What Does A Normal Marriage Look Like?

[Sandstone]

I don't know what I'm aiming for.

My parents had no self control, shouted, sulked and looked for fights. OH swears his parents, who both died in his teens, never argued or even disagreed.

Is it normal to be instinctively in complete harmony? Is it normal to argue, then sulk, then ignore it? Is it normal to brush it all under the carpet? Is it normal always to realise what is really going on before it turns into a fight? Is it normal to argue, then talk it out? Is it normal to have the same fight over and over again?

 

[Gs172003]

Great question!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

I didn't have a normal marriage. I was full on PTSD during that time. I have witnessed the so called normal marriages though and this is my take on them.

Yes, people argue, but it's done in a manner that isn't destructive, it isn't derogatory, it isn't hurtful. Marriage is a partnership, it's working together to make things work. It's about discussing things together and coming to a decision that's beneficial to both. It's about compromise too.

It's also about having a life together, and also having a life separate from each other. In that I mean, they both can have outside interest separate from each other, which I believe is healthy.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't know if this pertains to marriages as much as to relationships in general but, I would like to recommend a book called "Struggle For Intimacy" by Janet G. Woititz.

This book has given me a look into what a healthy, functional relationship is, and how to achieve one.

Perhaps you will find it helpful as well.

It is a paperback that I paid like $7 for and it was well worth it to me.

Wishing you the best,

Lionheart777

 

[Sandstone]

Thinking about this overnight I realised that it is a bigger question. I don't know what a normal anything looks like. Whether people actually wash their hands after going to the loo at home, whether you are meant to dust your vacuum cleaner, whether neighbours are meant to despise each other, how much effort you are meant to put into getting the last of the toothpaste out the tube...

Having been so isolated as a child I had to find out everything by observation in my teens and thereafter.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I sincerely hope that EVERYONE washes their hands after going to the potty/loo/bathroom.....and no, I don't dust my vacuum.....

 

[Gadgie]

Quote.........."I didn't have a normal marriage"

Is there such a thing???

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know much about being normal.

Kind of why I hide away from the world.

Last thing I need is being judged even more. But most people are judgmental and have no tolerance for things that are not perfect.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is it normal to be instinctively in complete harmony?

No! Disagreements are normal. No one person on this planet can always get along 100% of the time with any other one person. The key is fighting fair.

How to Fight Fair | Dr. Phil

I understand that many don't like Dr Phil but if you google "how to fight fair" most sites agree with him and some give you more advice.

The point is, it is normal and natural to disagree. But there is a wrong way (shouting, name calling, belittling etc) to fight and a fair way (hearing out the other, respecting the other's opinions, respecting the other's feelings, etc) to fight. It is best to practice this during, not to fight unfair then talk later. Per marriage counsling sites. It's not like I have experience in this. I only research....everything.

It is natural that we feel the unfair/bad conflict is normal as this is how we lived during our trauma. However conflict isn't or doesn't have to be bad like during our trauma. Conflict is how things get done. I disagree with you, we discuss it, come to an agreement. It's how the entire world works all the way up to governments.

 

[Powder]

Maybe that's my problem, I don't believe in normal as anything other than an act people do to appear to conform in public. What I want to know is, am I truly a good person, not by the standards of others, but by my own? When I'm on my deathbed, be that tomorrow or in 40 years, what will my last personal evaluation be?

I regret and have survivor's guilt, so am I good, at my core? I've been through so much at the hands of evil, and what's left of me, is it good and will my life be good for my children, or am I too broken and weak? I don't want to think that through all my efforts, the answer is, not good enough.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I come back to ask, what normal looks like? Any normal one person or any normal marriage.

I mean, there are things that are better to do then others. But what is normal really?

 

[watundah]

After being with the same person for 21 years, I have given up on normal. Something works, obviously. I think I found someone incredibly compassionate and nurturing who can see thru my muck to the good points and is enamored by my lust for life.

On the other hand, we have snits about stupid stuff. We are both trauma survivors and trigger each other. We used to yell and fight and no longer do, yay.

I think we are both very different than we were when we met. Sometimes I wonder if we have enough in common but it is wonderful to have someone in my court all of the time. I think it.comes down to whether youre happy, have your needs met and can strike a balance with your differences.

I was isolated,.too, and had horrible shyness and bad social skills for a very long time. Add.to that really crappy parents as role models. It's a wonder I didn't chase everyone away in my 20s.