What does suicidal ideation look like for you?


Although its been about 7 years since my last SI I vividly remember chasing the relief that it would bring me. A permanent stoppage to it all. Looking back i realize that it was a mood stabilizer. When I was feeling up it was "don't get ahead of yourself because you're just going to hurt everyone you love when you off yourself." When I was feeling down "don't worry you won't be around much longer anyway." Both scenarios would engage planning.


I just get to the "what's the point", "things will never get better", "there's something unfixable in me", etc. All that self talk meets impulsiveness is really bad for me. On the other hand, things have got better, I see the point, and Im a bit broken but not so much. I haven't had SI for several yrs but ironically my health has gotten much worse and Im older. Then I begin to think that maybe I am a hypochondriac (not really) but consider it because of health issues that are legitimate. I do think my depression weakened my system. My sister had pancreatic cancer when she was my age and I think I have symptoms now, but I want to live. It just really sucks!


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I usually get SI after a bad flashback, or when thinking about the physical limitations I now have from my injuries or when i have a lot of pain and no sleep from my injuries. I just start thinking... I don't want to live this way It isn't worth it. It was so strong I gave my hand gun to someone to keep for the time being because I had taken it out and put it to my head. I seem to go between anger, depression or numbness. My therapist just had me start an SSRI so I hope it will help.


SI for me looks like organising things so dh knows where everything is. I have urges to leave things ‘sorted ‘ and ‘clean’ free from embarrassment or discomfort for him.

I have what T considers an unhealthy attitude to death in that I don’t consider it SI for me to not fear the idea of death - I live with a lot of physical discomfort and the last few years haven’t been ‘fun’ so I think not living will offer relief . ( I’m not a person who beliefs in heaven or hanging around in any way afterwards so ‘relief’ is sort of the wrong word - end of suffering.) however I no longer try and hasten that.

when I experienced SI I would actively choose to not wear a seatbelt . Although I was fearful of leaving home - it wasn’t death I was scared of - it was things that didn’t end in death.

I also notice I can become overly aware of the mortality of others and risk. Not avoidant exactly- but aware.

I tend to become purposely rather than forgetfully negligent about taking my medication.

its been a couple of years since I have experienced what I consider’ SI’. T returns to mortality discussions because maybe she is concerned. I’m not currently experiencing SI . I just - don’t think the nothing ness of death sounds too bad - more the how we get there.
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For me, it's the moments I acknowledge my own pain, that my home is not safe, my work is dreaded, and my life is filled with stress which I am trapped in and cannot change; that I cease to matter or warrant care, time or attention from anyone, or matter to anyone (in some cases am actually hated); that my life does not contain a scintilla of even the smallest desire or dream I ever had, or how I would choose to live, or what I would do; my body, which is under extreme demand, is crumbling with a genetic condition that there is nothing to treat with, and I have severe pain every day, on top of the issues it causes; and then there's my mind. Which I will not even go to the nightmares, shame and re-hashing and relieving. It is a prison. In the moments I acknowledge that, I wonder why or for what I'm continuing, especially when told by others my existence is a problem for them. That is when the temptation is greatest.


Thanks everyone for replies. I appreciate them all 😊

Thing is, living without these thoughts? Which you may not have experienced yet, is bloody brilliant! I've experienced that a few times. And life without these thoughts as a constant? Heeeeeeaps better than life with them.
I do experience times where I don't consciously think about it, but it's not *gone*, it's more I'm just not constantly aware of it.

And tbf I'm still not constantly aware, but I'm worried sometimes when it hits acutely because I spent months with acute SI constantly n not sure I could (would) again.
Looking back i realize that it was a mood stabilizer
Yeah. It's like an option. N a solid option is calming. But I don't actually wanna SI so it still concerns me cos even when it only lasts a day or so I'm not sure I trust myself, even though I kinda do, cos I know I can.
I have urges to leave things ‘sorted ‘ and ‘clean’ free from embarrassment or discomfort for him.
Heh. My lack of my life being adequately sorted is pretty often the main reason I haven't acted. Like I gotta low-key be too worried about the shitshow I'd leave behind so I can't clean up too hard heh.

Which is also a weird problem.
I just - don’t think the nothing ness of death sounds too bad - more the how we get there.
Death as a thing doesn't scare me, I kinda wish it did. I'm scared of specific conditions or circumstances. But not of actual being dead. But yeah. Thats um.. come with its own issues re potential plan. Cos it's like "act or don't act but if you act. Make sure it's right"

And obv no intentions of acting. But sometimes I wanna curse my medical knowledge
Was thinking of this, it no longer matters here if one dies, if there's a funeral, or a burial, or a headstone. So death is not anything, and grieving, Idk the words to describe all that is unhelpful to that or interferes with that. So, same, life/ death doesn't matter so much.

I don't think people who don't get it, will ever get it. Hope they don't have to, for their sake.

(ETA< I suppose I should have said in my FOO, little that's left, not 'here', sorry. )