took - even saying, "no, I'm not ready right now." My t was reassuring, patient, and kind. None of my worst fears played out.

You are not alone. :hug: If you accept.

 

[Bristol]

Thanks for replying, you have no idea how much i needed to read that, thank you

 

[Rumors]

@Bristol1485 I was in therapy for a year before I ever told my T about my csa. I was sure she would think of me as abominable, dirty, evil and all the other shameful things our minds tell us. Instead she thanked me for telling her and trusting her with that information. I had never told anyone...ever...and I was in my 40's. I was scared to death and I have carried so much shame for events in my life that were completely out of my control that I had/have no idea how to express them for fear that the recipient of that information will validate my inner most thoughts in that I am really just a bad person. When you begin to question those thoughts and come to realize that those things were done to you then the healing begins. It isn't easy... What happens is you realize that you were raped by someone who was bad and that you didn't deserve it bc you were bad. You then begin to question the fundamental truths you thought were reality like "maybe I deserved it.... I didn't try hard enough to stop him.... I did drink a lot that night." Those things mess with our reasoning and ability to just accept that the f*cker raped you and was solely at fault. It is easier to think we carry the burden of responsibility..... Please, please consider shedding your soul of this burden. If your therapist is safe, please sit down today and get this out. It will be the hardest thing you ever say to someone and you will panic when you do but just keep repeating to yourself "I didn't do anything wrong and I am only as sick as my secrets..." Don't let this make you sick anymore.... Sending you loads of strength. Your journey to healing begins today!!!!

 

[Bristol]

@Rumors thanks for replying. I think your exactly right in that its my persepctive of these things that need to change. As an adult i know they werent my fault, for the above memory i was 4 so not like i could have done anything but its having to tell that story, i cant tell it as a grown up if that makes sense. I feel like a child struggling to find the words and not understanding what Im explaining and then the fear that Something awful will happen when i do speak. I nerd to tell it as a 31 year old but i dont know how to change that

 

[Rumors]

Oh gosh... I absolutely understand. It was 4 for me as well and I had no words to describe what happened. Be kind to yourself. I read something that struck me very hard today. It said that survival can be based on the truths that we perceive about ourselves. We have been able to survive by having these perceptions of what we know is the truth or what we perceive as control. That is the only way we could survive something that was so out of our control. When you begin to question these truths you will find that perhaps we were never in control and that the way to peace and healing is through it rather than denying it. It will never be any better than it is today of you don't change or question something.
I can relate more than you know. I know that it is scary. It feels very out of control. The fallout of telling could be greater than holding on to it forever. That is the perception anyway. Please repeat to yourself that you are safe now. He can't hurt you. You are an adult. You get to decide who you tell and that you deserve peace and happiness.
((Hugs)) if that is ok.... My thoughts are with you today. Just know that I believe in you and that if you decide to take this step today and share this with your therapist you can finally shed the monster you have been carrying.

 

[Bristol]

@Rumors My T keeps saying something similar about the ideas of control over something uncontrollable and the thing you do to survive are sometimes part of the issue. One of my problems is that he died, like 15 years ago but i still feel he is controlling me in a way that maybe i wouldnt have if he was still alive, whenever i talk to her i can physically feel his hands round my neck, i have told her this but i dont think she really understood it. It just seems like such an unfair fight to still be fighting.

It does make me feel so much better to know that its not just me, though it would be a better world if it hadnt happened to any of us

 

[Lilith Jane]

I want to add that this is such a brave step you've already taken, to write it down and put it to paper, so WELL DONE on that. These steps are incredibly difficult and require a lot of bravery, but I do believe that they are steps toward healing . . . and you are taking them!!! Of course you need to move at your own pace, not before you are ready, so no pressure regardless of how your session goes, right?

I really admire what you've done already!!

 

[Ronin]

I nerd to tell it as a 31 year old but i dont know how to change that

You mentioned you have an easier time writing things down, so can you do it in a way four year old you would do it, and then put things in longer sentences as an adult you might?

 

[Bristol]

@Ronin that would be a good plan. Main problem i have now is that my husband knows none of this and he will be at home so i wouldnt get journalling time before my session tomorrow but i will try and use that for the next time. I should tell him just no idea how he will react

Thank you @Lilith Jane i really appreciate everyones kind words today

 

[joeylittle]

Main problem i have now is that my husband knows none of this and he will be at home so i wouldnt get journalling time before my session tomorrow

I don't know if this is an option, but sometimes, just to give my mind a transition - some time to sort itself out, before therapy - I'll schedule myself to leave an hour early and go to a nearby coffee shop. I'll make some notes on what we might be doing in the session coming up, or things I'm afraid to talk about.

I'll also do this after session, if I think it would be helpful for me to have some dedicated time to just process what happened - I use my trauma diary here to take notes on what we worked on, and see how I'm feeling about it.

You're not alone. It's hard to tell people. I understand not knowing how to tell your husband, also. I didn't tell my partner for quite awhile.