Although its been about 7 years since my last SI I vividly remember chasing the relief that it would bring me. A permanent stoppage to it all. Looking back i realize that it was a mood stabilizer. When I was feeling up it was "don't get ahead of yourself because you're just going to hurt everyone you love when you off yourself." When I was feeling down "don't worry you won't be around much longer anyway." Both scenarios would engage planning.