Grieving Your Lost Adolescence?

[spacegrenade]

Hi,

This month is my trauma anniversary. It's one of many I have in a year, but it is the hardest one I think I've had since I was out of state and alone this summer with no therapist, medication, or coping skills.

Can anyone relate to feeling like they missed out on having a regular life and regular dating experience? In particular, as a teenager.

I have severe body image issues, and was always pushing people away. I was around toxic people a lot, and was never able to form normal, health relationship with guys my own age. Even though I was great at sprinting and loved singing and acting, I never did any of this. I wasted my high school years. I gave up going to college the normal route to take care of my parents when they were both sick.

Now, I have lots of good things going on in my life, I still I have a hard time with relationships and body image. I'm engaged and have been happy with him after six years (we are getting married after I get my degree), we got closer online and long distance as that made it easier for me to open up and get into the idea of being with someone which I’m happy I did.

However, (like in the last few weeks) I feel like something is missing and I feel so guilty. While I have someone who treats me well, I am sad that I never got a chance to do things normally. Meet someone and have that connection, of feeling wanted and desired in a healthy way, going on dates, and just being accepted for who I am (sometimes I create fantasies in my head where this happened and I hate it). I missed so much I’m never getting back. I want to live in the moment but I don’t know how.

I just imagine being someone else--someone prettier, talented, and isn't ill or overweight, or just generally lethargic. I'm not who I want to be, I don't feel like enough.

Just knowing that someone can relate to this and maybe shed some light on this sort of thing can help. I feel out of my mind. I’m sorry if I sound like a child complaining about this, I just don’t know how to suck it up.

TL;DR: I feel like I missed out on normal relationships and am grieving that I missed out on being normal bc of my trauma. Can anyone relate or shed some light on this?

 

[Nessa7]

My therapist has been preparing me for this for months. The details are different, but I have been given several handouts about the stages of grief in an effort to have it sink in that I'm allowed to go through this. I'm still not at the point that I need to be to be able to let myself go and really feel this, but my therapist keeps saying that it is going to be a necessary part of processing my trauma. I keep circling around it and running away when it gets to be too much. I'm pretty sure that my T would be really proud of you for it.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Yes, I lost 3 yrs of my adolescence due to trauma. I feel like I missed so much. I go through periods of grieving it all but for the most part now I am over it. There is so much more to life.

I am so sorry you are suffering in this way. Finding connections with people is so important. It's wonderful you found a fiancé and are getting through with your education. You are clearly working hard to get your life on a healthy path.

 

[Kay-Os]

The grass isn't greener on the other side. I was basically robbed of life in general. Controlling partner followers abusive childhood and sexual assault in adolescence... I never experienced real love or anything.

I'm on the other side now... my ex was a narcissist, so... different scenario, however... now that I can do what I want... I no longer want it...

I guess being happy is impossible for me. I've accepted it... I am less stressed, but no happier. I had my too good to be true recently... fun. But... not long term.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,

This month is my trauma anniversary. It's one of many I have in a year, but it is the hardest...

I do not miss my first adolescence when I was a teen, got to do what most teens get to do. You know: get drunk, date, all that great stuff, only until I grew up.

But I think a lot of people have multiple times in their lives when they go through those stages. I think there are multiple stages that are similar to puberty, adolescence and so on.

I went through several of those stages, you know when you just want to let it all out? Hihi, but I did not get to go wild during those stages, don't know what would have happened if I did. But yeah, I am kind of mad that I was not able to just go and have fun during those times, because I was just so sick with PTSD and to this day I have to concentrate on surviving.
Also, living in an abusive marriage of course meant that I was not in the dating scene for over 25 years, but even after getting divorced I decided not to enter a scene that is similar to a meat market.

 

[spacegrenade]

Hi, everyone! Thank you so much for your responses. I have been having a very hard time these past few days, which is why I haven't been responding. I will take time to respond to you all personally~ It helps a lot to see your advice and how I'm not alone in this. I don't wish this on anyone, but I'm glad I can come here to talk to ya'll.

 

[Sideways]

The grieving stage isn't one I've reached just yet, but I expect it'll come around at some point. Because we have a lot to grieve. All of the things functional, healthy people were doing while we were being traumatised, then coping with the aftermath. Healthy relationships is just the tip of the iceberg.

And it's okay to grieve those things. It's healthy, it's part of recovery. Few stages of recovery are fun, and grieving isn't one of them, but it's still important.

The thing about grieving though, is like all the stages of the recovery process, you move through it. You've made it past denial etc, and now you're grieving. That's okay. Acknowledging it for what it is is a good thing.

One day, you atart coming out of this stage. The focus will shift from the lost possibilities of the past, to the potential possibilities that still lie before you.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. Mark this point in some way if that helps - it often does with grief. Write a list of things you missed out on, things your trauma has cost you. Watch kids at a playground and allow yourself to be sad that you missed that. Buy the red rose you never had a boyfriend buy, for yourself, and toss the petals into a river. Be in the moment of grief, acknowledge it, remind yourself that it's okay to feel like you do right now.

Then when you're ready, start looking to the future.